Over 11 years wasted on fake love?

[DepressedAlone]

This is a long story so I'll cut it short. I've been with a guy over 11 years and I can see the end of our relationship approaching. Why? Because he is Muslim and he is getting pressured by his mum to get an arranged marriage. He wanted me to convert but not only that. He expected me to live in his parents house with them cook, clean etc plus cover up and god knows what else. This was too much for me as I haven't been brought up like that. There was no give or take it seemed it was his way because again his mum wants a muslim! So then all of a sudden he tells me over the past 6 months that he can't leave me so he will marry who his mum chooses and marry me and live with me. This is non negotiable for me I would never do this. I would rather convert than be a second wife still hidden away as a secret or whatever. I feel I'm not good enough I have days where I cry all the time. I have days where I feel strong. Lately I have crumbled and feel so depressed, plus I have recently lost my Grandma so the pain in my life has doubled. We still see eachother, still sleep together but I can't help bringing up the subject every time. I don't know what to do I feel alone as none of my friends care or ask me how I am. My parents never wanted us to be together either they are Catholic. I've even tried to talk to other guys but feel I can't move on as I'm still in love and I hurt everyday. Some advice please?

[melancholy123]

You need to find a guy who is not a muslim. Traditions are very important to them and the odds of you being happy with him long term are slim to nil. Dont marry this guy. Dont be a second wife kept a secret. You will be more miserable than you already are.

[zeino]

IMHO, this isn't about Islam. What is there in Islam or in any Abrahamic religion that tells these men to string along women in a modern world and then come up and say "my mother, my religion, I will live with you secretly, this and that"? He was obviously aware of the requirements of his religion the way he understands them as well as those of his mother for a decade, yeah? (Sorry I may sound a bit angry, I have recently left a mother enmeshed man. I am an atheist raised in a Muslim but laicist country, he is an agnostic, both his mother and himself as her parrot gave me small doses of Christian preaching and in the end, I had to quote a relevant section from the Bible to him about a man leaving his father and mother.) These secrecies, lies he offers, having friends outside marriage this way, what does his religion say about these? I also think he is living in a fantasy world; there is no way he can get married with a woman his family chooses and secretly lie with you without his family interfering - especially if he will make this poor woman live with this family of origin as well. Actually, actually, in Islam, forcing someone to convert is not allowed and non-Muslim women marrying Muslim men do not even have to convert and they should be allowed observing their faith. So, in his face, really. So tired of people trying to get their way and justifying it with all sorts of things.

 

So yes, whatever religion he is a member of, he seems to disrespect women and their precious time as well as being unable to defend what he wants in life. Just like I could not see a future for myself with my own ex (and good people of ENA pointed this out very clearly), I don't think you can have a happy future with this man, his family culture etc. (Many people in his culture reject these living with the family arrangements as well by the way.)

 

This isn't about you not being good enough. This is about him not being good enough, not enough. You deserve so much better.

 

This has been 11 years of your life, it is a substantial amount of time. Obviously, you have had good times with him. But you have longer years ahead. Please never foret this.

 

If you feel pressure because this didn't work, if you feel like you have failed and this is difficult to explain to your family, you can try to replace these thoughts, these pressures with more constructive ideas and put boundaries with your family after sharing your perspective. Actually, you didn't fail in anything, you are winning your future. We all feel these kinds of things after long-term relationships, after divorces etc. But the truth is we are doing what we think is best for our future. You have every right to own the good things in this relationship but also not deny what you don't like. And everyone needs to see it this way; that you are a strong woman with independent values. You are capable of loving and fighting for your love but if it doesn't satisfy you at a values level, at a life-style level, at whatever level, then you are not afraid of saying no, either.

 

Please try to approach yourself kindly, like you would approach your best friend. Start detaching from him and replacing the void in your life with new things slowly. You will thank yourself in a year.

 

All the best

[DepressedAlone]

Yes I agree with what you have said. He didn't even give me the chance of going to his house and talking to his mother or sisters. If he did that then maybe something could have been done. So now all of a sudden all he can say is he can't let his mother down. Ok but its fine to let me down after all these years? I will try to distance myself but it's sooo hard. I see no happiness. He used to always say he would choose me over anyone. We were meant to be but in reality are not.

Thank you for you're advice x

 

 

IMHO, this isn't about Islam. What is there in Islam or in any Abrahamic religion that tells these men to string along women in a modern world and then come up and say "my mother, my religion, I will live with you secretly, this and that"? He was obviously aware of the requirements of his religion the way he understands them as well as those of his mother for a decade, yeah? (Sorry I may sound a bit angry, I have recently left a mother enmeshed man. I am an atheist raised in a Muslim but laicist country, he is an agnostic, both his mother and himself as her parrot gave me small doses of Christian preaching and in the end, I had to quote a relevant section from the Bible to him about a man leaving his father and mother.) These secrecies, lies he offers, having friends outside marriage this way, what does his religion say about these? I also think he is living in a fantasy world; there is no way he can get married with a woman his family chooses and secretly lie with you without his family interfering - especially if he will make this poor woman live with this family of origin as well. Actually, actually, in Islam, forcing someone to convert is not allowed and non-Muslim women marrying Muslim men do not even have to convert and they should be allowed observing their faith. So, in his face, really. So tired of people trying to get their way and justifying it with all sorts of things.

 

So yes, whatever religion he is a member of, he seems to disrespect women and their precious time as well as being unable to defend what he wants in life. Just like I could not see a future for myself with my own ex (and good people of ENA pointed this out very clearly), I don't think you can have a happy future with this man, his family culture etc. (Many people in his culture reject these living with the family arrangements as well by the way.)

 

This isn't about you not being good enough. This is about him not being good enough, not enough. You deserve so much better.

 

This has been 11 years of your life, it is a substantial amount of time. Obviously, you have had good times with him. But you have longer years ahead. Please never foret this.

 

If you feel pressure because this didn't work, if you feel like you have failed and this is difficult to explain to your family, you can try to replace these thoughts, these pressures with more constructive ideas and put boundaries with your family after sharing your perspective. Actually, you didn't fail in anything, you are winning your future. We all feel these kinds of things after long-term relationships, after divorces etc. But the truth is we are doing what we think is best for our future. You have every right to own the good things in this relationship but also not deny what you don't like. And everyone needs to see it this way; that you are a strong woman with independent values. You are capable of loving and fighting for your love but if it doesn't satisfy you at a values level, at a life-style level, at whatever level, then you are not afraid of saying no, either.

 

Please try to approach yourself kindly, like you would approach your best friend. Start detaching from him and replacing the void in your life with new things slowly. You will thank yourself in a year.

 

All the best

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but you're right that the end is approaching. Second wife?... is he saying this to keep the sex going because that may only be valid in his mind if you're not in his country. Is he currently in your country studying/working?

 

You must end this sooner rather than later. He's not marrying you and marriage to him into his culture sounds unacceptable.

Because he is Muslim and he is getting pressured by his mum to get an arranged marriage. He expected me to live in his parents house with them cook, clean etc plus cover up and god knows what else. he tells me over the past 6 months that he can't leave me so he will marry who his mum chooses and marry me and live with me.My parents never wanted us to be together either.

[Clio]

You need to break up. That means stopping all contact and getting him out of your life for good. As long as you keep seeing him the hurt won't stop. He is not going to change. 11 years have shown you that. You need to stop wasting your time. It IS going to hurt for a while but if you get him out of your life, in time you WILL heal. I am sure that your family and friends will be supportive if you break up. This guy sounds really bad for you so they will probably be glad to see you freed. This has nothing to do with your value. It has everything to do with his lack of integrity and lack of backbone. So he is willing to make TWO women miserable. What a catch!

[DepressedAlone]

We both live in the UK he was born here like me but his family are from Pakistan. They live here too.

 

 

Sorry to hear this but you're right that the end is approaching. Second wife?... is he saying this to keep the sex going because that may only be valid in his mind if you're not in his country. Is he currently in your country studying/working?

 

You must end this sooner rather than later. He's not marrying you and marriage to him into his culture sounds unacceptable.

[Clio]

Bigamy is illegal in the UK. This guy is so full of it. Don't walk, RUN.

[DepressedAlone]

But he would get married in Pakistan to some woman there. Maybe it wouldn't be registered here I'm not sure to be honest how it goes

 

{QUOTE=Clio;6730461]Bigamy is illegal in the UK. This guy is so full of it. Don't walk, RUN.

[FunnySomeWhat]

DespressedAlone how old are you two, im wondering does your bfs family have any control monetarily over your lives, just wondering what consequences he could face for saying no to them and choosing you

[Clio]

And how does this make things any better? You are defending him?You really need to snap out of this. There have been honor killings of women in situations like this, even in the UK. Why in the world would you get yourself into such a situation? The guy is clearly a coward who wants his cake and eat it too. Is this how you picture the father of your children? Is this the kind of family you want for yourself and your children? Is this how you want a daughter or son to be raised?!!!! Snap out of it.

[DepressedAlone]

We are 28. He lives with his family. He has his own business so I don't think he would be left penny less. I don't understand how he can be so controlled. Then he twists things into making it seem he is the victim. Throwing accusations at me like I was never good enough and didn't love him. What a load of bs

 

DespressedAlone how old are you two, im wondering does your bfs family have any control monetarily over your lives, just wondering what consequences he could face for saying no to them and choosing you

[DepressedAlone]

It definitely doesn't I agree with you. And yes he wants everything his way. I'd never be a second wife no matter what or who it was trust me.

 

And how does this make things any better? You are defending him?You really need to snap out of this. There have been honor killings of women in situations like this, even in the UK. Why in the world would you get yourself into such a situation? The guy is clearly a coward who wants his cake and eat it too. Is this how you picture the father of your children? Is this the kind of family you want for yourself and your children? Is this how you want a daughter or son to be raised?!!!! Snap out of it.

[FunnySomeWhat]

Ok thats good in a sense but it begs to question why a 28 year old man wpuld car what his parents think, its very effed up here but keep us posted we are here to help however little it may help lol

[DepressedAlone]

Thank you I will x

[Capricorn3]

Ok thats good in a sense but it begs to question why a 28 year old man wpuld car what his parents think, its very effed up

It's normal in many cultures. If he is of a culture where arranged marriage is the done thing, then caring what the parents think is all within what is normal for them - children will obey their parents and it doesn't matter what their age is.

[FunnySomeWhat]

It was somewhat rhetorical, of course thats the logic im sure but its a huge shame, as a man you have to have your own set of balls regardless of the background noise

[DepressedAlone]

So the latest is that he wants his mum and dad to be looked after?! What so you get married so some stranger comes to do what exactly with them? Then he said how he needs to set standards to his brothers and sisters etc that they are not westernised (they all live in UK) and so people in the future will understand that. Then he said how he loves me and wants me to be in his life forever so I should be the second wife. I would never do that unfortunately for him. But setting standards really coming from him?!

 

It was somewhat rhetorical, of course thats the logic im sure but its a huge shame, as a man you have to have your own set of balls regardless of the background noise

[mfrankie1]

So the latest is that he wants his mum and dad to be looked after?! What so you get married so some stranger comes to do what exactly with them? Then he said how he needs to set standards to his brothers and sisters etc that they are not westernised (they all live in UK) and so people in the future will understand that. Then he said how he loves me and wants me to be in his life forever so I should be the second wife. I would never do that unfortunately for him. But setting standards really coming from him?!

 

Yes, he wants them to be looked after. How can you be with him for 11 years and not know some of the culture. This is typical Asian culture, no matter how westernised he is, he will not ostracize himself from his family and become what you envision (your cultural upbringing). Do you know of Amir Khan, the British boxer whose family originates from Pakistan but he is British born? Have you seen in the media coverage of the family feud where his wife has been subjected to criticism for not being an acceptable daughter in law? She's from NY, she an independent minded, modern woman and doesn't dress the way Amir's parents want - as a result they have abused her verbally and over social media. She's a Muslim and even she's not good enough. When the parents are ageing, you as the daughter-in-law would be expected to care for them, perhaps alongside your husband. Perhaps it will just be your job...That is true in many Asian cultures.

If you love someone, you accept all of them and don't try to change them. Neither of you are able to do this in your relationship.

 

I may sound harsh but this is only going to end in further heartbreak for you because he's made his intentions clear. Essentially, you would be expected to submit to the faith, the culture, the family. If he couldn't live without you, he could go against his parents wishes but would risk disownment or worse repercussions. Look up honour killings.

 

I also wanted to marry an Asian man (East Asian, Japanese) and no matter what I did, I could not become part of that culture or ever be 'enough'.

[Clio]

If you won't accept his terms, break up. At the end of the day the answer is that simple. There is nothing more to discuss. You are incompatible. We could discuss all day how asking you to be a second wife etc is wrong. This will not change anything. This is who he is. Either you are in or out. You seriously need to stop wasting more time on him. Wasting another DECADE on him would not change things other than wasting your youth and limiting your prospects ro find a decent man to marry. At 28 you really need to stop wasting time on clowns if you are interested in having a family and children and you need to keep away from men who would be unfit fathers. He is no longer the boy you met at 17. He is a changed person. You two are no longer a good fit. You never were to begin with.

[Wiseman2]

He wants to leave you and do this arranged marriage thing but it's easier for him to use tradition, culture, his parents etc as the reasons. This way you can be upset with his parents and can't argue with his traditions, etc. He is stringing you along.

We are 28. He lives with his family. He has his own business so I don't think he would be left penny less. I don't understand how he can be so controlled. Then he twists things into making it seem he is the victim. Throwing accusations at me like I was never good enough and didn't love him.

[DepressedAlone]

To cut the long story short basically I have been in a relationship for almost 12 years he is muslim I'm not. He always said he would choose me marry me and be with me. He has asked me to convert and everything before but i feel that isn't for me and why should I change. Up until a few months ago we were fine but now he says he has to marry a woman in Pakistan.

 

I'm really heartbroken and feel used to be honest even though its been so long. So he gave me 1 option now he said don't convert don't do anything move into a house with him and live there whilst he would be married to some muslim girl that would live at his parents house looking after his parents.

 

I'd never ever do this and made it very clear. However he doesn't seem to understand. So how can he think he could marry me and be married to some pakistani woman who lives with his mum and dad?

 

I asked him when is this happening he said he doesn't know and won't know or know who she is until the wedding is that true? He said he predicts!! It could happen end of this year? How does the process work i mean this woman wouldn't even get to the UK straight away. I said he will never see me again if he does this

[BeenThereB4]

You already posted about this. You know you have to end this relationship now.

[Wiseman2]

How many wives does he want? In the UK legally he can have only one, but sure, he could have 3 more back home in Pakistan. So yeah, he could marry her and you could live with him and his family also, up to you..You don't understand his culture at all and are thinking in terms of your own.

Up until a few months ago we were fine but now he says he has to marry a woman in Pakistan. move into a house with him and live there whilst he would be married to some muslim girl that would live at his parents house looking after his parents. So how can he think he could marry me and be married to some pakistani woman who lives with his mum and dad?

 

"Polygamy is legally permissible, but restricted, in the Muslim majority nation of Pakistan. Only males adhering to the Islamic faith are legally allowed to enter into polygamous unions, with a maximum of four wives at one time."

[Snny]

He should of been dumped years ago. He is stringing you along, wants to have his cake and eat it to.

 

Honey you need more self respect than to settle for a man like this. He follows a culture that treats women like second class citizens for a man's own convienence.

 

Sorrynotsorry, I don't share spouses with other people. It's asking for unnecessary drama.