How to fix problem of defining our relationship?

[lodudo]

I have been dating someone for 3 months. She had gone through a traumatic experience 10 years ago which ended with her possessive husband killing himself because she left him. I have had my own bad relationship experiences. We seemed to be in sync about having learned to be alone and moved on so that we are open to a healthy relationship. But we both agreed that relationships were kinda scary because a lot of bad things came from them.

 

She said although she has had a few boyfriends since her marriage ended, I am the first person she has had feelings for, and she was unsure as to what that meant. She said she wants me, but is scared of her feelings. I was understanding of this and just went along with it and said she was worth waiting for. She said she was not interested in seeing anyone else. Around christmas time she was telling me how she wants a solid relationship and holidays would be more meaningful with that.

 

Then on her christmas vacation, she went back to her hometown and spent a large majority of her time with this older guy friend of hers. It started seeming weird to me, so I asked if she liked him more than a friend. That's when everything started going downhill. She got upset and asked why I was jealous after she made it clear she was not interested in anyone else and that he was just a friend. I said I didn't like being called jealous and that I didn't realize how much time they spent together. She sent all these long texts explaining how I was the only one she was interested in.

 

When she came home, she said feels like telling me she loves me sometimes but she knows she doesn't yet and it's a come and go feeling that's scary. I felt weird when she said this. I started thinking she needed more direction and commitment from me so she knew what to do with her feelings. And I needed more commitment clarification from her so I could trust her more about what was going on with who she hangs out with. She has been very wishy washy, saying we're dating, but introducing sometimes as her boyfriend, and saying things like, now that I'm in a relationship, etc. So I said I wanted us to be clear that we were in an official exclusive relationship, then I wouldn't feel the need to wonder if she was hanging out with this guy or any other guy because she liked them more than a friend. I'm a trusting person, but we needed to clarify that we were exclusive so that we knew what we were trusting each other about and understood boundaries.

 

This upset her. I just visited her this weekend, and she said that she felt I was pressuring her into something that she explained was scary to her. She said she wants a lasting relationship. She also then said she already made it clear that she was not interested in anybody else, so there was no need to put a label on things and call it exclusive. I explained it was just to prevent misunderstandings and allow trust to build. She then said ok and she would agree to call it exclusive. Then we had a good day, but at night she started acting snappy. I just fell asleep feeling rejected. The next morning, she asked why I was mad at her. I said I wasn't but I just felt like I messed everything up and wanted things to go back to how they were.

 

So then I get to the point where I'm going down on her for 15 minutes and she pulls me up to kiss her and asks if she we can use her vibrator. I said ok. Then after, she asks if it bothered me. I said, it depends why you wanted it. She said it was harder to climax because our feelings were unclear now. At this point I just feel like walking out and calling it over. This was not a good sign.

 

She agreed it was better before I brought up the relationship talk. So I couldn't get this out of my head that it was different now. We talked possibly of calling it quits or going back to calling it dating and build it back up.

 

I said I only brought up the relationship talk because I thought she was hinting at wanting a relationship. What I thought was she was saying to me that her feelings were scary and that she would feel secure in letting her feelings grow if I would prove to her that I was committed to her. I said I was trying to be strong for us and show you some direction. But apparently it had the opposite effect. Then she started kissing me and seemed relieved I said that.

 

But it was still an awkward goodbye and we're left feeling weird. Like I don't even know what we are. Dating, breaking up, relationship??? Any attempt to talk more will just push us further apart.

 

I'm not sure if I actually messed this up or if she is just emotionally unavailable. And what to do in general.

 

Any thoughts? Is this a misunderstanding? What went wrong?

[Hollyj]

Good God, man, stop all the pressure. It's only been three months. You need to chill.

 

She has told you repeatedly that she is only interested in you. Either you trust her, or you don't.

 

If I were her, I would be so annoyed with your repeated talks and insecurities. You are pushing her away! You are in the honeymoon stage. Enjoy each other!

[notalady]

Um I feel like if someone is this scared to call exclusive dating for what it is, so afraid to commit because of bad experience in the past, they really aren't ready to date. She needs a therapist, not another boyfriend.

 

She's all over the place. Honestly, it shouldn't be this hard so early on. I'd let this one go.

[notalady]

Also her accusing of jealousy seems to me that she's still hyper sensitive about her possessive late husband. While I might not have asked someone if they have feelings for a friend, I would've taken that opportunity to clarify where we stand.

 

I think what you said about exclusivity is fine, but, I don't understand why you feel the need to mention this guy or any other guy, because it should be about you two. If you're exclusive, it's implicit that it means neither of you will see others in a romantic capacity. Trust has nothing to do with exclusivity though. Someone can still have feelings for other people when they are in a relationship, it doesn't make them more or less trustworthy. Yes agree on the status and boundaries, but don't preface it with "so I can trust you..." or bring up anyone else in that conversation. It's just weird.

[lodudo]

Also her accusing of jealousy seems to me that she's still hyper sensitive about her possessive late husband. While I might not have asked someone if they have feelings for a friend, I would've taken that opportunity to clarify where we stand.

 

I think what you said about exclusivity is fine, but, I don't understand why you feel the need to mention this guy or any other guy, because it should be about you two. If you're exclusive, it's implicit that it means neither of you will see others in a romantic capacity. Trust has nothing to do with exclusivity though. Someone can still have feelings for other people when they are in a relationship, it doesn't make them more or less trustworthy. Yes agree on the status and boundaries, but don't preface it with "so I can trust you..." or bring up anyone else in that conversation. It's just weird.

 

What I meant is that she doesn't like to put labels on things, such as exclusivity or relationship or boyfriend. So whether people like it or not, this is a common thing people will do when they want to keep options open and not be accused of cheating. I thought if she was able to say exclusive, then I would trust that she wasn't secretly dating anyone else and sweeping it under the friends title. But it wasn't just that. It was about her mentioning wanting a boyfriend and bringing up the holiday, during the holiday.

[kamurj]

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