Mostly looking for words of encouragement!

[mustlovedogs]

Hey everyone! I'm posting mostly because I'm feeling a bit discouraged as of late and, as lame as it is, I'm hoping for some words of encouragement.

 

Brief background: ex dumped me a little over a year ago on our two year anniversary. What a peach, right? I had been laid off, couldn't find a job, and now I'm back in grad school. (I don't think being laid off contributed to being dumped - I had anticipated it and had plenty of savings to be more than fine). On the one hand, things are going great. I feel more confident, I've made good friends, I've had time to foster my hobbies, and my degree is awesome.

 

However, on the other hand, I haven't had much luck with the job search (I graduate in May). I understand the last two months have been a sort of dead season for recruiting, but I'm not even getting calls back and it's making me feel a bit insecure. I have many contacts in my industry - including executives - and they all say my resume and experience is fantastic so I'll be fine with getting a job. That's reassuring, but I haven't seen results. Of course, my timing may be bad so this may turn around in the next few weeks.

 

Additionally, one of my mutual friends with my ex liked a picture of them together. They were out celebrating their 1 year anniversary. My emotions tied to him are thankfully somewhat limited anymore, but it made me feel down for a number of reasons. He met her pretty quickly after we broke up (2-2.5 months.). In fact, we were still talking when they met. Also, they obviously did something for their anniversary. For our first, he didn't want to do anything and it turned in to a huge fight. Not to mention I haven't so much as kissed anyone since the breakup. I took about 6 months off of dating so I've been dating with varying levels of activity since about June and I haven't yet made it to date 2. I just haven't felt that connection or curiosity that I'm looking for.

 

I do get dates, not as many as my skinnier friends (I'm plus sized) but I get them. So I'm obviously not horrifically unattractive. About 1/3 of my dates want a second date when I'm not feeling it, I want a second with maybe another 1/3 and they aren't interested, and then the remaining 1/3 are mutually uninterested.

 

So this also tells me that I have some good, dateable qualities. I understand that the odds of being attracted to someone are somewhat slim so it's reasonable to expect it's even slimmer for mutual attraction.

 

But I'm stuck. He moved on right after me and found love. I'm still in this life limbo. I'm really, truly, genuinely happy. And I think I'm funny, interesting, smart, adventurous, caring...

 

So why am I stuck in this limbo (both with my career and my love life?)

 

Has anyone else felt this way? How long did it take to feel like things were working out again?

 

Thanks for the help ENA

[Applewhite]

I felt stuck with horrible prospects careerwise and relationshipwise, also had an accident and injured myself/had surgery, but I kept trying and everything got better. Now have a job and make good $$ and am in a new relationship that I am very excited about. How long did it take, longer than I would have liked but it happened. I have a graduate degree as well, for multiple reasons I ended up in a field unrelated to my education. So maybe widen your net?

 

1/3 is a good ratio. When I was dating I would want to see like 1/50 guys a second time if that. So it took forever for me it seems to find a relationship.

[lostandhurt]

It is not uncommon for anyone to feel as you do especially after what you have been through.

 

Job search as you said is tuff in the holiday season unless you work retail. Are you on Linkden? I also heard that your resume should be no more than 700 words. A very professional picture seems to be a big key as well.

 

As far as your love life goes comparing your situation to his is simply not fair to you. You are not in the same place as he is (school and career search) and he initiated the end so he was way ahead of you emotionally.

 

If you think about it if you were needy and weak you would have settled for one of those guys just to have someone in your life but you are strong and know what you want. You are in a good place because you have put yourself there, the only thing missing is the opportunity for a good job which is somewhat out of your control. Dating takes times as you know and is not for the thin skinned.

 

I have seen so many in similar situations that settle and are miserable because of it, I don't see that happening to you.

 

Lost

[mustlovedogs]

I'm glad it all worked out! When you say it took you longer then you wanted, how long was it? Years?

 

I've been working on being more open and not eliminating people right away. I felt these fantastic sparks with my ex BUT I hadn't dated anyone in years before him so I was super excited for the date. That excitement I think gave my brain the chemistry it wanted. So now I just see if a first date goes well and then I allow myself to feel excited which helps (psychology is funny).

 

I can feel that I'm on this life trajectory that will put me someplace awesome in 6 or so months but I'm not there yet. Flip side, my ex has everything I want but I think his life has stagnated (besides this new relationship). I'm jealous that he's "winning", but I have this feeling that great things are coming my way in 6-12 months and I may be back to where I want to be then.

 

I've got these weird, competing feelings of being happy exactly where I am and feeling subpar (he moved on, no job hits).

[Applewhite]

Well my situation is a bit different in that my ex wasn't everything i dreamed of, it was just comfortable (no animosity we are friends now). But the period of time i was single (though i did date) was about 3 years

[Capricorn3]

I'm afraid I don't have any answers, but I can send some ~cyber hugs~ I hope you find what you are looking for real soon!

[mustlovedogs]

I'm afraid I don't have any answers, but I can send some ~cyber hugs~ I hope you find what you are looking for real soon!

 

Cyber hugs are perfect, thank you

[RainyCoast]

i think it's the fact that his grass looks greener. as you say, your situation isn't horrible, your dating is going quite well and your degree sounds grand- and two months isn't a long period of rejection these days.

 

does it help you to look at his situation objectively? i mean surely he hasn't moved on, judging from the description he monkey-branched to a pre-lined-up replacement and is trying to prove to himself or whoever that this is so much better than the failed relationship, but you see these people everywhere, their flaunted "happiness" crashes down pretty quickly and reveals all the stuff they refused to deal with previously is still there, rearing it's ugly head. not saying to placate yourself by claiming his life is sour-grapes, but objectively, is he doing great or is he trying to cheat on life by avoiding facing himself, forcing a good relationship on a rotten foundation that is him?

 

everyone needs to feel some measure of worth and power. and when they feel devalued or a failure in that sense, some choose to regain that the healthy way, while to some the first instinct is to just regain it, in any way. to just get on the up side of the scale. get hold of the perfect life that says "i'm someone worthy" with desperate grabby hands. it's built on nothing but fear of worthlessness, and sustained by nothing but the neurotic need as well.

 

if you're comparing yourself to him, don't forget to add into the equasion the fact that you're going about picking yourself up the goode olde tried and proven way. you've taken time off dating when you weren't ready, you're not hungry to blind yourself with the illusion that the first good date is your perfect mate, you're not forcing things, and you're doing the hard but quality work of securing a good career with actual qualifications.

 

one thing about the job search, i have been employed so long that now that i'm on the search to switch workplaces if possible, i find my classical approach outdated. the job market is aggressive and competitive these days, it takes a bang element to stand out. have you considered a meeting with a career coach or someone like that? depending on your field, would a personal webpage where you present some of your work help? doing a bit of pro bono work to use as examples of your skill for example? everyone is sending in resumes. maybe tips on an approach that screams "jackpot girl" would help.

[mustlovedogs]

RainyCoast, your response made me smile so thank you!

 

I've been thinking about the bang element and I'll need to dwell on that some more. I think I have something, though, that stands out (not sure what that something is...). But here's why I say that. Yesterday I went and had coffee with two of my contacts. I had mentioned in passing this one application I submitted at a different company and my contact said "oh, I know their CEO - I'll put you in contact"

 

Second meeting was with a VP at a small company. He eventually introduced me to the CEO (which I wasn't expecting...) and the CEO essentially interviewed me and said I had good experience and shouldn't worry about finding a job, and they weren't currently looking but he could see me fitting in if they were.

 

 

Sooooo, if I can just get that initial in person meeting, managers seem to like me. That's a plus!

 

And on the dating thing... truth be told, it's a bit immoral for me to be dating now. There's a reasonably high probability I'll have to relocate in a few months so it's not fair to date. So I've stopped putting in much effort.

[mustlovedogs]

Does anyone else have any positive stories? I know they're out there!