I can't stop thinking about him

[Londongirl15]

I bumped into someone who used to go to my old school who used to have a crush on me years ago. He stopped me and we exchanged numbers just as 'friends'. A couple of weeks later he called me and asked if I wanted to meet up so we did. We casually went to a desert place and he explained to me that he really liked me and asked what I thought of him. I told him I saw him as a friend even though he was really cute. Eventually a couple of weeks later I realised how much of a gentleman he was so I said yes to being his girlfriend. This phase only lasted 3 months until we had our first major argument (I got annoyed at him because of something so I didn't respond to his calls or texts for 2 days). After that it never went back to normal. He didn't want to talk to me much even though I called and text to say I missed him. He said he felt the same but he still never asked to see me after that. Now here's the weird bit. I can't stop thinking about him... despite the fact that I only like him as a friend at first. I can't stop thinking about how much he liked me and cared about me and even started to say he loved me. I can't understand how he made me fall for him so badly and then after one argument he didn't want to know anymore. The weird part is I deleted him from snapchat because i didn't want to see what he was doing... but when we had our 'random' phone call he asked me to add him back... so now I see his snapchat posts and think about him even more day and night. I have briefly explained to him that it really upset me by not talking to me anymore but I'm not sure he feels the same, despite the fact that he always said he thought he liked me more than I liked him. Now and then I respond to his snaps with a vid and he responds saying how pretty I look. It still doesn't make sense to me why he is acting so distant and I really want him back... what should I do?

[beternal]

I think if he honestly had those feelings, he'd be doing the chasing. (sorry)

 

Firstly, never EVER do the silent treatment! everyone has a threshold that they will accept and no amount of chatting after that has passed will get the other person back. He probably called/txt a lot during that time and probably gave up after a while thinking you'd moved on. Learn from this mistake! I'll be honest, I have done this and had it done to me (and would probably still do it!), but it's not the right way to deal with problems.

 

If I'm honest, I think the damage is done and in his mind it's over. He's being civil by replying, talking about good times, being friendly but I think that's as far as it will go now. He's probably flirting with the idea of being with you... he's single, lonely, adds you back on snapchat etc (whatever it is, I don't use it!), but then remembers the pain and awkwardness of the breakup and goes quiet again because it hurt too much.

 

Speaking as a guy, clingy isn't the way to go. The ONLY way you have a chance of salvaging this is giving him space. No videos, no constant posts/txts etc... at most a txt a day asking how things are. If I'm honest, I wouldn't even send that until after a few days of silence.

 

If he likes you, he'll make the first move... if you push it and message constantly, he'll feel pressured and you'll push him further away.

 

If he doesn't like you, well you'll know from his lack of response.

[Londongirl15]

Thanks for your response it makes a lot of sense so I think I just have to accept the way things are now he definitely did a bit of chasing just as you mentioned while I gave him the silent treatment, but I just wanted to show him that it bothered me... I will never do that again!

[katrina1980]

I see this *silence* issue differently, in *your* situation.

 

You had an argument and needed a couple of days to chill out? Calm down a bit before resuming contact?

 

I see nothing wrong with that, sure beats hanging around and being a royal bytch cause you have not processed, calmed down, or quite over it yet.

 

Many people need some space after an upsetting argument, to process, regroup, regain their bearings.

 

Otherwise again you risk becoming annoyed by everything, and behaving like a bytch.... which never resolves anything and only compounds it. Causes more arguments.

 

So take the time if you need it.

 

If he holds that against you, to the point he wants to end the entire relationship, then perhaps he wasn't all that into it in the first place.

 

Men (not all but many) often need this type of space for a day or two after a fight, and we women are told to chill out, do our thing and he will be back.

 

I don't get why women are not afforded the same courtesy, lest men such as your bf get all butt hurt and want to end the entire relationship.

 

Calling BS on that one!

 

You did NOTHING wrong.

 

Just leave him alone. You have attempted to reconnect, which is great.

 

If and when he wants to see you/talk to you, resume the relationship, he knows where to find you!

 

ETA: Not to pry but what was the argument? Did he break some boundary, or otherwise challenge your trust in some way? Or just otherwise hurt you, upset you?

 

Something else? It could be relevant to this discussion and the advice you receive.

[Londongirl15]

I thought I was doing the right thing with the silent treatment but it obviously worked against me. The argument was (a little silly now that I think about it) he told me to be ready by 3pm yet by 6 o clock he was still not available to meet. After numerous phone calls it felt he was making excuses and was putting his friends before me because he kept saying he needed another half an hour each time. The part I got annoyed about was that it took me an hour to get ready and then on top of that I was sat at home with my boots on for over 3 hours just waiting for him (when he was the one who made the plan!) My sister would come in to the living room and laugh and say that I'd be waiting hours by the looks of it. Due to this I stopped answering his calls, cried, and went on a girls night out instead. It sounds so silly I know, but it happened... and it upset me because I thought he didn't care anymore despite apologising numerous times. (I think I was acting a bit emotional). Never the less, he has been contacting me today after days (we've not seen each other in a month now) but I can't even call him my boyfriend anymore. He didn't physically break up with me however the way he is acting kind of proves he is not. I bet this all sounds childish, but he is the first person I fell for in many years. I keep replying to his texts which generally ask me how I am, what I'm doing, and telling me to take medicine (because I have a cold right now). I would like to keep in contact with him but now I feel like he will get comfortable with only texting and want nothing more. I agree with your comment about 'he knows where to find me if he wants to persue things' and ironically enough he said the same thing to me the day I stopped talking to him. I made a mistake because I was upset that he didn't put me first and now I'm paying the price. If it helps, we only saw each other about once a week at that point which is why I really wanted to see him! maybe I should just give him space as you mentioned