22111991 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Hi everyone, I (26) wrote here a few months ago talking about my bf (32) looking for specific porn actresses and how to deal with it, and thanks to the answers I got I learned to deal with it (although still don't like it). A couple days ago, this matter came to my mind in a bad day and I was so sad. My bf noticed and we talked about it. And throughout this conversation, he mentioned that he doesn't need to look at porn, that he sometimes uses his imagination to masturbate. I was curious about it, and when asking him about what kind of things he likes to imagine, he refused to talk anymore telling me that he doesn't have to tell me anything about his intimacy and that I am going to get more paranoid. And I am. Maybe he fantasizes with girls close to us, or celebrities or don't know what having sex with him and all kind of stuff. Does it mean he wants to f*** other girls? Is it sexy for him fantasizing about having other girls or cheating on me? I understand that we can feel attracted to other people but to that point of masturbating? Is it only imagining the situation what turns him on? I am so confused and depressed, he's so angry and we are thinking of breaking up after 6 years of love and fantastic moments. Is it normal? How can I deal with it one more time? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albie Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Listen, you need to understand the situation here. If watching porn/following pornstars is no go for you then you need to find someone else who is also on the same page as you. Masturbating while watching/imaginating porn doesn't mean anything. That's what guys do. They don't dream about having kids,family, relationship with the pornstar. My concern is why does he have to masturbate when he is a relationship with you? Is he a good man for you an do you have a healthy relationship with each other? Has he ever cheated on you? Do you even trust him? I am sorry to say but at this rate you will push him away from you. You know the man for a long time and this thing shouldn't really bother you anymore. If it does then you need to part ways or else you both will have loads of arguments/emotional stress going forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I disagree with what the poster above says about masturbation. I do think that partly for your well-being as well, that it's healthy for people to gave boundaries. He doesn't have to tell you that much detail,mor any detail really. Personally, I don't wish to know details about this sort of thing with partners I have had - it's just too much information, and I won't share that about myself either. You need to back off or he will feel suffocated. Stop comparing yourself to women in ohitogeaohs please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Bear in mind I've had women who have put me to shame when it comes to raunch, but as a general rule, I like Bill Maher's quote when it comes to male and female fantasies: "Yours bore us and ours offend you." Your boyfriend likely didn't tell you for a couple reasons. For one, it in fact isn't your business unless he wants to make it so. And, for another, he probably didn't want you to look at him like a pervert from that point on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustlovedogs Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Sometimes I fantasize about super sexy actors like Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling. This is NOT equivalent to cheating. It is fundamentally no different than reading a smut novel, watching a Rom Com and getting turned on at the steamy kissing scene, or watching porn. It's all fantasy. You two probably aren't right together, but that doesn't mean you're right. Men and women do this. Many men and women do this. You need to work on your confidence and know when not to probe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Unfortunately continually grilling him about this is not helping you or the relationship. No, masturbating to images is not cheating. Breaking up may be the best solution, however if you date again you may encounter the same problems.Is it sexy for him fantasizing about having other girls or cheating on me? he's so angry and we are thinking of breaking up after 6 years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snoopygal Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I don't think you've learned how to deal with it. I think you want to be ok with it, but you aren't and that's ok too. You guys may not be compatible. As far as him not telling you, is there any answer he could have given you other than "I only ever think about you" that you would have been ok with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 Go find a guy that doesn't look at porn or masturbate and leave this poor guy alone. Given the statistics, I give you a very sincere "good luck with that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 He is not going to stop looking at porn; I doubt he ever stopped. He will just do a better job of hiding it from you. He's not going to share any fantasies with you knowing you can't handle even the basic knowledge that he's indulging in porn. It would just give you more ammo to shame him with. I agree that many people view porn and get off to it, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are going to go out and cheat on you. If this is a deal breaker for you, so be it - but continuing to interrogate him about it is only going to push him away. Months after the initial conversation you had a bad day - because you're still thinking about him watching porn? I think this is not going to work for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22111991 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 My concern is why does he have to masturbate when he is a relationship with you? Is he a good man for you an do you have a healthy relationship with each other? Has he ever cheated on you? Do you even trust him? He is a good man and we have a good sex life, but we are not together all the time and I know he enjoys it. He has never cheated on me and of course I trust him. I just want to stop suffering when imagining him fantasizing about other girls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22111991 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 Unfortunately continually grilling him about this is not helping you or the relationship. No, masturbating to images is not cheating. Breaking up may be the best solution, however if you date again you may encounter the same problems. I know it's my problem, not his. I'm just trying to learn how to deal with this feeling I get whenever I imagine him fantasizing about other girls... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22111991 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 I don't think you've learned how to deal with it. I think you want to be ok with it, but you aren't and that's ok too. You guys may not be compatible. As far as him not telling you, is there any answer he could have given you other than "I only ever think about you" that you would have been ok with? I think you are right, that's why I am trying to find an answer on how to address this problem... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22111991 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 He is not going to stop looking at porn; I doubt he ever stopped. He will just do a better job of hiding it from you. He's not going to share any fantasies with you knowing you can't handle even the basic knowledge that he's indulging in porn. It would just give you more ammo to shame him with. I agree that many people view porn and get off to it, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are going to go out and cheat on you. If this is a deal breaker for you, so be it - but continuing to interrogate him about it is only going to push him away. Months after the initial conversation you had a bad day - because you're still thinking about him watching porn? I think this is not going to work for you. I know I can't keep interrogating him and even that is better not to get more information. I just want to stop feeling this way anytime I imagine him fantasizing about other girls... I can't help it and it's driving me crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 I still think you should break up with him. You might have a hard time finding someone that doesn't actually fantasize about other women ever, but I do think you can find one more discrete and not dumb enough to share his fantasies about other women with you. Yes, it's dumb to tell your woman you fantasize about other women, even if she asks, and frames it up like she's "just curious" and won't hold it against you. It just takes some guys longer than others to figure this out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22111991 Posted January 14, 2017 Author Share Posted January 14, 2017 I don't want him to stop doing whatever he does, mainly because I am starting to see that this is a normal behaviour for many people and that I should not feel like this. I just want to know how to deal with these feelings since they don't let me be and are killing me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 This is not something somebody else can teach you. The best I can say is, rationalize it. Everytime it starts bothering you, say STOP to yourself, he's not doing anything wrong, and put your mind on some other activity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22111991 Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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