From confident to insecure: am I one of those "nice" girls?

[NatalieGon]

Hi everyone.. ok, so this has been my struggle since I was 15.. I am 23 now, a finance master student, I am happy about the way I look, I have awesome friends, great job, loads of interests..in other words, I’m good with attracting guys. HOWEVER, I always manage to loose them.. I have this great boyfriend now, and from him chasing me and trying to impress me on his own, I feel like he’s loosing his motivation. He even said that oh suddenly I felt all these expectation about the “future” from you and that made me doubt everything..he also said, that he’s missing some sort of “gotta have her” feeling.. and thats ALWAYS what happens.. the moment I start to give into the relatonship and believe that this might be something good- I somehow become needy (im not texting all the time or complaining or anything) in some subtle way and that scares guys away.. So, my dear friends, how do you love someone wihtout being needy? how should one be a supportive partner and caring girlfriend, that a guy does indeed wants to see a future with and takes it seriously, without loosing my power? how should I show him my value without starting dating others?

One day he’s surprising me with awesome hotels on New Years…and then the moment I bring future up (cos hell be gone for a bit)- he’s suddenly saying that oh I dont want to waste my time and starts pushing me away..(classic, pressure turns him off instantly)…

 

Please please please, share everything that is on your mind

[j.man]

My spidey senses always tingle when I see people use language like "chasing" and "power." All I see is "inequitable." If I had to take a wild stab in the dark based off the vague context you've given, it sounds like you let the guys do the pursuing, chasing, surprising, etc., and then once you catch hint they might be getting a bit tired from it, you go into emergency / needy mode.

 

A lot of women assume men like a chase. Yes and no. Winning a "prize" is always nice. But there's not much satisfaction beyond that. You can either be a prize for him to "win" or a partner for him to build with. Most often, you can't be both. You should be establishing your worth from the very beginning, just as he, not panicking about how to once the thrill of the chase is over.

 

Again, I'm just going off your language and the fact you note this as a trend. I can't comment on this individual guy.

[Wiseman2]

Try to use dating as the getting to know you phase not the planning the future phase. Don't make someone the center of your universe or strive to be the 'supportive partner and caring girlfriend'.

 

fast forwarding things can be suffocating and off putting, so are threats of dating others and power struggles. Take it slowly and enjoy the dating process without all the wedding angst.

I have this great boyfriend now. He even said that oh suddenly I felt all these expectation about the “future” from you and that made me doubt everything.

[gebaird]

1. Be strong: Stand on your own two feet, as you already seem to be doing. Focus on your job, schooling, friends, and hobbies. Let romance be part of your life, but not your whole life.

2. Be patient: You are young and many twenty-somethings aren't ready for a lot of commitment. Dating guys who are a little older might help. Sometimes you have to go through a few before finding the one for you.

3. Be self-aware: Everyone has some patterns of behavior that need to be changed. Continually examine and adjust any behaviors that aren't working for you. Therapy can accelerate this process (it's not just for the mentally ill).

[DancingFool]

Ever heard of catch and release? If you only focus and date guys who are chasing you hard because you misconstrue that as caring, what you'll actually end up with is a lot of players and burn hot burn out fast kind of guys. In short, not relationship material type people.

 

If you are thinking more lasting relationship, it's not about chasing and playing hard to get, it's more equitable. He does some things, you reciprocate and do some things. It's a bit slower, less exhilarating, but a lot more equal and even. Like he takes you on the first two dates, you plan and organize date three. You both speak your minds about what you like, what you want to do and make plans together after the initial few dates. Healthy lasting relationships are not one sided where one person is doing all the chasing, planning, pursuing, etc, etc, etc while the other person just enjoys the benefits. It does and will get old and the person pulling the whole will get burned out by it.

 

On top of that, yes, once the initial excitement wears off, something else needs to sustain the relationship. Common interests, hobbies, something. At some point the relationship evens out and settles into more normal and something comfortable, whatever that is for the two people OR you both realize that besides the initial excitement there isn't enough there to carry on and so you break up.

[nutbrownhare]

I have this great boyfriend now, and from him chasing me and trying to impress me on his own, I feel like he’s loosing his motivation. He even said that oh suddenly I felt all these expectation about the “future” from you and that made me doubt everything..he also said, that he’s missing some sort of “gotta have her” feeling.. and thats ALWAYS what happens..

 

How should one be a supportive partner and caring girlfriend, that a guy does indeed wants to see a future with and takes it seriously, without loosing my power?

 

How should I show him my value without starting dating others?

 

 

Please please please, share everything that is on your mind

 

This is just a guess, but nowhere here do I see any words along the lines of "like", "affectionate", "friendship" or any of the other emotional bits which cement relationships... it's all about creating an impression and retaining power... and the whole notion of showing him "your value without starting dating others"...eek!

 

Some guys like a chase - as long as the other person keeps their distance. Once that distance starts to close, they'll be off in pursuit of another target. This is not the kind of guy who is going to have a healthy, intimate relationship with anyone; don't waste your time. You shouldn't need to show someone "your value"; we're not talking financial investments or business presentations here!

 

If you're warm, friendly and not worried about playing things cool, this kind of man will not be interested. Good. But the kind of guy you'd potentially have a future with, probably would be. A healthy relationship isn't about power, or impressing the other person, or keeping up an image; it's about being comfortable in your own skin, taking time to share yourself with another person who does likewise, and building something solid. It's not compulsive "gotta have her"... that feeling will never last anyway, and will fade naturally during the course of a relationship.

 

If you're aloof and place your sense of self worth on your projected image or accomplishments - in other words, counting your attributes as if they add value - then this is likely to continue.

 

Ask yourself what makes your current boyfriend great... is it his character, his integrity, his genuine interest in getting to know you as a person, his kindness, your shared interests? All you mention is him chasing you and trying to impress you.

 

There are plenty of guys who would regard making plans for the short term future, because they're going to be away for a bit, as a natural thing to do. Indeed, they'd probably have brought it up before you did.

 

There's an excellent book which I recommend, if you haven't come across it already, called "He's just NOT that into you".

[lostandhurt]

Exactly how long could a chasing period last anyways? The new wears of EVERYTHING so there has to be substance underneath or it was just another shiny object made in China that isn't worth a dime.

 

If it is all chase and no substance each and every guy will be disappointed when they finally "catch you" Try showing some interest earlier so they will get to know YOU and not the shiny object passing by quickly that their instincts tell them to chase.

 

Basically if what you have been doing isn't working perhaps a change is in order.

 

Lost

[NatalieGon]

Ok, just to be clear, by chasing I mean more like pursuing gestures, and I always reciprocated and I always have fun while doing it! Surprising him with his favorite pizza, being there when his brother died etc. I love that! And I thought we had an awesome connection,- he told me that im his best friend, we do fun stuff, we work togehter.. its really really nice. But that's the thing, every time the future thing comes up, he gets soooo cold. And the more I ask about his reaction, the more distant he becomes.. and suddenly from him saying that im his special girl, he does not want to waste my time cos MOST OF THE TIME he doesnt see anything long term (it's been 7months so far).. and his main reason was that the "passion" is missing, it's to comfortable, he knows im there etc. and then all the other excuses come in: im too busy, i need to focus on my job etc.. but then again, when things are good he's incredibly caring and sweet and never lets me down.. So why do I loose my sort of high value standard ? whats the balance between being caring and supportive, but not in a "doormat" kind of way cos that's how I sometimes start to feel.. and then once the fear kicks in, its even worse... Hope that makes sense?

[Wiseman2]

Your "value" didn't change it's just too much, too soon, too fast and insta-relationships can suffocate and fizzle. Also pressing on about the future just a few months of dating sounds anxious and desperate.

 

Basically you are trying too hard. You are trying to be the almost-wife within months of dating rather than laying back an having fun and evaluating things. Wife rehearsals and too much future talk is what is making guys run.

 

Try not to super-saturate guys with all this. It sounds like your voluntary omnipresence is back-firing.

Surprising him with his favorite pizza, being there when his brother died etc. I love that! every time the future thing comes up, he gets soooo cold. And the more I ask about his reaction, the more distant he becomes.. he does not want to waste my time cos MOST OF THE TIME he doesnt see anything long term. it's to comfortable, he knows im there etc.

[nutbrownhare]

Others may disagree, but within my experience it takes around 18 months to two years to know if you've got a keeper... in a healthy relationship, knowing that the other person's there for you, and feeling comfortable in the relationship, is seen as a positive...! There are people of both sexes who want to fast-track relationships, but they often turn out to be commitment-phobes or abusers.

 

Though if you're bringing up the subject of the long term future after only seven months, he probably does feel pressured; all the more so if you then pursue it rather than dropping it. This isn't about you losing your "high value standard", it's about broaching something he isn't ready to discuss yet. This doesn't mean he'll never be ready to discuss it, but he's more likely to back off if you keep pushing; this kind of pressure can be quite scary. My advice to you is to relax and enjoy what you have right now, and let the future take care of itself.

[lostandhurt]

You are just as valuable as you were in the beginning, he just isn't that into you. I am sorry but you shouldn't have to keep trying to attract a guy that you have been dating 7 months. Don't let yourself go and get all comfortable of course but relationships have phases and sometimes new relationships do not make it past the honeymoon phase. That is what has happened here.

 

Time to end it and stop being his special girl and find a guy that knows what he wants and can recognize it when he actually gets it!!!

 

This isn't your fault, feelings change.

I am sorry

Lost

[reinventmyself]

But that's the thing, every time the future thing comes up, he gets soooo cold. And the more I ask about his reaction, the more distant he becomes.. and suddenly from him saying that im his special girl, he does not want to waste my time cos MOST OF THE TIME he doesnt see anything long term (it's been 7months so far)..

 

Am I reading this right? He doesn't see anything long term?

 

You ask him about the future and when he doesn't respond the way you'd hoped, you go on further to challenge his reaction?

 

At 7 mo's my guess is that you have asked this more than once and I can't help but wonder how early in the scheme of things did you start asking.

At 7 mo's I wouldn't pretend to have an answer to someone who's asking me if I see a ` forever after' with them. It's just too soon. . for me (and for him obviously)

 

In an attempt to not blow this out of the water how about you promise your self you will take a step back and allow this marinade for a little while.

Besides, where is the fire?

He doesn't seem nearly invested as you are and maybe he'll get there but not if you have to drag him to do it.

[katrina1980]

 

Be strong: Stand on your own two feet, as you already seem to be doing. Focus on your job, schooling, friends, and hobbies.

 

Let romance be part of your life, but not your whole life.

 

I like this one, in particular. And to add to - be that fun, confident, independent girl he fell so hard for. Don't ever lose that no matter how long you've been dating or even married!

 

Maintain your own interests and hobbies.... and do them! Go out with friends.

 

Don't tolerate any BS. Stand up for yourself, don't be afraid to speak up and "rock the boar" once in awhile, when warranted.

 

That doesn't mean cause unnecessary drama.

 

Just speak your mind when necessary, and don't sweep **** under the rug, trying to "make nice" all the time.

 

Don't ever allow your man to take you for granted or become lazy in the RL ... and don't ever become lazy yourself either.

 

Plan fun exciting things for you to do together. Not your standard stuff, get creative!

 

Sometimes, my ex and I used to meet up at a bar and pretend we didn't know each other.

 

He would buy me a drink from across the bar and then mosey over and proceed to pick me up, as if we never met!

 

This was after like three years dating and one year living together!

 

Super fun, exciting and sexy!

 

Which brings me to... make your life together SEXY! That doesn't mean prancing around in Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie. In fact, DON'T do that.

 

But maybe light some candles, some wine, have a "picnic" on the living room floor! Wearing nothing but his big ole shirt.

 

I am sure y'all can figure out what to do after that!

 

Anyway, there's tons more of course, but hopefully you get the gist.

 

Most important, never lose sight of YOU!!

[Picara]

7 months into dating is too short a time to know if you see something long term or not? I can see that in your early 20s, but at some point, if after dating someone for a few months you just hear that they're not sure, I'd definitely be worried - even if they're being generally decent partners. I'd feel tempted to give them some more time and if they're still unsure, let it go with no hard feelings. Maybe this is more applicable to people in their late 30s who are looking for long term, but surely that's better than sticking around for 2 or 3 years for them to eventually say they don't see it?

[Hollyj]

Ever heard of catch and release? If you only focus and date guys who are chasing you hard because you misconstrue that as caring, what you'll actually end up with is a lot of players and burn hot burn out fast kind of guys. In short, not relationship material type people.

 

If you are thinking more lasting relationship, it's not about chasing and playing hard to get, it's more equitable. He does some things, you reciprocate and do some things. It's a bit slower, less exhilarating, but a lot more equal and even. Like he takes you on the first two dates, you plan and organize date three. You both speak your minds about what you like, what you want to do and make plans together after the initial few dates. Healthy lasting relationships are not one sided where one person is doing all the chasing, planning, pursuing, etc, etc, etc while the other person just enjoys the benefits. It does and will get old and the person pulling the whole will get burned out by it.

 

On top of that, yes, once the initial excitement wears off, something else needs to sustain the relationship. Common interests, hobbies, something. At some point the relationship evens out and settles into more normal and something comfortable, whatever that is for the two people OR you both realize that besides the initial excitement there isn't enough there to carry on and so you break up.

 

I agree! It's sounds like you choose players. I would rethink the type of men you are attracted to.

[Hollyj]

Ok, just to be clear, by chasing I mean more like pursuing gestures, and I always reciprocated and I always have fun while doing it! Surprising him with his favorite pizza, being there when his brother died etc. I love that! And I thought we had an awesome connection,- he told me that im his best friend, we do fun stuff, we work togehter.. its really really nice. But that's the thing, every time the future thing comes up, he gets soooo cold. And the more I ask about his reaction, the more distant he becomes.. and suddenly from him saying that im his special girl, he does not want to waste my time cos MOST OF THE TIME he doesnt see anything long term (it's been 7months so far).. and his main reason was that the "passion" is missing, it's to comfortable, he knows im there etc. and then all the other excuses come in: im too busy, i need to focus on my job etc.. but then again, when things are good he's incredibly caring and sweet and never lets me down.. So why do I loose my sort of high value standard ? whats the balance between being caring and supportive, but not in a "doormat" kind of way cos that's how I sometimes start to feel.. and then once the fear kicks in, its even worse... Hope that makes sense?

 

OP, he told you that he doesn't see YOU as long term. Why are you sticking around?

[Capricorn3]

If someone started the "future talk" with me in the early months of dating, I would be very antsy too and an instant red flag would be waving in my face (and I'm not male, lol). Like the guys, I would be "outta there!".

 

OP, you say this is a pattern in ALL your relationships. Your words, "that's ALWAYS what happens". Clearly you are the common denominator here and now that you know where you go wrong (way too much, too soon, too needy etc), learn from your mistakes. STOP with all the "future talks". Just forget about it. If you're still with the current boyfriend in 2 years time, then you can mention it. But for now, and the next year at least, don't bring up the topic. There is no need to. Enjoy what you have. Don't shoot yourself in the foot (again).

[Hollyj]

OP, What do you mean future talk? What do you say?

[Hollyj]

Personally, at a year, I would to know if we are on the same page. I would not want to waste more time on someone who does not see a future.

[Capricorn3]

Personally, at a year, I would to know if we are on the same page. I would not want to waste more time on someone who does not see a future.

 

One year is a little different to 4 or 5 months (imo). The OP has only been with him for 7 months and she states "every time I mention the future" he clams up, which would imply that she has mentioned it several times in the past (early months) - imo, way way too soon, but that's just me. The key here is that she noticed the pattern .... they all leave. That should tell her something.

[Hollyj]

One year is a little different to 4 or 5 months (imo). The OP has only been with him for 7 months and she states "every time I mention the future" he clams up, which would imply that she has mentioned it several times in the past (early months) - imo, way way too soon, but that's just me. The key here is that she noticed the pattern .... they all leave. That should tell her something.

 

I agree! If someone mentioned marriage at 4 to 5 months, I would think it was odd. I was simply stating that I could not wait around for two years without knowing that my partner and I had the same goals. If we were not seeing future at one year, I would move on.