My bf of 5 years has potentially recently signed up to online dating

[Anom92]

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. Although we have had our fair share of arguments, we have got through all our problems and are very passionate about each other. He smokes weed with a group of friends on a daily basis and I ask for nothing to do with this side of him but it does affect his mood. He's miserable, doesn't like doing much and can be quite boring. He has also been depressed but doesn't like to talk about it.

 

I moved in with him recently after years of telling me he feels too young to be living with a partner but he finally came round to the idea. His Work phone is left around all the time and one day it popped up with a notification saying he had two new matches on this dating site. I decided to confront him calmly and when he came home he seemed extremely calm and went though his phone and eventually showed me that he had no dating apps on his phone and he couldn't see these notifications anymore. The day after I went on to the dating website and tried to make an account using his email to which it said ' this email is already registered with an account' I confronted him on the phone again and he got stroppy saying he hadn't used that particular email address in years and he has no idea how it happened. Within the next 24 hours he text me saying his FRIEND had set it up the night before as a joke and he was very sorry for the hurt he has caused. I didn't believe this and asked to see the dating website so I could see if it looked like a joke but my boyfriend refused to let me have any details. I also wanted proof that the website had been set up the day his friend was claiming but I wasn't allowed the email account password either. My boyfriend said everything has been deleted now by the friend and the friend didn't know any passwords to get back on. Still not believing this, my boyfriend asked his friend to text me to apologise which he did. His friend claimed it was all a joke and that he had hacked my boyfriends email account by claiming he has forgotten the password and that it just gave him a new one. This story seemed so far fetched and so I spoke to all my girlfriends (most of them happen to have boyfriends who are friends with my boyfriend) and as weeks went on my boyfriend would shout at me saying I should trust him after 5 years and the next minute he would be crying saying he would never do this to me. Finally one of my girlfriends broke the news to me that their boyfriend had told them my boyfriend was involved in the setting up of the profile and that it was purely a 24 Hour confidence boost. I even questioned my friend's bf and he uncomfortably confirmed that my bf had lied to me. In the mean time one of my other girl friends confirmed they'd also been told my bf was lying. After confronting my bf with all this info, he lost his temper with me and was disgusted that I would trust other people over him and claims other people are trying to split us up. This has been going on for 4 weeks and he is still denying he knew anything about the site. My trust has gone and I'm now paranoid about little things. He doesn't leave his Work phone around anymore and hates it when I have bad days and get upset. Despite me breaking up with him a few weeks ago, he hasn't changed his story but says he wants us to work.

 

My bf has never given me any reason to not trust him before and before this happened I thought we were happy. Through our 5 year relationship he had made it clear can I cannot talk to other men and that he has trust issues.

 

Please can someone tell me if I'm being naive or if I need To face facts that he's lying. It's driving me mad but I'm convinced he has lied to me about something.

[j.man]

Why are you caught up on him admitting to it? He left the phone around you. You saw the notifications. It's sounding like you had all day to make sure they were notifications for a dating site, too. It's not like it was a glimpse that could have been anything. Then the details only added up despite his lack of cooperation. Whether it was to hook up or indeed for a confidence boost (plenty of committed people using it for the latter), he was on a dating site. It might be workable if he were willing to be honest and upfront, but if he's not, then you two can't identify and fix the problem. Unfortunately, it's that simple.

 

Frankly, this incident seems like a blip when it comes to the other incompatibilities and problems you too have. Suggest couples counseling if you really feel the need to, but I'd say it's time to stop pushing the car and have it hauled off to the dump.

[MissCanuck]

He's lying. He's pretty bad at it, too; I can't believe he thinks you're dim enough to fall for it. I would be insulted by that.

 

He's also checked out of the relationship. There should no reason ever to sign up for a dating website when one is in a relationship. Not for a "joke" or a "24 confidence-boost" - come on, really?! He's looking for other girls, plain and simple.

 

Sorry, but this one's dead in the water. He got caught and is spinning utterly stupid tales.

[Clio]

This guy can't even make himself happy. What makes you think that you can have a happy life with him? He smokes weed every day. He is unmotivated about life. He is not commited to your relationship after half a DECADE. Investing more years of your life on him doesn't seem like a bright idea...At all.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Do you think he's making up excuses to cover his tracks?

 

It sounds like he was very reluctant to let you move in or have a committed relationship. Did you see that, in addition to his "weed, inertia, being boring and depression", as a red flag?

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you don't trust each other perhaps for good reason. You "broke up a few weeks ago" or just threatened to? Are you still living there?

He smokes weed with a group of friends on a daily basis. He's miserable, doesn't like doing much and can be quite boring. I moved in with him recently after years of telling me he feels too young to be living with a partner but he finally came round to the idea. Despite me breaking up with him a few weeks ago, he hasn't changed his story but says he wants us to work.

[greta96]

Of course he's lying, how is this even a question? He gave you the old "my buddy set me up as a joke" excuse (yes, it's a standard excuse not-so-bright people have used for years to get out of conundrums such as the one you described), and when you kept asking questions he turned it around and served you with the other oldie - if you don't trust me by now blah blah blah.

 

Trust nobody...but yourself. You saw what you saw with your own eyes, hopefully you believe your eyes right? And look at his reaction. I'd say you have enough reasons to *know* that he is lying to you, and intends to cheat.

 

What you do with this info is up to you. I personally don't think a relationship could (or should) be continued after one of the parties is found on a dating site, because nobody goes on those to make friends. The intent is clear and you are fortunate you came across this piece of information when you did. Others are not so lucky.

[Anom92]

Thank you for your response.

 

I think it's because until he admits it, I won't fully believe and when/if he admits it I feel I would be able to leave without regret (as pathetic as that sounds)

[Anom92]

To be honest I just got used to the fact that he was quite a miserable person. I still loved him and we always have a laugh together. I guess I'm just finding it difficult to believe because if there was one thing anyone could give him credit for , it was his loyalty. And the people who are telling me things, I haven't known them for as long as I've been with my bf and I almost feel guilty that I'm taking their word over his. I have to keep reminding myself that I doubted the whole thing before anyone told me anything.

[Anom92]

Wiseman2 I moved out as soon as I found the notification (humiliating as I'd only been there 12 days) and we have since tried to get things back to normal but it's proving difficult. He said to me that he knows one day I'll realise what a mistake I've made and that I should have trusted him.

[IAmFCA]

I have an ex who met his now-gf on tinder while we were together. Why was he on tinder? Who cares.

 

As you said, it was already showing fractures before this. I guess you know what his instincts were. "Let me work to improve our connection" --- um, no. His instincts were to take a relationship vacation with out giving you the courtesy or opportunity to do the same. It really was self centered and selfish, because it made things harder for you.

 

And he is using threats and spite to woo you back? "One day you'll be sorry..." really? I doubt it.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. It wasn't working on so many levels and this dating site drama/stories and lack of truth/trust seems like the final nail in the coffin.

 

Perhaps by staying there 12 days you found out how not-invested he has been in the relationship all along?

I moved out as soon as I found the notification as I'd only been there 12 days and we have since tried to get things back to normal but it's proving difficult.

[shessofly]

Toward the end of your first post you said you broke up with him. Maybe it's best to stay that way.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds like he's unable to cope with feeling more committed to the relationship, and was looking for a bolt-hole. If you've moved out, that pressure has been taken away, and OF COURSE he wants to make it work. But just wait and see what happens if you move back in!

 

This is not someone you should be contemplating a long term relationship with - and that's quite apart from the fact that his daily smoking has acted as a barrier between you and him all along.

 

Tell him you're cool with him being on the dating site, and wish him luck - whoever he meets.

[tattoobunnie]

He's miserable, doesn't like doing much and can be quite boring. He has also been depressed but doesn't like to talk about it.

 

I know you've got 5 years invested in him, but his stock has plummeted, and he's a loser. I have no idea why you want to stay. He is the one who set up the account, then lied about it, and trying to make it out like he's the victim.

 

What a chump. Don't stick with this chump.

 

Not sure he's passionate when he doesn't like to do anything but smoke weed.

 

A man with no confidence is a losing battle.

 

I'm glad you dropped the dead weight.

[Anom92]

I just wish I could stop doubting myself!

 

'What if he is telling the truth'

 

'What if people around me are just causing a stir'

 

But you know what, he could have done so much more to prove his innocence but instead has been trying to get to me emotionally. I guess I'm one of these people that don't like to give up and being quite young (24) I'm scared to leave this 5 year relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

Don't be. You are young, awesome, and beautiful, and he will just keep pulling you down.

 

Think of it this way. So because he was feeling down, are you saying it's cool that he put up a dating profile? Next time he's down, is it okay for him to score a phone number? And the next time he's down, it's okay for him to kiss someone else?

 

It's one thing if he gave you all his info, passwords, and promised to never ever do it again, and how stupid it was, and foolish, but instead, he made it out like you should like lay down like a doormat, and put up it when he's down.

 

His pot smoking is the reason why he's down, and that's not stopping anytime soon. And no only that, he doesn't want to do anything, and he's boring.

 

There are so many awesome fish in the sea.

 

If I were to say, you got to stay together for the rest of your life, but every so often, he would meet up with other women to make himself feel better, and you never traveled together, nor tried any need food for the rest of your life, and just dumped on anything new you wanted to learn or try, while your whole house smelled like weed, and you couldn't get pregnant cuz his sperm was too slow, and no good, would you want to stay? I hope the F-nooooo.

[nutbrownhare]

I guess I'm one of these people that don't like to give up and being quite young (24) I'm scared to leave this 5 year relationship.

 

It's precisely because you're so young, and have so much potential ahead of you, that you SHOULD leave this relationship. You have a really good chance of finding someone who's willing to care for you and being committed to you, without all the complications which can arise when you're looking for a partner later on in life - e.g. ex-spouses, kids etc.

 

But by staying with this loser, you are guaranteeing that won't happen. I get what you say about not liking to give up, but there's a difference between being flighty and superficial, and knowing when to fold. You may find this article interesting:

 

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[JaggerJim]

I don't believe him. He is starting to look around. 5 years is a long time, and people change.

 

It sounds like he is in the beginning stages of looking around for something new. He will always deny everything in the mean-time until one day he just leaves and you'll be kicking yourself for staying.

[Wiseman2]

Well that's what a defense is all about. Creating doubt. Most stories are a blend of some truth and some fabrication. He didn't even want you to move in and 12 days later you're out.

 

Maybe he did crate a profile and let you "discover it", so you'd blow a cork and leave because he's too demotivated from weed to ask you to leave?

 

The possibilities are endless but what you do know is 12 days after you moved in you're out but he still wants to 'work at it'. Maybe he wanted to go back to you have sex, then you go home?

I just wish I could stop doubting myself!

[MissCanuck]

OP, for what reason would other people try to sabotage your relationship? I can't see why these people would lie to you. He, however, has many reasons to lie.

 

The sad reality is that most cheaters will never fully confess. So you can more or less forget about an admission of guilt from him. Heck, he's trying to manipulate you and it's apparently working. You have more than enough evidence to suggest he's checking out other options. I wish I had paid more attention to similar red flags when I started to suspect my long-term ex was cheating.

 

I know you don't want to give up, but girl - he already has.

[Anom92]

Can I just say ... he was lying... his best friend told me and I found other things ... breaking up with him is the best thing I ever did and people should trust their gut! Happy days !