iammelne Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I've been with my fiancé for over 4 years now. He proposed to me a year and half ago and I'm not quite sure if there is enough substance to actually make any wedding plans in the near future. I realize that there is no perfect relationship and one must be strong when times are rough, but I've got too many unanswered questions. I'm just not sure what to do... He is a bit of a mystery to me. Elusive, withdrawn, empty, cold, and aloof are all words that come to my mind when I describe his character. We both are not big talkers, so communication is not our strong suit. However, I would like to have some meaningful conversations with the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. There are never any deep words that are naturally shared by him. I've honestly tried to initiate, but I'm always disappointed because the subject goes flat and he's just not interested. I would like to get to know him better and be allowed to see how he views the world, but it seems as if that's simply not important to him. Isn't this why you enter into a relationship, though? To share and have some connection with that one special person? Alexithymia, Asperger's Syndrome, Narcissism... I've been trying to figure out what it is about him. I'm no psychologist, so I realize that perhaps I shouldn't try to put a label on him. I just know that something doesn't feel right and I would like to figure it out. I've felt more lonely in these last couple of years than I did before when I was single. I think I've been emotionally deprived and now at the point where I would like to receive some form of validation. When I have my moments of sadness or doubts he never offers any hugs or kind words. He just stares at me and remains silent. It's the silence that amplifies my loneliness. I wish I could get that "spark" back and I think about how things were when we first met. I know it's how relationships typically go when you live together and life becomes routine. I've asked him if he's still in love with me and he always answers yes, but I'm not quite sure I feel that this is true. There's not a lot of romance, spontaneity, or shared quality time to prove that my doubts aren't warranted. Right now I feel as if I'm just a roommate. And my heart has been broken for a very long time... Any advice would be appreciated. I'm hoping that this relationship is salvageable and that there's a chance that things can change for the better. Link to comment
limichelle Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I wish I could tell you things will be better but if it's been like this for a long time then chances are it's going to stay this way. You can't change his personality and have him think more deep if that's not who he is. It's up to you to break free and realize getting married won't change any of this. The only thing marriage will change is you are even more stuck. Lisa Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Sorry to hear this. Do you plan any romance or quality time? How is the sex/affection? Sitting around discussing the world is not really "communication", is it? Does he have the same life goals, values and interests as you? Do you plan fun outings and date nights? Or have you both gotten bored, complacent and routine? I've been with my fiancé for over 4 years now. He proposed to me a year and half ago. I know it's how relationships typically go when you live together and life becomes routine. There's not a lot of romance, spontaneity, or shared quality time to prove that my doubts aren't warranted. Right now I feel as if I'm just a roommate. And my heart has been broken for a very long time. Link to comment
iammelne Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Thanks for giving me the advice. I honestly am not out to change him. I think you're right about what you said, though. I don't want to wait forever for something that will probably never happen. Link to comment
iammelne Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I understand what you're saying in regards to communicating, but I guess what I want is a better understanding and an "allowance" to see what's inside him. I hear how men and women are wired differently... I get it. Perhaps I'm just being emotionally high maintenance. I've talked to him many times about wishing for more romance and spending more quality time together, but I haven't seen any initiative on his part. He just wants to watch tv, which doesn't count as quality time to me. We are intimate maybe a few times a month. Last night I decided to put a sexy outfit on just to see if I could surprise him when he got home from work. He had a huge smile on his face, which made me so happy. However, we were not intimate at all. I really wanted him to throw off all of his clothes and have his way with me, but that didn't exactly happen. Link to comment
limichelle Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I'm sorry to hear that he didn't put in the effort after you tried. You deserve something better that is suited to your needs. This guy doesn't sound like he fits that bill. You are not high maintenance emotionally if anything he is neglectful and doesn't sound like he really cares or wants too. Lisa Link to comment
iammelne Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 After the incident last night and yet another blow to my self esteem, I'm beginning to wonder if he is possibly being unfaithful. That would explain his emotional distance too. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I would like to have some meaningful conversations with the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. This is not only a reasonable wish, anything less would be a dealbreaker for me, and I'd venture to believe that same would be true of most people. You've invested 4 years trying to get your emotional desires met, and this is where you've landed. I'd ask myself, if this is the most that this man will ever offer--no less, but no more--would I stay or go? If the answer is stay, then here you are. If the answer is go, then my next question would be, when? Head high. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 If you've tried to communicate what your love needs are and he hasn't tried to meet them, you're setting yourself up for loneliness. You say you're sadder now than you were single - imagine this feeling for 10,15,30,50 years... Link to comment
KantSleep Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 You should be excited about your future wedding. Instead, you are clearly doubting this relationship. You need to be honest with your fiance and tell him how you feel. If you can't do it with him sitting across from you, then express your concerns in a letter. You don't want to enter this marriage with all these doubts. You can either work on it together, or part. I wish you well. Link to comment
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