Uncertain relationship situation and don't know what to do about it

[Cuddles]

2 years ago I got to know a new group of friends and a guy caught my attention whom I found attractive and potential. Now and then the group do hang out but he's the only one I hardly talked to whenever he's around. Maybe cos I'm a pretty shy person.

 

Then came to a point where I found out that he will be posted to another state for permanent work.

 

Before he left, he organized a gathering at his place and invited only the group of friends. He texted me for the 1st time and invited me to join.

 

Anyway I went to the gathering and had a good time hanging out with the group of friends. As usual I was shy to talk much with him.

 

A week after the gathering, he started to text me and we had some good and funny conversations. After a while we did meet up for lunch or dinner.

 

We got along well and it felt pretty good. It went on for awhile till one day he mentioned he was cooking up something and would like me to try. At first I thought he was doing another round of gathering session but it was not. So, I went over his place - he cooked for me, we ate, talk and spend time watching movies.

 

This went on for another few weekends and it felt good. One night we were getting closer and ended cuddling and hanging out till wee morning.

 

The following weekend I went over to his place to hang out again. This time we end up kissing but didn't proceed further as it was getting late and it's time for me to head home. The next night we meet up and we ended up kissing and getting intimate. Both of us just stopped in the middle of the process and I asked him if this was just for fun or some sort of hook up because he was leaving here for good soon and I hardly know him. He told me that was not his intention. Then I asked what are we getting ourselves into then? He said he's posted to another state and we will be far apart and things will not be easy. He has a point and I've never tried LDR before and not sure how things would go. I don't know what else to say, so the topic just ended there. Shortly after that I left his place to head home as it was getting late.

 

On the last weekend before he flew off, he asked me out and we ended up hanging out at his place. We got close and ended up sleeping together for the first time. The next day we went out for lunch and he told me he'll give me his house keys to keep. I was shocked and asked if he needed help to look after his place while he's away. He said no, just wanted me to keep it. As we left the restaurant, he held my hands in public for the 1st time.

 

Then the next day I sent him off to airport and we kissed goodbye. We continued to text and kept in touch.

 

A month later he came back and ask me if I wanted to meet up. I was surprised he was back for a short so called business trip so soon. Thinking he'll won't be back so soon, maybe only a few months once. We did meet up and it felt so natural as though we were in a relationship except I actually don't know what's going on.

 

For the next few months, he came back for a few days to a week every month. We would usually meet up when he's back, for a day or two if time permits.

 

One of the meet up, I asked him what was going on between us, whether this was some casual thing, hook up, no strings attached etc. He can't answer if it was any that I mentioned or define what is going on between us. He told me he dated many in the past years and couldn't fine the right one. There were potential ones but they end up not making it. Meaning you don't want to have any relationship at the moment? He said no, he can give a relationship. I was puzzled by that and dont know what to response. I told him that I'm no expert in relationships too as I've date quite a few before and as well and the longest was 10 years relationship.

 

So I thought to myself probably he was feeling reserved, protective and does not want to jump into a relationship at the moment. At the same time I was quite upset cos I couldn't get a firm answer from him about our situation. I told him it was better to return his keys and I gave him back his keys and left his place as it was getting late.

 

The next time he's back, he asked me out and I went cos I do like him, felt happy and comfortable hanging out with him even though I was still quite upset not knowing actually what was going on between both of us.

 

We had a good night talking, cuddling and watching movie together and I stayed over. Before I left for work the next morning, he put his keys in my hand and told me to keep it. I don't what to react and left as I was in the hurry.

 

After that we continued meeting up everytime when he's back. This situation has been going on for a year now.

 

As times flies, we got more comfortable and got to know each other bit better when ever we meet except that we never talk about anything serious or relationship matters.

 

I've never experience this type of relationship before and don't fancy to date in such manner. I only know how to fall in love. I like him and I'm worried that I will fall further if this relationship goes on. I don't want to ask him again as I'm worried it will be the same answer as before. And I've never mentioned I like him either.

 

No one knows about this. Not even the group of friends ever suspected anything as both of us will act as usual as tho we hardly know each other whenever the group hang out.

 

At times I feel I shouldn't not waste anymore time and find a person who wants to have a real relationship. However so far he's a nice guy but I don't know what is this - affair? FWB? What should I do?

[gebaird]

It sounds like FWB to me, and although it sounds enjoyable when he is in town, this situation seems to have you feeling confused and unhappy overall. His refusal to really define things is a bad sign. How do you know he doesn't have someone else in his new state?

 

I would consider an ultimatum -- either he decides to date you exclusively or the sex stops.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he likes you but does not want to be tied down to a committed relationship. What do you want?

This time we end up kissing but didn't proceed further as it was getting late and it's time for me to head home. The next night we meet up and we ended up kissing and getting intimate. On the last weekend We got close and ended up sleeping together for the first time. I've never experience this type of relationship before and don't fancy to date in such manner.

[Clio]

You don't like the ambiguity so why stay? From the sound of it he doesn't want a committed relationship. Either way, you need to communicate clearly what you want of him and if the ambiguity persists then leave.

[Cuddles]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and appreciate for the advices given.

 

Indeed it does feel like FWB and confusing. I want to have a real relationship with him but his refusal to define it is indeed a bad sign.

 

I must have been ignorant and fooling myself thinking that things will change over time.

 

The next time he's back, I'll talk to him and if the ambiguity persists then it's time for me to let this go and not waste anymore time.