Woman has walls up, is this really worth it?

[SoundofReason]

So I reconnected with someone last night, and on the spur of the moment asked them out on a date which they accepted.

 

I picked them up and we went to have coffee. We had already been out once like 4 months ago, and the woman confided in me several things.

 

1. She was married to someone for 17 years who took and took and took(she is a giver)

2. She doesn't want to date someone like that anymore, or someone that is immature.

 

We had talked about comic con which she worked at and she said that there were several things that had caused her to put a wall up around me.

 

1. She said that I didn't have my &*^% together. I have a degree (in history) but im not using it. She has a degree in UofP and has a good job at a university in business. I feel like this is unfair, but whatever.

 

2. I didn't know what networking was or how to do it(I am from a small town). She also said that my face lit up when I talked about anime, her ex is into all that and has a bunch of toys, which I don't have nor do I have or own any anime or videogames.

 

3. My washing machine broke down and she offered to have me wash clothes at her place. She told me by then that she had already had made her decision of how I was, but this was the icing on the cake. I told her that things happen and I don't know anyone here. Her excuse was that its been two years....

 

I understand that I have been here two years..but honestly, I feel like this is harsh and not fair on my part.

 

She said that she was willing to pull that wall down and get to know me again. I told her that she was in her right to made a judgement, however, it was a wrong one. She tells me that she doesn't want to get hurt again. I reassured her that I would not do that, but still. Am I wasting my time here already? I mean she has already made a judgement that was NOT true and now is trying to pull down her wall, or should I give her the benefit of the doubt and let her do her thing?

 

We have another date scheduled for tonight...

 

P.S. The conversation got sexual at one point. She told me that she has had sex with people last year and didn't care but now this year is "different". She even showed me a pic with that as her new years resolution. Ok fair enough, when I dropped her off though, and i could be reading too much into this, but she gave me her cheek and just leaned in...

[gebaird]

Dude, was this a date or a job interview? She sounds very judgmental and like kind of a jerk. I don't know that signing up for her "significant other training program" is going to end well for either of you. If the date tonight is similar, don't just walk away -- run.

[JaggerJim]

So she's made a determination partly based on your broken washing machine.

 

She's probably comparing that to being hopeless (for not getting it fixed), she classes that as she'd have to take care of you (in the long run) and she def doesn't want that, and she's classing it as your all over the place because your not using your degree.

 

I say go on date 2 and see if it gets any better. Also let her know the washing machine is getting fixed (even if it isn't) it might turn her on.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but she doesn't sound that into dating or that into you. She seems like a nice friend, but a bit opinionated. Do you work with her? Hopefully you've found a local laundromat or replaced your machine? She doesn't sound interested.

 

What about dating apps if you're 'new' to the area? This way you won't have to "break down walls" and can find women who are more interested in dating and more interested in you...

She doesn't want to date someone like that anymore, or someone that is immature.

1. She said that I didn't have my &*^% together. I have a degree (in history) but im not using it.

2. I didn't know what networking was or how to do it.

3. My washing machine broke down and she offered to have me wash clothes at her place. She told me by then that she had already had made her decision of how I was, but this was the icing on the cake.

[nutbrownhare]

If this were a job interview, I'd be asking myself very seriously if I wanted to work there!

 

Go on another date if you must, but mention that you were labouring under the misapprehension that dating was meant to be fun and lighthearted, not an evening of character assassination. Unless you enjoy being a masochist, let her keep her walls right where they are...

[surfdiva]

Hmmm, what does your gut tell you? I think she sounds very judgemental, the comment about it "being two years already" is pretty rude, IMO. I'd say move on to someone else.

[Scoe141]

I would have dropped her at, "She said that I didn't have my &*^% together."

 

There are plenty of women who won't be as rude. You don't need that garbage.

[katrina1980]

 

She said that she was willing to pull that wall down and get to know me again. I told her that she was in her right to made a judgement, however, it was a wrong one. She tells me that she doesn't want to get hurt again. I reassured her that I would not do that, but still. Am I wasting my time here already? I mean she has already made a judgement that was NOT true and now is trying to pull down her wall, or should I give her the benefit of the doubt and let her do her thing?

 

 

Oh good grief, this reminds me of the thread yesterday created by a guy who was dating a chick who was one of the most controlling, arrogant and condescending chicks I have ever read about on here, or anywhere else!

 

Dude, when a girl (woman?) says these things to you and behaves this way, you don't stick around trying to "reason" with them, defend yourself or reassure them.

 

You pack your things, wish her well and WALK OUT.

 

Then block, delete.

 

Who the hell is she to judge you like that? Because your face lit up when talking about anime? Because your washing machine broke down?

 

Is she for real? Seriously?

 

My guess is had she been into you, none of these things would have mattered to her.

 

Break date tonight (via text is fine).

 

Then get rid.

 

She sounds toxic.

[Clio]

To answer your question, no it is not worth it. You are too different. Why try to fit a square peg into a round hole? She sounds judgemental and exhausting. You are under no obligation to live up to anyone's standards other than your own. You should find someone who can accept you as you are rather than someone who won't accept you unless you jump through hoops.

[browneyedgirl36]

She sounds bitter and judgmental -- like she's been burned and is now finding fault in EVERY picky little thing. UGH. She barely knows you, and she's judging you for not "using" your degree (what does that even mean?) and for not having a working washing machine?

 

See her again if you REALLY like her, but...doesn't sound like there's much to like here. She sounds like a nightmare. And, as I always say here, stuff like this isn't going to get better the longer you're involved with her. It will only get much, much worse. My advice is to move along. There's someone better out there.

[DancingFool]

In your shoes, I'd pass on this one. She doesn't sound like a giver, she sounds like one of those people who offer and do things for you expecting a very high return on investment that they won't even tell you about. When they don't get what they want or as much as they expected, they will become bitterly disappointed and very very nasty and even vindictive about it. So beware of her offers of help.

 

The whole washing machine is just weird. Machines break and it's neither here nor there. Why on earth would she offer for you to come wash your clothes at her place? I mean either you'll get it fixed, get a new one or go to a laundromat. How weird to take it over to hers to wash. Then she also judges you because a machine broke??? It is just.....she has a lose screw somewhere, sorry.

 

Overall she sounds like a very nasty person. I wouldn't even want to be friends with her, let alone date her. Why on earth would you want this kind of negativity in your life? Run, just run. That wasn't a date, it was a torture session. Her rudeness, her judgmental attitudes and wild assumptions are not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of her extremely poor character. Of course her judgments are going to be invariably wrong, because she is going on little to no real information, but that is her personal problem. Don't make it your problem because all you are going to get out of this is more judgments and more erratic nastiness.

[SoundofReason]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for the incredible feedback. She did echo what one poster put on the first page about classifying me as someone she would have to take care of. She told me that she had to do that with her husband and didn't want to have to do it with someone else, which is understandable.

 

We have a date tonight, but im going to play it by ear. IF she texts me, then great, if not, then moving on. Thanks for the advice!

[DancingFool]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for the incredible feedback. She did echo what one poster put on the first page about classifying me as someone she would have to take care of. She told me that she had to do that with her husband and didn't want to have to do it with someone else, which is understandable.

 

We have a date tonight, but im going to play it by ear. IF she texts me, then great, if not, then moving on. Thanks for the advice!

 

Several problems with that. One is she simply doesn't have information to judge either way, but she chooses to judge anyway. Second, even if she thinks so, how appallingly nasty and rude of her to actually say that to your face, among all the other things she said. It really wasn't a date, it was an attack on you. Third, be careful about believing a word she says about her husband. It usually takes two to make or break a marriage and someone who will badmouth their previous relationship to you will also badmouth you to others. When someone is badmouthing their ex like that, what it should tell you is that they aren't taking any responsibility for their role in the problems. Remember that it always takes two to fight.

[nutbrownhare]

She did echo what one poster put on the first page about classifying me as someone she would have to take care of. She told me that she had to do that with her husband and didn't want to have to do it with someone else, which is understandable.

 

What a pompous, controlling ****! She could have said nothing when your washing machine packed up, trusting that you, as an adult with an 'istory degree an' all, would have found some way of doing your laundry. OR, she could have offered to let you use her machine and left it at that. But instead she makes the offer and then tries to make you feel bad about it, using it as an opportunity to big herself up.

 

She sounds a totally insufferable nightmare...!

[Wiseman2]

You're a glutton for punishment, aren't you? Enjoy the date.

She did echo what one poster put on the first page about classifying me as someone she would have to take care of. We have a date tonight, but im going to play it by ear.

[DancingFool]

You're a glutton for punishment, aren't you? Enjoy the date.

 

lol....was thinking the same thing. I wouldn't be waiting on her to text you or whatever, I'd be cancelling the date asap. "Sorry, so sorry something came up." and never speak to her again. The woman's behavior is appalling.

 

Nutbrownhare's signature line very appropriate here : Never wrestle with a pig. If you do, you'll both get filthy; the difference is that the pig will enjoy it!

[ParisPaulette]

I'm sorry, but wow. She's already belittling and criticizing your intelligence, your work history, your education and your interests. And this is just on what, a second date? And do you really want to start something with someone where you'll have to hear the constant refrain: "you sound like/you do/my ex/wah-wah-wah."

 

Personally she sounds snotty as hell, is already displaying controlling and verbally insulting behaviors that will only get worse since if this is her best behavior, I can only imagine her worst (but don't want to really), and has already told you all about the things she feels you're doing wrong.

 

My advice? Break that date on whatever pretext you like, seriously - I give you full permission to text her you forgot that very important thing you had to do, so sorry rain check and all and you'll call her later. And then you block and delete her and you don't look back, because she will suck the life right out of you.

 

P.S. Ten to one her ex-husband was an okay Joe who just finally got tired of it and managed to crawl away with the last bit of self-respect he had left in his body.

[surfdiva]

I'm sorry, but wow. She's already belittling and criticizing your intelligence, your work history, your education and your interests. And this is just on what, a second date? And do you really want to start something with someone where you'll have to hear the constant refrain: "you sound like/you do/my ex/wah-wah-wah."

 

Personally she sounds snotty as hell, is already displaying controlling and verbally insulting behaviors that will only get worse since if this is her best behavior, I can only imagine her worst (but don't want to really), and has already told you all about the things she feels you're doing wrong.

 

My advice? Break that date on whatever pretext you like, seriously - I give you full permission to text her you forgot that very important thing you had to do, so sorry rain check and all and you'll call her later. And then you block and delete her and you don't look back, because she will suck the life right out of you.

 

P.S. Ten to one her ex-husband was an okay Joe who just finally got tired of it and managed to crawl away with the last bit of self-respect he had left in his body.

 

Totally agree with this. I also think you should break the date, why waste your time being belittled by someone so incredibly judgemental and rude, you don't deserve that!

[katrina1980]

Nevermind.....

[Scoe141]

P.S. Ten to one her ex-husband was an okay Joe who just finally got tired of it and managed to crawl away with the last bit of self-respect he had left in his body.

 

Exactly this.

[Sportster2005]

Sounds like a bunch of BS teenage drama to me. Walls hold up ceilings. And if a woman didn't think I had my stuff together I would invite her to find someone else who she felt did.

[faraday]

When I was dating I had a list of things I required in a partner...and having his s**t together was totally on the list. Being able to call a repair guy or fix things himself was on the list (I mean, if your washer broke down a day or two ago, whatever...if it's been more than a week...I'd be skeptical about it actually getting repaired). I don't think using your degree is as important as having a decent job and doing something you're mostly happy doing...but it sounds like she was not into you and finding faults no matter what so...*shrugs*

 

We all come from different places. I had my s**t together from a young age, bought my first place at 19 (when I was single), had my daughter at 24, raised her as a single parent since she was 1....and I had a lot of friends that didn't have it together...I tried dating guys that didn't have it together...and it's frustrating and exhausting.

 

Just take her word for it that you're not in the same place right now. If you try to make it work, she'll feel like she's dating below herself, and you'll feel like she's constantly nagging and trying to change you.

[SoundofReason]

Well im not the handy man type, but i don't think that should be on a list.

 

Anyways, she definitely wasn't dating down. . In my home town, jobs are hard to come by, and she grew up in a huge city of 1 million people, while I grew up in a city of barely 100k. Ifeel like that are more opportunities and connections that she made that I could have ever made back home. The only thing that she had over me, was that she had been at her job for 16 years That's a long time, and she got a degree from the University of Phoenix, in business management. How she ended up working in accounting is beyond me, but maybe she doesn't make as much as she would have me believe, considering that she also lived with roommates.

 

The only thing she probably had was that she made a few dollars more per hour than I did, other than that, it was all equal. Just because she made a terrible dating choice, that shouldn't be my problem, nor will it ever be again. I got rid of her, she wanted to be friends, and I said no to that too. I just felt like I was being used. So I make you feel good, and you like being around me(what she told me in her own words)..but im not good enough to date? Ok, good luck with that. I walked out and I will never go back.

 

I want to thank everyone that took the time to write me. A lot of times, I feel like im the "bad guy" and I empathize with people and the last thing that I want to do is hurt someone's feelings, because let's face it, we have all been there. But the one thing that I have learned, is that she was rude and she should not have been telling me all of these things. Meanwhile, she doesn't have HER S**T together either because she is going to counseling to "find herself". I used to feel bad for people like that(and i still do), but I will no longer date them as all they do is bring you down to their level.

[faraday]

Well im not the handy man type, but i don't think that should be on a list.

 

Anyways, she definitely wasn't dating down. . In my home town, jobs are hard to come by, and she grew up in a huge city of 1 million people, while I grew up in a city of barely 100k. Ifeel like that are more opportunities and connections that she made that I could have ever made back home. The only thing that she had over me, was that she had been at her job for 16 years That's a long time, and she got a degree from the University of Phoenix, in business management. How she ended up working in accounting is beyond me, but maybe she doesn't make as much as she would have me believe, considering that she also lived with roommates.

 

The only thing she probably had was that she made a few dollars more per hour than I did, other than that, it was all equal. Just because she made a terrible dating choice, that shouldn't be my problem, nor will it ever be again. I got rid of her, she wanted to be friends, and I said no to that too. I just felt like I was being used. So I make you feel good, and you like being around me(what she told me in her own words)..but im not good enough to date? Ok, good luck with that. I walked out and I will never go back.

 

I want to thank everyone that took the time to write me. A lot of times, I feel like im the "bad guy" and I empathize with people and the last thing that I want to do is hurt someone's feelings, because let's face it, we have all been there. But the one thing that I have learned, is that she was rude and she should not have been telling me all of these things. Meanwhile, she doesn't have HER S**T together either because she is going to counseling to "find herself". I used to feel bad for people like that(and i still do), but I will no longer date them as all they do is bring you down to their level.

 

Well...actually it's more ahead to be in counselling, than not even know you need counselling...and a large percentage of the population would benefit from counselling/life coaching. It's how you can maximize your potential.

 

People are allowed to put whatever they want on their list. However.,,They might not get it...and the more obscure, and more things on the list, the less likely a person is to meet their match. But people are allowed to wish for whatever they want. Whether it's superficial things like finding someone really in shape, big boobs, has blonde hair...or more practical things like certain spending habits, ability to cook, income requirements, or level of handiness...people have different things that are important to them. And rarely do other peoples lists make any sense to anyone else. But that's okay...we can't be a perfect fit for everyone, right?

 

I had 8 things in my list...and I got them all in my husband. And I ticked every thing on his list. We are a good match on paper (and more importantly off).

 

So when you find out someone isn't a good on paper match...don't get offended, move on. There's no point in getting offended by things out of your control.