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Wanted to get back together but changed his mind?


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My ex boyfriend and I broke up a month ago just after our one year. We had a pretty good relationship and spent a lot of time together and was always very happy when we were together, but we would fight while texting. He was stubborn and wouldn't open up about what was bothering him and so was I.. In the last few months I've been going through an enormous amount of family related issues that have really affected my attitude, and during our fights I've said some mean things I obviously didn't mean, but in the heat of the moment i said. He then unexpectedly broke up with me because of our fighting and he felt like I didn't want to be with him and was hurt from what I said. I regret it all so much and I've been working very hard to change how I handle stress and emotions. I'll admit I was devastated by the break up and still am honestly. About 2 weeks ago we began talking again and he told me how much he missed me and would like to get back together eventually. We talked for a couple days and then we ended up hanging out at his house watching a movie (after lots of persuasion on his part) It was a really good time and we talked about everything and I apologized for how I acted and explained why. We just talked and it was great for us both. He told me that he wants to be with me but doesn't know when, it could be a week or it could be a month. I told him I understood and accepted that it will take time. We continued to talk and a couple days after that he told me he is now unsure on what he wants and hasn't gotten over our fights and what I had said. He told me that he wants to be with me but is torn because he doesn't want it to happen again. So he said he wants to be friends because we don't fight that way and that he just wants to "see where things go" I accepted this and since then for about a week and a half we've talked almost all day everyday, which he initiates by sending a good morning text. There has been no fights, almost no flirting and he hasn't brought us up at all and neither have I. For now I'm just going with the flow and seeing what happens I guess, hoping that he'll be able to forgive me and want me back.. I just don't when or if I should bring us up or wait and let him do it? Obviously I want to be with him and will do everything I can to do so but I don't want to have all this hope if it doesn't go anywhere.

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Whatever you do, do NOT have sex with him while he 'decides' whether or not he can forgive you. You're best bet is to let him continue to do the initiating of contact and to refrain from hanging out with you one on one at either of your homes. If he wants to hang out then steer him to going places with you and having fun together rather then making it ambiguous as to whether or not you'll bed him.


If you go to bed with him before he decides if he can/wants to forgive you, then you'll be giving him zero reason to change the fact that he no longer needs to forgive you if you'll give him everything without him having to make up his mind.


What have you been doing that is tangible and you are able to show him that has helped you manage your stress and how you communicate your needs in a more mature and calm manner?

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Unfortunately, it sounds like he's still firm on the breakup and has not gotten over the chronic fights. He can't hang out and hold it over your head, so it sounds like he's stringing you along and giving you false hope to let you down easy.


No contact would be the smartest thing for you rather than try to run over there to get away from stress and conflict at home. Try to find other avenues to get out of the house and reduce stress. Join clubs, groups, sports, go to the library or Starbucks, etc. with friends diversify rather than laser focus on him as the sole solution to family strife.


Buzzing around him will not make him forgive and forget it will only lead to this limbo and fwb at best. Additionally running to him is still not addressing the issues, so they will recur.

He told me that he wants to be with me but doesn't know when, it could be a week or it could be a month.

he told me he is now unsure on what he wants and hasn't gotten over our fights and what I had said.

He told me that he wants to be with me but is torn because he doesn't want it to happen again.

he said he wants to be friends because we don't fight that way and that he just wants to "see where things go" I

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I never got mad when he wouldn't open up, I guess I worded that wrong. I am very private when it comes to the issues going on in my home life, even with him and he would often get upset over this. But he wouldn't tell me that it upset him at the time and I would be stuck guessing why he was upset, making us both upset. Through our relationship we had never fought while in person because there was no stress when we were together and we were able to communicate better too. I guess all of my anger stems from my family and essentially while texting him, I would be too upset to fully understand what he meant and take him too seriously.. Since the break up I've began to take notice of when I'm upset and take a few minutes to just breathe and calm myself down, which has been working so far. I'm working on dealing with my problems and not putting so much stress on myself as I know I cannot control them.

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I think your problems stem from too much texting and not enough talking on the phone.


If your going to get back together, maybe you too should say to each other, if your upset ring me, and we can discuss over the phone or in person, not through texts.


Texts get too lost in translation.

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Cut off contact with him, as he seems to be stringing you along - perhaps not intentionally. He is enjoying the relaxed times together but has recognised that to get back together again would just start the fights all over.


Keep away from him, as to stick around will just set back your healing. As Wiseman2 says, develop other aspects of yourself and stop being so dependent on him.


Meanwhile, work on healthier ways of dealing with your anger and sadness - with a therapist if possible - and learn how to communicate in open, constructive ways. And DON'T use texts to communicate difficult issues; that's a sure-fire recipe for disaster!

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I believe that would be much more effective and will definitely keep that for the possible future. Also to everyone, fwb is not a possibility for either of us as we've never had sex and planned on waiting so I do not believe he would keep me around with that intent at all as he knows where I stand as well.

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I suggest, from your end... NO pressures.


For whatever broke you up-- is it fixed now?? Im sure it hasn't really... in a month., right?


Whatever caused this BU, needs to be dealt with.


Like HE said... he's afraid it'll happen again.


Things take time... so, it'll take time for this mess to calm down.. for both your emotions to clear.. etc.

And time.. for him to think.


If you feel you can NOT be 'friends'... then admit it. I couldn't be friends with an Ex.. unless or until those 'feelings' are gone.

( If this will never be able to move ahead).

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As of now I am just going to go with flow a little bit and continue talking like we have and allow him to initiate contact. I'm not pressuring or forcing any contact or discussions and things have been really good lately and I don't want to pressure his decision and I understand it will take time to build trust and want to get to that level of emotional connection again. While I'm still working on myself.


While arguing (only in the last two or so months) I told him he was being too sensitive and just trying to be opposite of what anyone else thought and just little things like that I guess and putting him down he said... There honestly is no excuse for ever putting him down and I regret it all so much. Overall I feel like I hurt him because I was hurting and I didn't realize it at the moment.. The stress in my house was at such a high point it was incredibly hard to handle on a daily basis. Arguments in my house are never discussed in a healthy matter and often just consist of being verbally degraded which is all I've ever known. But I really am working on changing how I handle arguments and what I say because I most definitely do not want to be like my family.

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Please guys I need advice.. My friends are telling me to not talk to him at all but I want him back so bad and things have been so good talking to him lately. I really think I have a chance with him and things are looking more and more positive


Your decision, of course. But if neither of you changes then, er, nothing changes - and you'll be back into the merry-go-round you were in before. Except that it will probably be worse, and more painful.


To be honest, until you un-learn the unhealthy ways of relating you have picked up from your family you don't stand a chance of having a good relationship with anyone. It takes time, and is a painful process, but you'd be much better advised to look towards your own healing, rather than looking to rekindle a failed and failing relationship.

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