I fell for my best friend, could use some advice

[mavaloao]

Yep I'm a fool but I couldn't stop it.

 

About 4 years ago I met this girl at work. When she started she was shy, but she was friendly as well. We would work on the weekends together and talk a little. I can say in the beginning that I did have a crush on her, so I decided to hang around her and getting to know her (Yea I should have seen it coming from this part). From here we got to know each other and I found that we got along quite well. We would goof around to where I would not speak for a whole day, but she would translate my body movements to what I was saying. It was fun. Now I did not push for anything because I found out that she had a boyfriend for about 3 years, but I enjoyed her company and I though that it would be good to just be friends.

 

Moving away from work was different. Since she had a boyfriend, you can understand how he would be protective. So here we would just text for a while and meet up somewhere other than her home. Most of it was hanging out a few hours after work talking or singing in the parking lot, or meeting up at Walmart and just walking around for hours. For her boyfriend, he pretty much thought she was cheating on him. This given that she has only three friends that are all girls (doesn't make friends well), we would get off of work at 1:00 am (so we are hanging out for a few hours after that), and we are texting a lot. So this is his initial view of me if you can see how he would see things.

 

As time goes on things change and they buy a house together. At this time I am just thinking congratulations and nothing else. Well with this house, they are not living at his parents house and she gets a say in things. So now I get to come over(I find out later that this caused a lot of fighting between them). Its here we just relax together, watch marathons, eat takeout, sing, and even nap together (If her boyfriend knew about us sleeping in the same bed, I am pretty sure that I would have been shot by now. The thing is at the time this was strictly platonic, I never tried anything and neither did she. I didn't trust myself though the first time, so I put a pillow between us. The only other contact would be back to back or her feet to my back).

 

When we started to really get to know each other, we would go into our pasts and talk about our secrets. After all of this I still just accepted her as a friend. Well about a year ago things started to change. I was falling for her as I wanted to stay around her all of the time. I don't think anything really triggered it, I just woke up one day thinking it would be nice to have her around all of the time. I started thinking about it though and I knew it was a bad idea to say anything. I pushed myself to believe that I would be happy if things stayed they way they are now.

 

Then more changes came through. Well, they got a security system. This one has a camera on the doorbell and will let you get a message on your phone with a picture of the person at your door. Her boyfriend set it up to go to himself. So every time I would come over he would know when I arrived and when I would leave. This started to become an issue between them as they fought about me again. So instead of staying around all day on a day off, she pushes me out the door after about an hour. I understood why she did it, but then she started avoiding hanging out with me. We can text all we want, just not really visit in the same way. After a talk though I find out how things went about and she reversed the roles after 4 years and understood how her boyfriend felt about me. This is where she said it would be best if I do not come over anymore.

 

At this point things got complicated though as she is being harassed by a stalker who we believe is an Ex of her's. We cannot do anything because there is no evidence, as the harassment is from postal mail that he sends. Because of this she is in a fragile state, where past experiences are coming back to her as well. This is where she wants to stay home because it is a safe place for her. So I cannot get her out of the house, but I cannot go in either. Then this is where I begin to miss the real interaction. I still get to see her on occasion, but it is not where I thought it was going to remain.

 

Now I want to run away because it does hurt. She tells me she can't sleep because of the stress, anxiety, and fear. I want to be able to be there to comfort her, but she won't allow me because her boyfriend is not comfortable with me around. That is her excuse, and it makes me feel so useless. I mean I am useful as I do things talk her out of her suicidal thoughts, but I want to physically be there. Then thinking about it more, I see how she has chosen him over me as well. Even though that may not be the case, it is how I see it. Which hurts even more.

 

The thing is that if I tell her with everything going on right now, It may be too much for her to handle. At they I expect a rejection from it all, in which I will not want to stay around. This leaving her alone, which may not be the best idea. I cannot just leave her without telling her either as she has a right to know as well. Then if we try to be friends after this I expect a distance, an awkwardness, and things will never be the same. I cling onto hope even though she says she is ready to marry her boyfriend. (Forgot to say that over a year ago she found out that he bought her an engagement ring, she saw it and told him she did not like it. They got one together that she would like, but he still hasn't proposed)

 

I want to tell her that I love her for more than a friend but I do not know how I should go about doing it, as well as when I should tell her. That or maybe never tell her and hope that these feelings go away.

 

Input would be greatly appreciated as I really don't know what I am doing.

[gebaird]

I see how she has chosen him over me

 

Intentional or not, this is exactly what has happened. Loving someone you cannot be with is a very difficult position for anyone to be in. With her not leaving the house and you not being able to go there, even a friendship with her is probably very difficult at this point. I think you need to decide what you can emotionally handle. You'll never be able to fully express your romantic feelings for her, it seems. Can you accept what will essentially be a long-distance, one-sided friendship in order to be there for her? What do you get out of this arrangement?

[Clio]

She has a boyfriend and I don't think she would leave him for you. You are in love (or rather limerence) with her. You need to stop contacting her altogether. Treat this like an addiction. She has a boyfriend. She will be fine. You need to break the infatuation and you can't do this while being her friend. Sadly, she needs to be taken out of the picture. Completely. You need to meet and hang out with new people and find new meaning in your life.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but she was cheating right under her bf's nose. Even though she thought of you as and treated you like a male-girlfriend, she clearly overstepped the boundaries.

 

It's incomprehensible that the bf put up with your and her antics. You are not in a relationship with her. Soon the bf will think you're a stalker too, back off. She thinks of you as a male gal-pal, don't be a fool.

 

It would be best to date women who you don't work with and who don't live with their bfs.

For her boyfriend, he pretty much thought she was cheating on him. If her boyfriend knew about us sleeping in the same bed, I am pretty sure that I would have been shot by now. We can text all we want, just not really visit in the same way. she is being harassed by a stalker who we believe is an Ex of her's. I want to be able to be there to comfort her, but she won't allow me because her boyfriend is not comfortable with me around.