My mom is a little overbearing

[Beth66]

OK so I love my mom but it's really getting hard to deal with her. I constantly get yelled at or I end up getting her mad at me for not doing exactly what she wants when she wants me to. She gets mad a lot because I got my AA while in high school so now I'm 18 and I really am not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life (what I want to major in) and she thinks that I should be sure of what I want to do. She gets offended because I want to do something she doesn't want me to do like for example, I want to be a police officer but she tells me I don't weigh enough and that I would be terrible at that and I would get hurt so on so on. Then tells my younger sister that she would be great at it when she's 11. I now tell her I want to be a nurse because I know that would make her happy and she gets mad and tells me that I only want to be a nurse because my boyfriend told me to when in reality I've been considering the option for a long time. (I'm really not sure what I want to do yet. I wish I had more time to decide.) She tells me it hurts her feelings when I tell her that I want to make my own path in my life and yells at me and makes a big drama with my dad about it. Luckily my dad doesn't care much about anything in my life. I'm really not sure how to make her happy. I seem to be failing at it badly. I've been dating this guy for half a year now and he's really nice to her but quiet and she constantly complains about him not having college. (She hates that) and tells me that we will live in poverty and I will never have a good life if we made a life together. But he's a really hard worker I'm not worried about that. He has a lot of skills too like working on cars and electrical work. I am doing college but I feel like college isn't the only way to make a life. (and it's only been six months so it's not like I'm getting married anytime soon) whenever she sees me she tells me how he should do this job and that job instead of the job he's already doing. She also tells him and she gets mad that he doesn't quit what he's doing to follow her commands. He's been trying to get a better job lately working towards security which he's been pursuing for awhile after taking his training course. She looks up the numbers for money they make and then tells me that it's not a good job and that he should do something else. When I tell her it's not her place to tell him what job to work (this happens every week) she gets mad at me again and again. I really like this guy a lot but my mom is putting a huge strain on the relationship by constantly telling me that if I want to be with him to get ready for a terrible life with not a penny to my name. It makes it hard to be happy when all you hear about from you own mother is how the person you care about isn't good enough even when I think he is. I feel like it's damaging my relationship and I'm really worried about it. One of my past ex's mentioned that it was hard to have a relationship when my mother hated him. I think I'm a good daughter to her, I at least try to be, I always help around the house, and get fantastic grades in school. I've always had an issue with anorexia. I've been a lot better about it now but she used to yell at me for that and call me names and make fun of me about how thin I am. I've been eating a lot more and she still gets mad at me for it. I just don't know what I can do. I'm trying so hard to make things OK until I move out in a few months but I feel really upset with how it's been lately. She's a good mother and I'm pretty sure she's just worried about me but it's hard to deal with this all the time. Any advice?

[DancingFool]

Accept that your mother is exactly the way she is and that she is perfectly happy with the way she is. It may not match your definition of happiness, but it doesn't have to.

 

Having said that, for your own sake and sanity, quit talking to her so much and sharing every bit of your life and thoughts with her. All you are doing is exposing yourself to drama and your mother likes drama. Basically anything you say or do will be turned into drama because that's her thing. So to preserve your sanity and to reduce the drama, you need come up with some boundaries and learn how to keep some information to yourself. For example, no need to discuss with her what you might be thinking, just tell her when you have decided on something. Either way she will go nuts no matter what. It's just that this way you are limiting the amount of it you need to deal with.

 

Also, once you figure out what you want to do or what school to attend, go ahead and get out of the house. Apply to live in dorms and put in real physical distance. Also expect that she will go nuts over that, guilt trip you, whatever. Remember that it's not about you, it's her making herself feel alive. Good news with distance is that you can totally limit just how much you need to tolerate and frankly, with time and physical distance, she will settle down because it's the only option and as long as you continue to keep boundaries and keep most things to yourself, you will have an easier relationship with her.

 

Even if she is only acting out because she is anxious and over protective, it doesn't matter. Still goes back to you need to keep things to yourself more and not keep winding her up with oversharing "I'm thinking maybe this or I'm thinking maybe that". Again, just stick to what's already been decided, hash it out with her and do what you need to do with your life.

[Wiseman2]

It's your choice what career and education path you want to follow. Research what you want to do and take some steps toward whatever education/training that takes. Speak to college counselors.

 

Are you working now? Do you drive or have some income? Consider going away to school to extricate yourself from this power struggle. Get help for the anorexia. As you know eating disorders are about dysfunctional families, control and power struggle not food. You should be in regular counselling and your mother should participate as well.

 

You may not be ready to be in relationships if they are causing a strain or you are dating guys out of rebellion. Stay out of your parents relationship. Do you have any healthy functional family you can talk to or visit more? What about friends, interest, clubs sports, etc.?

I got my AA while in high school so now I'm 18 and I really am not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life what I want to major in and she thinks that I should be sure of what I want to do. I've always had an issue with anorexia.

[Beth66]

Accept that your mother is exactly the way she is and that she is perfectly happy with the way she is. It may not match your definition of happiness, but it doesn't have to.

 

Having said that, for your own sake and sanity, quit talking to her so much and sharing every bit of your life and thoughts with her. All you are doing is exposing yourself to drama and your mother likes drama. Basically anything you say or do will be turned into drama because that's her thing. So to preserve your sanity and to reduce the drama, you need come up with some boundaries and learn how to keep some information to yourself. For example, no need to discuss with her what you might be thinking, just tell her when you have decided on something. Either way she will go nuts no matter what. It's just that this way you are limiting the amount of it you need to deal with.

 

Also, once you figure out what you want to do or what school to attend, go ahead and get out of the house. Apply to live in dorms and put in real physical distance. Also expect that she will go nuts over that, guilt trip you, whatever. Remember that it's not about you, it's her making herself feel alive. Good news with distance is that you can totally limit just how much you need to tolerate and frankly, with time and physical distance, she will settle down because it's the only option and as long as you continue to keep boundaries and keep most things to yourself, you will have an easier relationship with her.

 

Even if she is only acting out because she is anxious and over protective, it doesn't matter. Still goes back to you need to keep things to yourself more and not keep winding her up with oversharing "I'm thinking maybe this or I'm thinking maybe that". Again, just stick to what's already been decided, hash it out with her and do what you need to do with your life.

I know you're right. It's just really hard. Because she brings up all those things so much and gets upset with me so much. We used to be extremely close with an unbreakable bond. I guess it's hard to realize that I'm causing more help than harm by telling her what I think. It's just a habit I'm going to have to break. I guess better sooner than later. And you're absolutely right about leaving home. Once I'm gone I doubt she'll call me to argue with me. There won't be a reason to! Maybe our relationship will be better once I get a little space from her.

[DancingFool]

I know you're right. It's just really hard. Because she brings up all those things so much and gets upset with me so much. We used to be extremely close with an unbreakable bond. I guess it's hard to realize that I'm causing more help than harm by telling her what I think. It's just a habit I'm going to have to break. I guess better sooner than later. And you're absolutely right about leaving home. Once I'm gone I doubt she'll call me to argue with me. There won't be a reason to! Maybe our relationship will be better once I get a little space from her.

 

Don't hold your breath. She will, it's just that will become easier to manage that. Also, if it really is predominantly anxiety driven, then with time and given very strong boundaries and realizing that you are living fine on your own, she will hopefully mellow out a bit so that you can develop more of an adult type friendship with her, rather than all this stress.

 

Just remember that no matter what pressures or fits your mom is pitching, she doesn't get to live your life and she is not going to be the one living with the consequences of bad decisions - you are. So be sure that you make choices that are right for you and stand firmly by them. Do not do things just to try to please others. They do not walk in your shoes and never will. Keep in mind also, that when you are happy with your life, eventually she will be too.

 

The whole getting out of the house, growing up, leaving the house when you have overbearing parents can be a very difficult time and creating healthy boundaries with them is critical. Oh yeah and they totally will resist cutting the apron strings. That part is on you entirely and it must be done for everyone's sanity.