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Im 21, male ...Is there something wrong with me?


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I don't know where to start... I've been crying most nights of the week for the past 4 months. I feel like i have no purpose in life. I originally wanted to be a pilot. But I was born with poor eyesight. A number of things always enter my head when ever I feel stressed and weak. My parents divorced when I was young and i didnt really grow up with any relatives around since my family relocated countries when i was seven. And even then my parents are 9 hours apart so I live with a really fragmented family. I've only ever had 2 girlfriends. The last of which was really really bad.


I would say im decent looking... but every night for the past month and everyday suicide has been on my mind. I've felt depression when I broke up with my 1 year long ex but recently and with recent events. Ever since then I've been single and after recovering from the break up i feel like I've improved myself. I've done a lot of trial and error with people and social situations in general. At the moment, I am in 3rd of university... my self protection mechanism is that I try to combat social anxiety by trying to fit in with everyone. Deep down i feel there is something wrong with me and my personality. I've tried to combat my depression by praying since my mum is religious. So everynight I pray that I find somebody who i can be real and 100% myself with. But everytime i open up more to people the more they find me odd. The more i get hurt and its gotten to a point where I'm convinced that i always have to be happy and cheerful in front of people. I tend to avoid tense situations with people and so I've always gotten along with everyone. In general I am always friendly and humble and giving to people whether it be acquaintances or friends. But everynight i always overthink. I don't feel like i will ever find love again. I've been trying so hard. But I feel like my personality is flawed and i try to cover it up with being friendly.


I've been on so many dates. But it's gotten to a point where I cant get second dates because whenever I express happiness, I am blunt and unattractive because i am talkative... i dont understand. I'm left handed... and i know left handed people are more likely to suffer from mental illnesses but im trying to do everything RIGHT. but at the end of the day it feels like one mistake leads to everything crashing down. I feel like i have no emotional support except for myself. I have TRIED to focus on life and trying to graduate while going to the gym and doing stuff I enjoy. But everynight i will always contemplate life or cry. I always ask myself if it will get better. I've been living like this for 2 years ever since my mum moved away and my family is really fragmented. It's out of my control...

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I would suggest calling a suicide hotline in the country which you live in. You can speak with a volunteer about your problems and they can direct you to any services that can help you with the issues that you are facing.

You have diagnosed your self with a possible mental illness without seeking the help of a mental health counselor. I would suggest that you immediately seek the help of a professional.

Also, advise your mother of your troubles and how you are feeling. Maybe she can provide you with some help or advice. Don't do something drastic and leave your mother in the dark. She will forever live with the regret of not being able to help you.

You are 21 years old. My ex was 24 years old when he had his first kiss/relationship. Now, he is happily engaged. You shouldn't be down on yourself because of your past dating experiences. You will meet the right person. It just takes time.

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I just want to say....I know a commercial airline pilot who also flys small planes for skydiving who's eyesight is about -8.5. He wears contacts. Not sure what your situation is....but I'm sure there is a way.

From your post you sound quite overwhelmed. Pick two things to work on at a time max that are achievable (not two massive things but one small thing and one larger thing...or just one REALLY large thing and nothing else) or you will burn yourself out like I did.

Don't worry about being odd, you will find your people. I have a friend whom i met through tinder (completely platonic but we have a few things in common to chat about) he is quite intense, he suffers from ADHD and he is quite emotional. BUT he is also very intelligent and has lent a good ear to me of late in my breakup, he offers his opinion and stories and while I know he is a handful sometimes, I am still glad to call him my friend. You should sit down and write down good things about you, and things you would like to improve on over time...not what others say you should, but really what you think will make your life better, it sounds like you made a good start, but perhaps started to worry too much about others. Get that confidence back one step at a time!


You got this!

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Sry for taking soo long. I wrote some things on one FB group and got like 20ish messages and stuff, so ...


My story.


I really don't remember too much of my parents in childhood, I only remember my grandma who had huge impact on me. Parents - 0 points. At early age I remember going in hospital every half year 'couse of kidney problems. At my 6th birthday we moved out from the town where I grew up and it kinda killed me. Kids from other town where I moved were just ... crazy. I don't remember kindergarten and first 4 years of primary school, but I remember other 4 years of primary school. Abusing, mocking, fights and stuff. I really wanted that period to end. Then after that 4 years I moved in high school in town where I grew up. I always felt like extra guy, so again I moved after 1 year... it's not that hard to guess where. When I came back, same old story .. they all liked to make fun of me. And I went to collage after 3 years of that. On collage was sitaution like: "Yeah... look that freak TheLoser sitting in front row alone.". I kinda gave up and drop collage, I couldn't be there anymore. I feel bad when I remember that place. So.. now I am at home, "working" from home.


On emotional plan:

I first seriusly fell in love with a girl from high scool in first grade. I was in love for ~3 years. I loved her move then anything else before and after it. We went out on valentines day in 3rd grade of high school. It was a disaster. Then I tried to date my best friend about few months later. We kinda get in fight about that girl, and his "boyfriend". So we don't talk since then. On 1st year of collage I moved to the town with 1 milion people. I met girl online on social phobia forum and we get along. We kinda dated a very short time, and she is now my best female friend. After some time I've met another girl on same forum. I was in love with her for 4 years now. We were best friends for ~1 year, and it's been 3 years since we last talked.


I wanted to be soo much in my life, I wanted to be a doctor, then a flight control guy.. but that all dreams turned into zero now. Complete 0.


So.. that was all in short. Never had GF, never kissed, bullied .. suicidal before, suicidal now...


Feel free to message me anytime.

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