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She really wants a divorce and blames me but she's a hypocrite


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so my wife and I have been married nearly 14 years come May. One week after her 38th Birthday and after months of talking to her female friend and now former co-worker on the phone who has had several affairs on her husband she comes to me and says she wants to separate. This caught me off guard because nearly a year went by where our lives were starting to settle and she drops this on me. I knew she was unhappy that life didn't go the way she wanted as did I. I couldn't have what I wanted (dreams of being a professional ball player) and I was bitter but I made a sacrifice to give her what she wanted. I always told her if you want to go to counseling we can let me know and when I can make time. Prior to this as she had been only working again for nearly one year after a 4 year hiatus I was the only income. I worked sometimes 60 hours a week and sacrificed days off to work overtime and donate plasma on a day off and a work day after working 10 hour days. I was stressed and tired and it wore me down mentally. I was snappy and angry because I felt that had God answered my prayer long ago I wouldn't be in this mess. I went to school for a trade and realized it wasn't me. she got her bachelors but was pregnant at the time of her graduation. From the beginning things were a challenge because her communication had been confusing and shoddy. This led to some frustrations. I made mistakes of course I was verbally honest and brutal about it which comes from my background and home setting. She grew up in a home of distrust and fear and control and wanted no part of it. I admit my home was similar in fear and control. She told me about a flame she had in High School that she had kept touch with. More like a crush as they had no romantic relationship but were oddly close. Since the time of these bad years she had been thinking about him. she also tried to make me happy in place of my crushed dreams but I feel like that's not where she needed to make me happy. hadn't realized till too late that she had gave up arguing with me about it. I tried for the last 5 years to let go of my past hurts but still had issues with trusting God with my future. We're a Christian house hold. She told me November before last she was 80% sure she wanted a divorce. She says she tried everything and I argued she didn't because we never tried counseling which she says she'll do so she can't say she didn't try but I feel like that means it literally to do it to say she did it but not really give it a try. I realized in conversations going back that she never truly respected me. I'm from the projects and most of her life was in the suburbs. I confronted her recently and put it out there she didn't have real respect for me and that she thought she was better than me. I lost patience with her in the beginning of our marriage because not only did she not communicate well anytime something came up if I did something as a action plan she would shoot it down but when I asked what should I do she always said "I don't know" how helpful she is. She would say I belittled her but I would remind her that when all I get is I don't know I assume at this point you know nothing. I put it on her if the shoe was on the other foot. things improved. SOME. Over time she picked at my faults but was combative when it came to pointing out her own yet blames me. To make things worse and unfortunately her mother passed recently and the things leading up to that I feel I'm paying for. in fact she hates to be held accountable for her actions and admit she's wrong. she has contributed to the issues as much as I have. we both need personal counseling. I love her dearly but I'm realizing there were times she has been unfair and I'm wondering that although I'm praying for mended emotional wounds should I let her walk. I can be a jerk under stress and pressure and most people are but I realize she lacks the true empathy. I never hit her and never cheated. She has been good to me to her best ability but at the same time I'm realizing I missed some things concerning her and that if we both realize where we messed up we can fix it. now she feels like the relationship has run it's course and to make things worse we have a child whom I'm concerned about because this affect them and I know because it affected me when my parents separated which led to eventual divorce. I also realize that in the past 4 years she has had a emotional affair and to be fair I have had it too because of the constant critiques and I try to give her the world and clearly its not enough. she will be 40 this year and seems more concerned about getting things than having a healthy relationship. She wants to know if we can still be friends if she chooses to move forward with a divorce which I told her the other day I'm not interested in doing. I can be civil but friends I prefer to move on with my life if that's the case. what should I do?

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"I believe my marriage can be saved."

- If compatible from the start, not an abuser, and are willing to change. Yes.

 

"...she says she has no motivation to save it."

- Normal and true.

 

"...am I wasting my time ????"

- Why, you have someplace to go?

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From the beginning things were a challenge because her communication had been confusing and shoddy. This led to some frustrations. I made mistakes of course I was verbally honest and brutal about it which comes from my background and home setting. She grew up in a home of distrust and fear and control and wanted no part of it. I admit my home was similar in fear and control. She told me about a flame she had in High School that she had kept touch with. More like a cru

 

I was married to a man who was "brutally honest". Sometimes "brutal honesty" sounds very aggressive and it wears you down. he would always say "one of the best traits that I have is that I am brutally honest". Take a real inventory of yourself. honestly this time. are you a little too brutal with people. i dont believe in divorce - (he left me), but when you become a shred and shell of a person from all of the abuse, and another human being is treating you like less than human, there is eventually no other choice. You seem to say your brutal honesty is part of your upbringing, but anything apart of her upbringing comes at a negative to you.

 

Also, when I heard you gave up your dream of being a pro ball player, i thought, what a big whiner. That is like someone who never had a recording contract saying that they gave up their path of being an international rock star. not even .00009% of people get to be a professional baseball player. So the trouble is that you weren't thinking of building a realistic life for yourself - and then if you got picked up for the big leagues - that would have been a great surprise/dream come true, but if not, you built a great family, and something else you found passion for to do for work.

 

This whole you "don't know what God's path is for you" = well did you ever hear "God help's those who help themselves?" You can't sit around and wait. You have to do some doing. When you have a family you can't say "i don't feel like it". You learn the trade you set out to learn and even if its not your life's passion, you do it to make good money for your family while you find what that passion is. The world is full of disappointed grown up little boys that didn't get to be football players, astronauts and rock stars and you can choose to pout or you can choose to support your family.

 

There was a recent podcast by Mike Rowe talking about how "finding your passion" is horsepucky. you have to "bring your passion" to what you do. And when you do, you are successful. There are people who find an untapped niche in the world that they never thought of.

 

I think you should take your wife up on counseling, and you should also not egg your wife about her upbringing or what has happened up to this point. Do not go in with a tick sheet and laundry list of everything you think she could have done differently. You need to only look at going forward. maybe it would be nice to tell your wife that you do appreciate her and what she did by being supportive even when you fobbed around with baseball and quitting a trade.

 

Also, keep in mind that your wife may say "i don't know" because you are coming at her with your action plan that you are shoving at her rather than sitting down as a couple and figuring out what to do next. She is not your employee that you give a list to. Sometimes a little care goes a long way.

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well I have to admit taking a step back the brutal honesty I can see how that can wear a person down. Your right many people live their lives with unfullfilled dreams. I personally didn't want to be the person who settled on something and then developed a bad coping mechanism to numb the disappointment. The counseling is my idea she wanted to skip that. I have started my own personal counseling to work on myself. I never had a "I don't feel like it attitude in fact I work hard at no matter what I do.

 

I have sat down and self examined what I like and dislike and have looked into going back to school but with already having a family and not enough income I would have to move and Finances have been a big obstacle. Not to make excuses but I have tried to work with a plan together with my wife on how to make this work and had a plan in place and the money after sacrificing my 401K to move out of state but unfortunately her mother got sick and recently passed so that plan went on hold and then months after finding out her mother was sick and receiving treatment she decided she wanted to seperate. AFTER I made a sacrifice for us. (we no longer have that money due to financial needs and instability in her income) When it came to plans I would make her "I don't know response" was always and I mean always after shooting mine down. I'm ok with objection but offer a counter solution don't leave me hanging. I'm pretty sure you can understand that. I have a Job I like now but it took awhile. I fully agree with the moving forward part I meditate on the past and notice a lot pf hypocrisy that I don't really mean to fall into I'm a victim too role.

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Sorry to hear this, sounds like a marriage unraveling for years. Since she agrees to counselling, do that.

She says she tried everything and I argued she didn't because we never tried counseling which she says she'll do. we both need personal counseling. I also realize that in the past 4 years she has had a emotional affair and to be fair I have had it too.
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