Most confused I've every been in my life

[Bbycole]

Hi all, I'm going through a break up right now that has lasted for 4 months. We were together for 5 years, living together for most of those years. I had basically become part of her family and I have been staying with her sister during this time (which I plan on moving out close to summer if there is no reconciliation by then). I could just use some advice from people who have been through this sort of thing.

 

Right after we broke up she kind of started seeing someone else. They were never committed or anything like that. She told me that she is just trying everything she can to make sure that our relationship is what she wants. After seeing this person for just a couple of months my ex told me that it has showed her what she and I had was special. There is a part of her that is scared about getting back with me although she says she sees me in her future. This new person she is seeing got way too attached very quickly. They get upset when my ex talks to me and knows my ex is still in love with me and has even had to keep reminding them that she still has strong feelings for me and she is really just trying to figure everything out with us. This other person even asked her to be their girlfriend a few days ago and she turned them down. I guess she needed to make herself more clear that there not a chance they are getting together any time soon. So now they've taken their relationship down a notch and they are just going to hang out as friends.

 

I've been seeing my ex a lot more here recently and she gives very confusing hard to read signals. She keeps saying she doesn't know what she wants (which I very much believe that is true). She has said multiple times she sees me in her future. But then sometimes she'll say "if" we get back together. On New Year's Eve we hung out and she cried at a story of something I did for her a couple years ago. Later in the night she told me that she hopes that someday I would be able to take her back in the future. Last week she came into my work and told me she's been missing me. She admitted to crying when she drove past my old place where we first met. She stayed the night with me two nights ago and the next morning she said "why didn't you cuddle with me" and I told her I don't want to push my boundaries. Yesterday when we were hanging out I made a joke about how I'm "friend-zoned" now and right after she leaned in and started kissing me and we did that for a few seconds. Eventually we got onto the topic of us and it had it's low points in which I said some stupid things about our relationship from the past. She was in an upset mood when she was leaving so I started apologizing and I told her that I don't want to damage us beyond repair. She kissed me and then said "I don't think that's possible." She told me that February is when she wants to do all her intense thinking about the situation. She doesn't understand why I still want to be with her as I'm sure a lot of people are wondering. What she's doing is ty and she feels terrible about everything. I just kind of rationalize it as I definitely wasn't perfect. I messed up a lot more than her and her leaving is all kind of built up from the things that I've done. When we talk about "if" (there's that if again) we get back together that we want the relationship to be brand new and not bring anything from the past relationship. She says there are times when she can clearly see that she wants to be with me, but she gets cloudy sometimes because of being attracted to someone else. She wants to give me her all. And she never wants this to happen again if we do get back together.

 

I am just super confused because if we can talk like adults like that, about knowing how we want our future relationship to be and that we still love each other, then why are we not working on a relationship together? There's something holding her back and if there's something I can do to help her confusion, then I'm all for it.

[fabact]

I would go no contact for a while. Sounds like she's super confused and you're trying to see if she'll pick you. NC is a great way to test all this.

[JustinPonders]

Hi all, I'm going through a break up right now that has lasted for 4 months. We were together for 5 years, living together for most of those years. I had basically become part of her family and I have been staying with her sister during this time (which I plan on moving out close to summer if there is no reconciliation by then). I could just use some advice from people who have been through this sort of thing.

 

Right after we broke up she kind of started seeing someone else. They were never committed or anything like that. She told me that she is just trying everything she can to make sure that our relationship is what she wants. After seeing this person for just a couple of months my ex told me that it has showed her what she and I had was special. There is a part of her that is scared about getting back with me although she says she sees me in her future. This new person she is seeing got way too attached very quickly. They get upset when my ex talks to me and knows my ex is still in love with me and has even had to keep reminding them that she still has strong feelings for me and she is really just trying to figure everything out with us. This other person even asked her to be their girlfriend a few days ago and she turned them down. I guess she needed to make herself more clear that there not a chance they are getting together any time soon. So now they've taken their relationship down a notch and they are just going to hang out as friends.

 

I've been seeing my ex a lot more here recently and she gives very confusing hard to read signals. She keeps saying she doesn't know what she wants (which I very much believe that is true). She has said multiple times she sees me in her future. But then sometimes she'll say "if" we get back together. On New Year's Eve we hung out and she cried at a story of something I did for her a couple years ago. Later in the night she told me that she hopes that someday I would be able to take her back in the future. Last week she came into my work and told me she's been missing me. She admitted to crying when she drove past my old place where we first met. She stayed the night with me two nights ago and the next morning she said "why didn't you cuddle with me" and I told her I don't want to push my boundaries. Yesterday when we were hanging out I made a joke about how I'm "friend-zoned" now and right after she leaned in and started kissing me and we did that for a few seconds. Eventually we got onto the topic of us and it had it's low points in which I said some stupid things about our relationship from the past. She was in an upset mood when she was leaving so I started apologizing and I told her that I don't want to damage us beyond repair. She kissed me and then said "I don't think that's possible." She told me that February is when she wants to do all her intense thinking about the situation. She doesn't understand why I still want to be with her as I'm sure a lot of people are wondering. What she's doing is ty and she feels terrible about everything. I just kind of rationalize it as I definitely wasn't perfect. I messed up a lot more than her and her leaving is all kind of built up from the things that I've done. When we talk about "if" (there's that if again) we get back together that we want the relationship to be brand new and not bring anything from the past relationship. She says there are times when she can clearly see that she wants to be with me, but she gets cloudy sometimes because of being attracted to someone else. She wants to give me her all. And she never wants this to happen again if we do get back together.

 

I am just super confused because if we can talk like adults like that, about knowing how we want our future relationship to be and that we still love each other, then why are we not working on a relationship together? There's something holding her back and if there's something I can do to help her confusion, then I'm all for it.

 

Go NC and let this guy do ALL the mistakes. She's going to come running back to you eventually. Don't force her hand anymore. Live your life. You're actually in a decent position to regain her love. Don't blow it by chasing her. Be cool, fun and charming and let your talks be very playful and light. NO serious talk. I wish I was in your shoes. Good luck!!!