Grandparents loss of grandson

[JAJ12]

My 9 day old grandson died this week. After many medical issues, to include brain damage, my son and his wife had to say goodbye to their beautiful baby boy.

 

My son and his family live out of state and I repeatedly asked if I could come to them while they were struggling to keep their baby alive, I was told "no" every time. And although my son called to say that they were going to let their precious baby go, I was not informed of the actual passing except through a public blog where the world was informed.

 

my son and I have always been close. I'm crushed that I not only lost my grandson (whom I've never seen) but I have lost my son as well. I realize everyone processes grief differently but I'm at a total loss. How do I help in their grieving process if I am kept away. How do I process my own grief if I am not allowed to call, visit, reach out?

 

Please help. I'm leaving to attend the funeral in a few days and have no idea how to approach this situation.

[Seraphim]

I am so so very sorry for your loss. I would attend the funeral and only say your sorries and let them know you are there for them anytime and then I would leave it with that. I think your own personal grieving will have to be done in your own personal time . I know that seems cruel but when parents lose a child they are so encompassed by that grief they cannot even conceive of anything outside of it . I had a baby die before he was born and arranging his funeral was just God awful. When he died I slept for three days and didn't even get up ,wake up nothing . I was so overwrought I couldn't contemplate anything . The world did not exist for me nor did other people . I don't know if that's how your son and daughter-in-law feel .

 

Just offer your help and then leave it they will come to you if they need it . I know for me personally my mom was all over me like a duck on a June bug trying to help and it was incredibly suffocating . I just wanted to grieve not talk to people not do things . She had to do her grieving for her grandchild in her own way but separate from me . There's no way I could've handled her grief too.

 

Again ,I am so very sorry .

[beternal]

I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your grandson...

 

The issue here is about the balance over their grief and yours. You are no doubt experiencing your own grief but also worried for your son's and his family's grief too.

 

Firstly, you haven't lost your son. I have lost loved ones and I'm sure you have too in the past and I think it all comes down to how you process the feeling. No doubt during the process he was too distraught to even consider calling and telling others. Since that day I am pretty sure that feeling is unlikely to have subsided enough to allow others in yet.

 

For me, I found the hardest part about the grief process are the people trying to *help*... half the time you feel like you have to put on a brave face for them because you don't want to cry to them... the other half seems to be that *what are they thinking about me* during those silences that occur during the communication. Some people love to cry on other people's shoulders, others prefer to be left along and only come out of their shell when they're ready. This will have a huge impact on him so you have to be patient. Their grief takes priority here and so I would simply tell you that you need to offer him your shoulder when and if he needs it, but let him come to you when he's ready.

 

As for the funeral, be there as a shoulder... show him you're available... but I'd let him make the first move.

[JAJ12]

I am so so very sorry for your loss. I would attend the funeral and only say your sorries and let them know you are there for them anytime and then I would leave it with that. I think your own personal grieving will have to be done in your own personal time . I know that seems cruel but when parents lose a child they are so encompassed by that grief they cannot even conceive of anything outside of it . I had a baby die before he was born and arranging his funeral was just God awful. When he died I slept for three days and didn't even get up ,wake up nothing . I was so overwrought I couldn't contemplate anything . The world did not exist for me nor did other people . I don't know if that's how your son and daughter-in-law feel .

 

Just offer your help and then leave it they will come to you if they need it . I know for me personally my mom was all over me like a duck on a June bug trying to help and it was incredibly suffocating . I just wanted to grieve not talk to people not do things . She had to do her grieving for her grandchild in her own way but separate from me . There's no way I could've handled her grief too.

 

Again ,I am so very sorry .

 

 

This is very helpful, thank you. I am sorry to hear of your loss but as a result you were able to help someone else. Much gratitude.

[JAJ12]

Thank you. This is helpful. As a mother I just want to wrap both parents up into a protective cacoon and protect them from the pain that they're having to endure. The only thing worse than loosing a child, is to watch your child suffer.

[JAJ12]

This is very helpful, thank you. I am sorry to hear of your loss but as a result you were able to help someone else. Much gratitude.

[Seraphim]

Thank you. This is helpful. As a mother I just want to wrap both parents up into a protective cacoon and protect them from the pain that they're having to endure. The only thing worse than loosing a child, is to watch your child suffer.

 

Absolutely, there is nothing worse than watching your child suffer. ( I have another older child with a disability) As a parent there is nothing worse than watching your child suffer . And you DO want to save them. Unfortunately ,we can't .

Everyone has to live through their own pain .

 

Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Take that time to grieve for yourself too. ❤