resillience Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Hello everybody: It is my very first time to use forums.This time I feel I need an advice or maybe just vent off. I met him nearly 4 years ago.He is 4 years younger than me.I have two children and he has none.I was divorced after 12 years of marriage, he had one long term(2.5 years) relationship.He is 33 now and I am 36 turning 37 soon.We met on a language website.For the first year we were on email but it was not dating or anything like that.I started to fall for him despite his emotional distance. Then he came to the country I am in to meet face to face.He had been here before.He was distant but I could not help but fall for him more. We were spending more time with him. We had sex which I initiated.He kept saying that there was no future for us. I just blocked it but it remained inside. That night he repeated it but I did not lsiten to it. We continued.We went to vacations many times. I learnt that he was still having sex with his ex,I got very upset and he said that h could stop if I asked him to stop.I could not understand what he was talking bout. In m mind if he wanted to stop, he would.I just kept silent. Then he begged for me to come back but he kept saying that dreaded sentence "we are more than friends but less than lovers". He rerurned to his country then started to do world travels. I learnt many times that he had girls in his life.I created problems and tried distancing myself but kept returning.In my mind I was the one who was accepting this treatment.I was also angry at myself but could not control it.I was missing him. He came here again.I nearly begged him to meet with me.Of course he became increasingly distant and disrespectful. He left again and after that period,I promise myself to start to pick my dignity pieces back.Slowly I started to work on myself.When he was again, during his disrespect, I did something that I had never done before-I did not talk to him more two months but again it was me who returned to him.It was so hard to let go.It was like an addiction. He was obviously taking me for granted. At the end I was always there. He is here now again and we met.I asked one last time and the answer is the same.I told him that I am done and I should have been done long time ago.I said that it was not just his immaturity but my irresponsibility for this mess. He kept saying that it was a mistake to leave him and did not want me to leave.He said we could remain friends and that he respected me as a person so much. I told him that I should do this for myself-gain my dignity and self respect. I wished him good luck and took him out from everywhere,I even said bye to our mutual friend. I treat this relationship as an addiction.I am in withdrawal period right now. I am missing him.I am imagining that he will come back declaring his love which never happened and most likely will never happen.Had I stayed, I knew I would have been introduced to his girlfriend at one point.I do not regret this.I just want to let go his control over me and regain my self respect because I am worth it. Whoever is reading this,please leave him/her if s/he does not commit.If s/he says that s/he can't commit, be sure that s/he won't. Get out of the relationship and use your precious time to heal and grow into a better person. Think of the relationship as an addiction.You know it is unhelathy but it feels good when you receive the attention from him or her then you face the side effects and you regret while promising that you will leave but when you or s/he leaves, you start to withdraw and cravings for interactions increase. Once you understand that in every addiction, the cravings subside in time, you will have a goal in mind. However, don't blame the person or yourself, just take the full responsibility and move forward. Please forgive yourself for your relapses. It may happen but it does not make any of us worthless or other person worthwhile. I am craving right now and I hope he will find the right person for him.I take the full responsbility in this story and take a day at a time and I won;t have a relapse this time. I wish all of you good luck in your relationships with commitment issues. Link to comment
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