How to move on when I feel like it was my fault?

[IsaacT]

So I've already posted quite a lot about this breakup, but the feedback I've been getting here has been really constructive.

 

My girlfriend and I (20 and 22) went through a painful temporary break that started three months ago due to becoming long distance. I soured things with a stupid mistake, looking at some of her texts that worried me and made me think the break was motivated by seeing someone else. I immaturely confronted her about them and tried to turn things around when the situation was clearly my fault. We were at a confrontational standstill for over a month until one day, she sent me a really long, wonderful letter, apologizing and saying she had made the bigger mistake by pushing me away, and that she still wanted to spend her life with me.

 

After that point, things were going well until a few weeks later when she eventually told me she had kissed/been slightly intimate with someone else during the break and had repeatedly lied about it. Now, normally that would be none of my business, as we weren't together, but she had initially told me she didn't want to see other people and that the break was just about taking time temporary time apart to improve our chances together in the long run.

 

I was really hurt by this and suddenly felt like I couldn't trust her and that my trust issues with the texts were valid. I asked for a few days of space and she relentlessly apologized, begged, groveled, etc. until I finally told her I forgave her. I think I forgave her in the moment because I didn't want her to hurt anymore, but it was still clear that I couldn't let it go because I continued to interrogate her about what happened. I just didn't believe I had the full story, given how many times she lied.

 

It really frustrated her that I wasn't able to let it go, but I stopped bringing it up for a few weeks until we saw each other again. I eventually found out that she was indeed still lying about the details of what happened, and that she flirted with this guy a bit the week before she asked for the break. I couldn't tell her I knew because I found out in confidentiality.

 

With the knowledge that she was still lying, I continued to grill her about what happened, desperately wanting her to tell me the truth, but I couldn't tell her I knew she was lying. She became extremely frustrated, said that I couldn't handle conflict or learn to trust, and said that it was my fault we were breaking up. She said that she would always love me and that she could still see herself spending her life with me one day, but that it was my responsibility to change and that we were broken up indefinitely.

 

I didn't resist but apologized for my part in everything and asked how long she wanted to go without talking, and we agreed on at least a month. I feel really frustrated because she's the one who broke the trust between us, but then again, I couldn't handle it and turned to interrogating her and ''tearing her down''. At least, that's how she says she feels.

[ButterflyWrists]

You've posted the same story multiple times. It's over. Move on.

[Wiseman2]

When was the last time you were in contact? The longer you remain no contact the further this will be in the past so you can get her out of your mind and heal and move forward. Try not to obsess or ruminate over a dead horse.

[Clio]

You need to work on your personal standards, learn to trust your gut and respect your own boundaries. She lied. It was SHE who couldn't handle conflict and therefore lied. It was HER fault that she broke your trust. Trusting a liar is never a good idea. Lying should be a deal-breaker for you. You need to stop buying into her bs. You need to stop ruminating and let go of the hope of a better past. You need to accept that the break up HAS happened AND things COULDN'T have happened any other way. She was not the right person for you, hence the end result. It was NOT your fault.

 

1 . Stay strict NO CONTACT (no social media, no discussing her with common friends).

2. Keep busy with your own life/studies/hobbies/make NEW friends/NEW experiences.

3. Take it one day at a time.

 

and in time things WILL get better.

[IsaacT]

Thanks, Cilo. That really helps a lot. I just wish she could see it that way too, but maybe she never will. I guess I have to accept that the frustration of her believing it was my fault will always be there. Part of me keeps wanting to call her and remind that she was the one who messed up, but I'm slowly realizing how pointless that would be.