Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Because my son is 19 he needs to phone our general practitioner so he can get a referral to a developmental paediatrician here in my local area. The developmental ped also looks after adults with developmental disabilities. My son needs that developmental paediatrician to fill out a government form so he can get disability tax credit and a certificate number so he can get an RDSP. ( retirement investment for the disabled.) Right now he does not " see the need." I would also have coach him how to make that call. Help!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gebaird Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Does he live with you? Do you support him or pay a portion of his expenses? He is a legal adult and entitled to make his own choices, but so are you -- and you don't have to keep providing for his needs if he isn't going to be smart about asking for the help he requires. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Does he live with you? Do you support him or pay a portion of his expenses? He is a legal adult and entitled to make his own choices, but so are you -- and you don't have to keep providing for his needs if he isn't going to be smart about asking for the help he requires. He lives with us,yes and pays a small portion of his expenses. However, due to the fact he is on disability he is not entitled to save for his retirement without this certificate number. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I would never ever turn him out. He will likely be with us for life. He is going to college though to make his like better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gebaird Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Is there something he would really enjoy that you might be able to bribe him with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Can you make the call and the appt. at the pediatrician, then he can take it from there? That may avert this power struggle.Because my son is 19 he needs to phone our general practitioner so he can get a referral to a developmental paediatrician here in my local area. Right now he does not " see the need." I would also have coach him how to make that call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I know no 19 year old really understands the concept of retirement and save for it. He doesn't see it as a priority and I am trying to get him there. The bribe factor might be low just after Christmas but I can try. We have been told he will probably never work because it will cause anxiety that is too great. Intellectually he gets things.... processing time exceedingly slow. They said he could be independent by 40 or so. His life skills very poor. He was not identified as autistic until 17 and he did not qualify for an program as he is " not disabled enough." There are no adult programs for autistics. He will not submit to ANYTHING that he feels someone is using to make him non autistic. He goes bat crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Can you make the call and the appt. at the pediatrician, then he can take it from there? That may avert this power struggle. No, he is a consulting ped. We need a referral. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Well this isn't helpful but if it makes you feel any better 19 year olds all over the spectrum of neurological diversity have trouble planning for the future. I drove my parents crazy by never renewing my car tags. He's lucky to have such a caring Mom looking out for him and his future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Well this isn't helpful but if it makes you feel any better 19 year olds all over the spectrum of neurological diversity have trouble planning for the future. I drove my parents crazy by never renewing my car tags. He's lucky to have such a caring Mom looking out for him and his future. Absolutely they do. Their planning is very poor due to the lack of executive function. Are you neuro diverse, Rosephase? Yes, we both love him to bits. ❤ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Socially speaking he is 13-15. Chronologically he is 19. So we have hit the phase of teenage power struggles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Absolutely they do. Their planning is very poor due to the lack of executive function. Are you neuro diverse, Rosephase? Yes, we both love him to bits. ❤ I'm severely dyslexic. Something that would be a lot clearer if spell check wasn't so pervasive now. While dyslexia isn't considered on the autism spectrum it is part of neuro diversity. Like your son, I was very lucky to have a supportive family that helped me fill in the gaps that come from a ridged school system. And like your son I leaned on my parents a lot to help with big overwhelming hard to understand adult stuff (like taxes, medical coverage, retirement plans, ect) long after I became a legal adult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Because my son is 19 he needs to phone our general practitioner so he can get a referral to a developmental paediatrician here in my local area. The developmental ped also looks after adults with developmental disabilities. My son needs that developmental paediatrician to fill out a government form so he can get disability tax credit and a certificate number so he can get an RDSP. ( retirement investment for the disabled.) Right now he does not " see the need." I would also have coach him how to make that call. Help!!! Can you set this up as if you both are on the same side (because you are) and engage with him as if you don't already knownthe answer? "Oh, interesting. Tell me more about that." Or, can you set it up as something you need him to do for you, since it is your money that fills the gaps, and this benefit would make those gaps smaller? So now he is helping you instead of having to do one disability thing to help himself, which may grow tiresome? I have very little executive function. Asking me to call people has multiple effects. I know its easy, i dont know if I will do it, and I know its easy. I neither forget or execute. It becomes baggage that clouds my thinking. This makes me also wonder if he is helping YOU, does that give you the ability to do more of the research, tracking of phone number, name, and outcome, forms etc. All he has to do is be on the phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Can you set this up as if you both are on the same side (because you are) and engage with him as if you don't already knownthe answer? "Oh, interesting. Tell me more about that." Or, can you set it up as something you need him to do for you, since it is your money that fills the gaps, and this benefit would make those gaps smaller? So now he is helping you instead of having to do one disability thing to help himself, which may grow tiresome? I have very little executive function. Asking me to call people has multiple effects. I know its easy, i dont know if I will do it, and I know its easy. I neither forget or execute. It becomes baggage that clouds my thinking. This makes me also wonder if he is helping YOU, does that give you the ability to do more of the research, tracking of phone number, name, and outcome, forms etc. All he has to do is be on the phone. Oh I have all the numbers. He would not even know what to say I would have to coach him as to what to say. It may take several tries at the call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I would let him be an adult and suffer his own consequences. maybe when he's farther into his 20s he will see the need. its far too abstract, even for a nuerotypical 19 year old who thinks they will live forever and be a millionaire soon. if you have an elderly neighbor who is struggling and he doesn't understand because they have worked all their life, you can tell them that the elderly neighbor saved money, but they couldn't save enough because they didn't open a retirement account. I would table this until after college. A year won't make a huge difference and if you push him and push, the less likely he is to do it. Let him close one chapter and when he starts to work at a job that he can manage and the topic comes up again out of someone else's mouth, revisit it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Or, can you set it up as something you need him to do for you, since it is your money that fills the gaps, and this benefit would make those gaps smaller? So now he is helping you instead of having to do one disability thing to help himself, which may grow tiresome? You don't want to create a codependent situation, though, where he feels responsible for his folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I would let him be an adult and suffer his own consequences. maybe when he's farther into his 20s he will see the need. its far too abstract, even for a nuerotypical 19 year old who thinks they will live forever and be a millionaire soon. if you have an elderly neighbor who is struggling and he doesn't understand because they have worked all their life, you can tell them that the elderly neighbor saved money, but they couldn't save enough because they didn't open a retirement account. I would table this until after college. A year won't make a huge difference and if you push him and push, the less likely he is to do it. Let him close one chapter and when he starts to work at a job that he can manage and the topic comes up again out of someone else's mouth, revisit it. We don't have an old neighbours( military base) in fact everyone is younger than us. However, he has one set of grandparents who lost everything ( my mom and step dad) due to a jerk money investor. And the other set my inlaws who can do anything they like due to a good pension plan. He will be a few years finishing college . On average he's taking two years to finish a year . So it may take him six years to finish a three-year program . But yes he will still be young . Absolutely no 19 year old whether neurotypical or not typical can envision retirement . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I would let him be an adult and suffer his own consequences. maybe when he's farther into his 20s he will see the need. its far too abstract, even for a nuerotypical 19 year old who thinks they will live forever and be a millionaire soon. if you have an elderly neighbor who is struggling and he doesn't understand because they have worked all their life, you can tell them that the elderly neighbor saved money, but they couldn't save enough because they didn't open a retirement account. I would table this until after college. A year won't make a huge difference and if you push him and push, the less likely he is to do it. Let him close one chapter and when he starts to work at a job that he can manage and the topic comes up again out of someone else's mouth, revisit it. I disagree. I was raised by very loving parents who admitted they hadn't a clue so they gave up trying to guide me. Letting someone learn on his or her own is messy, expensive, and potentially dangerous. If I ticked off a list of my experiences in total, which no one person knows, many people would be sad/horrified/overwhelmed. Of my own doing, mind you. Its passive aggressive. Its a cop out. Better: figure it out, as Vic is doing here. Practice thought patterns until you find the logic that enourages a wayward sheep to follow. If someone doesn't have the skills, better to find ways to help model the thinking and behavior that is required, break the task into steps, and share the appropriate amount of responsibility. That is fair, and hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Or, can you set it up as something you need him to do for you, since it is your money that fills the gaps, and this benefit would make those gaps smaller? So now he is helping you instead of having to do one disability thing to help himself, which may grow tiresome? You don't want to create a codependent situation, though, where he feels responsible for his folks. True. Maybe it is couched as his financial contribution? Earlier i thought, make it a game. Us against the Health System. They have a rule about 19, even as the topic is about people with different skills sets than typical for a 19 year old. Lets play their game, win free money. If someone were giving away money, would you turn away? Well they are, and this is how we get it. I will do the asking except on the phone, YOU have to do the asking.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Oh I have all the numbers. He would not even know what to say I would have to coach him as to what to say. It may take several tries at the call. Yes, i understand. I am thinking of ways to encourage his participation... to let him talk it out until he sees it as easy money. As opposed to having to see himself as needy and therefore of course he says there is no need -- who wants to be needy? Or to see it as a way he can pitch in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Yes, i understand. I am thinking of ways to encourage his participation... to let him talk it out until he sees it as easy money. As opposed to having to see himself as needy and therefore of course he says there is no need -- who wants to be needy? Or to see it as a way he can pitch in Absolutely, he does not want to be needy. He has never wanted to be. As his mom I want him to get what he deserves. Everyone deserves money to live on and retirement. I want him to have security and stability when I pass on . I have thought of a way he can work though. He did really well in a course on how to make iOS and android games . He could do that for money. He is giving that fair thought . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Good for him! I can admire his stubborn stance. It has a certain purity. "Let me get this straight. If I agree to call myself broken, you will pay me? Well, Sir, I'm afraid I can't do that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 He does have his pride for sure. Both of his families have a lot of pride in hardwork. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Absolutely, he does not want to be needy. He has never wanted to be. As his mom I want him to get what he deserves. Everyone deserves money to live on and retirement. I want him to have security and stability when I pass on . I have thought of a way he can work though. He did really well in a course on how to make iOS and android games . He could do that for money. He is giving that fair thought . You have to put the mothering in you aside right now. it is possible you are coming across to him as a nagging mom or its coming across the line as static. This is not life or death right now. Don't trick or bribe. let it go. Is there literature about this issue available that is written in a less technical manner that people who are not into legalese, etc, can easily understand? Have it available in the house - but don't push it on him. When he is ready - and that could be a couple years - he will ask about it or the conversation can be brought up in an organic way when he makes the cue. It may be a year. It may be five. And in 5 its still okay. If he is socially 13-15, he will mature - but with social anxiety. He will get to the point that although financial stuff might overwhem him - he will know that he needs it and needs help with it. I know what I need financially and legally, but now know when to say "please help me" if the actual steps overwhelm me or become the nebulous cloud. His issue isn't his social development level - its abstract thinking. I know engineers who have the social skills of a wet sponge, yet they balance a checkbook, invest money, and do all those things brillantly. So approach it from that way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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