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10 months later and I'm still not over him

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I've made other posts about him months ago but I'll try to briefly summarize our relationship. We're 24, best friends since 15. We've gone through a cycle of one of us falling for the other, someone gets hurt, don't speak for 2 months, repeat until it happens again. It was usually me getting hurt.


Christmas 2015 we agreed to try to date. Things felt off and I voiced this. He told me he had a job offer half way across the country and long distance has never worked for us. We ended it then. No fighting, no bad blood, just some tears and we parted ways. Went into no contact immediately.


Only to find out a month later that he accepted the job offer in our city, he was not leaving, and was travelling abroad with the girl I thought he was sleeping with while we were together. They were dating. What a slap in the face. He's hurt me before but not like this. I deleted him off of everything. He messaged me while he was travelling with her. He messaged me the day he got home. They came into my bar together. She's not from our city and there are 5000000 other places to bring her. I thought this was out of line.


He continued to try to reach out to me multiple times saying he missed me, telling me how beautiful I am, he wanted to be friends again etc etc. If I did choose to respond, I responded with "please stop talking to me." Nothing more, nothing less. In September he came into my bar AGAIN and messaged me "I came to visit, why weren't you working?" This made me very, very angry. I responded telling him I was sick of repeating myself and if he had any respect for me after all of these years to please not come into my bar. After this I didn't get my monthly message of him trying to reconcile. I thought I finally got through to him.


Over the holidays I was a mess. I've tried dating recently but it hasn't gone anywhere. I thought it might help me get over him but I've been down on myself lately and I know I'm very closed off. I've finally realized that I'm still not ready to date.


I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I assumed it was because it was the holidays and I'd get over it, but I didn't and I still haven't. I've thought about him every day since we ended things 10 months ago and now he's almost consuming my thoughts. I feel like I've been taking steps backwards. I don't even know why I still care about him because he's been pretty horrible to me over the years. I know I put him on a pedestal that he doesn't deserve to be on but he was a huge part of my life and this has been the longest we've ever gone without talking to each other.


Well, 2 days ago he requested to follow me on Instagram. And yesterday he came into my bar AGAIN. I just can't seem to win here. It's like he knows I'm weak and thinking about him. I'm assuming it's only a matter of time before he tries to reach out to me again. I'm nervous that I will give in this time because I've been so down on myself lately.


I'm not sure if I was being irrational by asking him not to come into my bar a few months ago. If I was him, I would feel slightly uncomfortable going to somewhere he works but clearly it doesn't seem to bother him. We live in a big city and there are plenty of places to go, even other locations of the bar that I work at are nearby. But it hurts me so badly when he comes in. I think he knows what he's doing and I don't think it's a coincidence that he tried to follow me and then came into my workplace. I feel like I've been that girl who has always been there for him no matter what he's done to me, so he's not used to me constantly ignoring and rejecting his messages. I don't want to be that girl anymore but I can't seem to get over my feelings for him. How do I stay strong? Am I absolutely insane for thinking that he actually cares about/misses me?

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Sorry to hear this. 15-24 are critical years for growth, change, independence, freedom, trying out things, adventure, travel, education/career, etc. people spread their wings and sometimes grow apart and go differnt ways.


It good you are dating again. However you need to go strict no contact and delete and block him from all social media and messaging. That's the only way to heal and move forward. Avoid and ignore him.


Do not make a scene at work, it's weird they choose to go there but if they do, don't make a fuss and just be friendly, chatty and busy with all the other patrons and ignore them, if possible.

I We're 24, best friends since 15. I'm not sure if I was being irrational by asking him not to come into my bar a few months ago.
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Yes, it is insane to think that he actually cares. If he cared, he wouldn't have put you through all this. What he misses is having power over you and the validation he gets whenever you take him back despite his crappy behaviour. Putting up with his breadcrumbs would give him the message that what he has done and is doing to you is OK. Please don't give him that satisfaction ever again. It sounds like you have done a good job defending your boundaries. The fact that he continues randomly testing them should tell you that he has no respect for your feelings. Nothing has changed. Keep up the nc and try to make new friends and take on new hobbies, things that will help you keep your mind busy in a positive way. That guy is still the same inconsiderate jerk. No question about it.

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