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Please help :( No escape - living with the ex


FelixTheCat

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Hi everyone. This is the hardest thing iv ever had to write and il try and keep it short.

 

Me and my (ex) fiancé of 14 years (I'm 32 he's 33) both share a rented house and have a 7 year old son.

 

At Xmas we both amicably decided to split. My heart hasn't been in the relationship for 2 years we have just grown apart and he agreed and said we would defo remain friends. We have about £10,000 of debt and can't afford to live alone in the meantime. We won't tell our son until he finally moves out.

 

Now I asked him if there was anyone he likes, he said yes. A girl who he works with and they basically message each other constantly since we officially broken up. Whereas I'm not in love with my ex, this makes me feel physically sick inside knowing that he is messaging her (which he is allowed to do now he is single) he swears that he has been faithful and that she is just a friend.

 

They are going to the cinema ("as mates") on Saturday and I can't even begin to think how I will feel when he goes. She has just broken up with her bf so she rings him whilst I'm in the house. I got very upset about it and have cried to him 3 days in a row and he thinks I'm being silly. He tells me I need to get over it, that he can do what he wants now and his private life is private. And he is almost begging me to find someone else but I'm not interested in that yet!!! Im not in love with him but is it not normal to feel this gut wrenching pain knowing he seems to have literally taken 3 days to get over our 14 year relationship?! He's on the phone to her downstairs and he says if he sees me getting upset again he will have to find somewhere else to live (which we can't afford to do). I'm so drained, I'm so down and low and I hate that I'm stuck in this house whilst he is going on dates with his new best friend. And now it seems I can't even be upset because he seems fine and is over it.

 

Please help me I feel like I may have an actual breakdown I feel so trapped

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds more like you've decided on an open relationship than a breakup if you are still living together as a couple and dating. Not sure how moving on or dating anyone new could even survive those circumstances.

 

Either end it, move out, breakup for real...or make up and stop the dating games. It sounds like he wants an affair and you are sort of acquiescing to that because neither of you want to find a place to live...or really end it. Why were you together so long supposedly engaged but never married?

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Hi thank you for your reply. We have broken up for real but are trying to keep things normal as possible for our son until we have paid off some debt and can afford to live apart. I hate this situation. I'm in no way dating anyone else or even thinking about it. I hate that he is speaking to this girl but as we have broken up I can't stop him.

 

I just don't know how I'm going to cope with this for a few more months. Will it get easier?

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Well he promised he would stay to pay off some debt as otherwise he would be leaving me and his son homeless. He isn't that cruel and would do that.

 

What is the best way to get over this feeling? Is it jealousy? Even if I'm not in love? I don't want him back but why do I feel like this? So frustrating

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Unfortunately you need time and loads of distance to get over that feeling. But you see him everyday and to top it off, he's going on dates. To get over this, he needs to be out of the picture.

 

You and him need to sort out a Plan B.

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you need to both mutually decide not to see anyone else until he moves out. You both have to agree to this. So what if he likes someone. the child and parenting is more important and so is his commitment to your mutual debts. Another floozy will come along. If the woman has any substance, she'll run away when he finds out he is abandoning a child for her. He really should go sleep on the sofa at a friends if he wants to date. He can still pay down your MUTUAL debt living elsewhere. I would consult an attorney. You need a formal child support and debt/asset agreement for all of this. It is foolish not to. YOu never know, it could wake him up.

 

Honestly, though, if you have a kid - if you were married, marriage has ups and downs and its not always exciting but requires investment on both your parts. He is having his cake and eating it too. He lives with his child, but yet gets to run around. Don't let him have it all.

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What you're going through right now sounds a lot like what my ex wife and I went through six years ago. Reading this brings up so much what we went through at that time. We'd been together for 23 years and have four kids together.

 

We tried to live together, amicably as well and I'll tell you that things got really ugly and surreal. That lasted for about a month before I did whatever it took to get out (get her out).

 

And I know how you feel. How could he move on so quickly after being with you for 14 years? You feel as if it all meant nothing. That you meant nothing to him and he shouid at least be grieving the loss of your relationship.

 

Now he's enjoying the company of someone new. It's all fresh, new and exciting. Like it was when the two of you first got together. It's a great feeling to be wanted in that way again after ending up as room mates.

 

All of this is why, in most circumstances, you can't just go from being in a long term relationship to being friends as if nothing ever happened. You spent a long time with this person It needs to be switched off, like the death of a loved one who is never coming back. In my mind, there's no purgatory or limbo. You're either all in or all out. So make a plan and do whatever it takes to not stay in purgatory for any longer than you need to.

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Thank you so much everyone for the time you took to read my post. I defo think I need to rethink my situation then. I have a lot to acknowledge, telling our son, him finding somewhere else to live (I'm hoping maybe with a friend or family member so he's not paying out too much money and then the extra can be used to pay off debts).

 

We had a little chat and he did seem put out at the thought of me sorting through the house for stuff we don't need to sell, so we can pay the debts and him move out.

 

I think I need to occupy myself without neglecting my son so I'm going to go to the gym 4 times a week now instead of 2. Do some eBaying and sell stuff I don't need etc and go see my friends more.

 

The hardest part is not acting bothered when he's messaging her so I will need to practice my poker face and go do something to take my mind off it.

 

Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you.

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Why do you need to act like you're not bothered? Even if your heart hasn't been in the relationship for some time, it doesn't mean that you didn't care about him or miss what was. It will take time and distance to not feel the way you do right now. Keeping yourself busy, spending time with friends or your son, going to the gym are all good things.

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Get up and start packing boxes and tagging stuff for sale. You need to mean business. Don't sit there and seethe while he figures out how to get laid.

 

Start laying out a plan...not with him, with friends, family, accountants and lawyer for a consultation about custody.

 

When he's there texting his lover, interrupt and start the convo about custody, child support, splitting the joint belongings and so on.

 

You need to be stone cold, don't run and hide. He needs to wake up as well if this is a "breakup" not just a condoned cheating escapade (which it is at this time because you're allowing it)

The hardest part is not acting bothered when he's messaging her so I will need to practice my poker face and go do something to take my mind off it.
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"At Xmas we both amicably decided to split. My heart hasn't been in the relationship for 2 years".

Well, that said, I guess he is entitled to go find another girl. My boyfriend found me about 4 months after he and his ex agreed to split. When the ex found out about me she was not happy. Like you, she didn't love him, and in fact was carrying on an affair, which was the reason for the split. I guess you just feel replaced too quickly. But honestly, if the marriage was dead for 2 years, I can't say I blame the guy. If you can't get out now due to finances, then somehow you will have to get over this. Work on yourself and avoid him as much as possible is the best I can suggest. Good luck, I hope you find happiness again.

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