Please help! Ive messed up a chance of happiness & need advice...

[Storm1979]

Help i need some advice here, ideally from a girls perspective as i kinda know what most guys would do!

 

16yrs ago i met a girl at work & we instantly got on & were attracted to each other but neither of us actually did anything about it at the time. Since then we have always been great friends with that under current between us. Eventually it got physical between us but we were both in a difficult situation coming out of difficult relationships. We again stayed as friends but with that under current again, we have both had a marriage, hers broke up 18months ago & mine 8months ago, mine was doubly difficuly as it co-incided with a business failure also. It took me to a dark dark place, & a suicide attempt. She helped me to get better, she did the most amazing job, nothing that needed to be spectacular but was the bestest friend, confidant that i couldve wished for, she had made it plain as day how she felt, over the course of time she has told me she was in love with me & wanted to be with me.

 

For whatever reason i have pushed her away, when all i want is her. She recently told me she had met a guy she worked with for a coffee, she told because she said it felt like she was cheating on me & felt guilty. Me being the macho idiot said well dont feel guilty, im not your keeper etc why...because i was dying inside. She said she wasnt going meet again as she wanted to be with me & wanted to support me in getting back on my feet. She has two fantastic kids who i adore, i also have a child who is my world along with this girl. Trouble is i pushed her too him by saying you should see where it goes with him, all i wanted was for her to say no, but she went anyway & now they are in a relationship since Christmas.

 

It turns out all she wanted was for me to say no, please dont meet this guy & she says she wouldnt have met him again as its me she wants & loves. But no she says its too late as things have moved on with her guy & although it wasnt planned he has met her kids & she says hes done nothing to deserve being treated like this as hes been great with her & is a nice guy which im sure he is however...

 

Last night we met as we both want to salvage our friendship & she says she cant not have me in her life after all this time, i asked her again to be honest about her feelings, she said shes absolutely totally in love with me & wants me but i pushed her away & now she cant upset this guy for the above reasons. I took a chance & asked her to take my hand & think about it, it might be our only opportunity to actually be together, but she said she had pushed her feelings away as she thought i wasnt interested, when nothing could be further from the truth.

 

The other gutting thing is she has told her new fella that we are mates but also that i have now admitted my feelings & that she loves me but that i pushed her away. He has said doesnt matter that she loves me, so he even knows hes second choice etc

 

What do i do, not only do i appear to have lost the woman i love through being so stupid & dumb but also my absolute best friend, do i back off & let her be, knowing she loves me or do i stand & fight for her & risk losing everything.....help.....im such a .

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, it sounds like she's using this guy to punish you. She's the one who played games and chose to stick with this guy she initially used to manipulate you.

[gebaird]

I think you've done all you can do at the moment. You expressed your feelings, you invited her to choose you, and she declined.

 

The mistake you made was probably motivated by your own emotional struggles (dealing with a divorce and business failure). Focus on your own healing. Everyone misses an opportunity sometimes, but it does no good to dwell on it.

 

Learn to be more assertive and direct in your communications. Understand the benefits of vulnerability. It's only failure if you fail to learn from your mistakes.

[sunshinefm]

Im sorry to hear this, but this truly is a blessing in disguise. You two are obviously not meant to be with each other. She is just as much in the wrong as you believe you are. It is almost comical how we always blame the other person or ourselves, when a relationship is between BOTH people. TWO people create the relationship, so though you may feel it is your fault and you pushed her away, she is just as wrong for being with that guy and manipulating you (she sounds childish and immature). You will find someone you love again as much as you love her now. You have to move on and think about how many women out there wouldnt be as childish as she is, and love you for you.