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The Ex, The Fiance & the Newbie


485HPLady

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Good Morning Everyone- First off, Im new here, so thanks for taking your time to help me, by reading. I really do appreciate it. Its something I can't discuss with anyone else in my life. I hope that you will not judge me, that is not what Im asking for, I just need un-biased, educated insight from other human beings. lol. I don't know what to do in my love life right now. Im 38. My ex-husband contacted me via email a few months ago. I told him I was happy and content with my impending marriage. He said he understood, and he wanted me to be happy. Then he emailed again a few weeks later, telling me that he had worked on himself the 3+ years we had been apart & had done nothing but think about me the entire time. He didn't date, or even have 1 hook up. We did have an amazing love- like none that either of us had ever experienced before. He just needed to grow up way much more then I could handle. To be honest, there hasn't been a day that has passed that I don't think about him, but I don't know what that means. I love my fiance. I admire his strength. like me. That is what drew me to him. He was handling his business on his own, and doing a good job. He didn't need me, he wanted me.... that is huge for me. However, he has a super nasty side. I realize nothing is perfect (God knows Im not), but I find myself wondering if I can deal with the negativity for the rest of my life... Is this just normal jitters, or is it a true red flag? He has been down right mean to just about (if not) everyone in my family. But at the same time, very generous. Its so confusing. Oh, and the kicker, he is a big time alcoholic. Talking to him about it? Forget it.... Ive tried. Everything ends up being my fault. I could be trying to do something for him, and he will snap at me- then I will tell him I don't appreciate it, and somehow it was my fault- even though I was doing something for him, that I didn't need to take the time to do in the first place. So, you'd think that was the end of my mess.... no. I had to go and add another layer. This is why I'm starting to wonder if Im secretly trying to ruin my own relationships. I love cars. I recently met a younger guy that owns a car related business and we started chatting about my car... he started flirting... more and more. Now he is telling me how horrible my situation is, and that I need to leave. Im just so confused. I don't know what to do. It much deeper then feelings. I worry about everybody. My fiance has nobody. He tells me everyday, I saved him, he couldn't live without me.... etc... on top of that- he's in my pockets... deep. We have a house together, but only my name is on it. He has a work vehicle, but only my name is on the loan... as well as his luxury vehicle... you guessed it! only my name. Some people might think thats great, not me. He makes the payments on the vehicles (now) but what would happen if we didn't work? Im not the type that would take it from him. He paid, its his. But I also wouldn't want my name attached to it. OMG... Thats what I get for being so nice. PS.. my ex wants to pay my fiance off. (as in give him money, to pay the loans, so it would solve those problems). Don't worry, we haven't cheated (physically). But I still don't know what I should do. Maybe I should just run away- from everybody!

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Sorry to hear this. it sounds like you're unhappy with your fiance but think you need to rescue him.

 

If you are talking to random guys and exes about how miserable you are why get married?

Im 38. My ex-husband contacted me via email a few months ago. I told him I was happy and content with my impending marriage. I love my fiance. However, he has a super nasty side. he is a big time alcoholic. I recently met a younger guy...we haven't cheated (physically).
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Why would you buy a house and TWO cars (that you can't really afford) for a man you are not married to, who is an alcoholic and aren't even sure you want to be with? You're not too nice, you're incredibly irresponsible with money and are making a lot of stupid decisions right now.

 

Yes walk away from all of them. Spend some time alone and get a backbone and self esteem. You're in a massive amount of debt for a man that doesn't even take care of you emotionally and hates your family. Not smart. You need to focus on you and get your life back on track. Think about the future and start making smart decisions.

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I was happy and content with the impending marriage. After months of deep thought- Im realizing Im not going to move forward. I just don't know if I keep doing this to myself because I have commitment issues, or truly just can't find the right person, even when I think I do.

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I don't believe I said I was in debt, or that I couldn't afford them. I actually have 2 houses and 3 cars in my name if you want to be technical. But one is a rental I have owned since I was 18. OH, and before you start thinking it was a inheritance or something- it wasn't. Ive been on my own since I was 15. It's strictly hard work and determination. One of my cars is a play toy. Hence the icon, and screen name. I actually have a credit score that is off the charts- so yeah, i handle my finances just fine. I guess that hit a nerve with you, and for that, I am sorry. I truly did help him, out of the goodness of my heart. There are still some people out there like that. I only put my name on the loans because he had no credit. He is perfectly capable of paying the loans, and does. That is not the problem. I can, and would pay the mortgage alone, if something were to happen.

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you are correct, wiseman. I do not want an alcoholic. But I find something with everyone, that I run from. always. And I find the good in them in the beginning to put myself in that situation. So... I see their worth- compare it to mine. Then later, find something i decide i have worked too hard to get where I am to deal with ... (this or that) and run away.

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Many enablers believe they are helping. But it's really about control and fixing people as projects.

 

It has to do with an identity as a martyr/victim who endures suffering, losses etc. under the guise of altruism. But it's really about assuring you're in a relationship by playing that role to keep someone around.

 

Please read up to see if enabling people is an issue for you and why: I truly did help him, out of the goodness of my heart.

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If he has no credit, then a vehicle purchase is one of the simplest and best ways for anyone to establish or fix their credit. By taking it in your name, you actually prevented him from establishing credit.

 

Anyway, as for the vehicles, it's really quite simple - he needs to refinance in his name or you can go to dealer and talk to them about trade in, refinancing, etc and see what can be done about him standing on his own two feet while you get your name and credit out of this deal.

 

House is neither here nor there, unless he is on the deed, then he is just paying you rent, as he should be. How you use that rent is up to you.

 

Bottom line is that an angry alcoholic is a little more serious than "well gosh nobody is perfect". He won't put down the toilet seat is something you can write off as nobody is perfect. Angry alcoholic is simply not someone you get involved with. Him telling you that he can't live without you is frankly emotional manipulation, which addicts will do. Get your head screwed on straight and get out and yes, get away from and get rid of them all. Be single for some time and maybe spend some time talking to a therapist and working on yourself and working out why you are making such poor decisions when it comes to relationships. Once you clear your mind, you will start seeing what's right and wrong for you better. I'm certain you will see that rescuing someone who is too immature, or an alcoholic, or......insert whatever is not a good approach to relationships. In short, your picker is broken, fix it.

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The relationship with your fiance doesn't sound like a good one and if you already feel compelled to chat to other guys, getting married would be a huge mistake.

 

Right now, you need to be by yourself completely without the influences of an ex-husband who is involving himself in your personal life, a fiance who obviously isn't making you happy and a stranger who has no business in getting involved in your business (even if he isn't wrong with what he says).

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