cthorne Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 So, I found out this morning that my husband of 3 years cheated on me. I got a random message from some guy I didn't even know telling me that my husband was into boxing and met up with his wife at a hotel near our home, also gave me a date. At first I was somewhat questioning why this guy was messaging me, I then asked him if he was sure that he was talking to the right person, to which he replied and informed me that his wife told him that my husband and her got together. I asked my husband if he knew of this woman, to which he replied he did and that it was one of the kids friends mother. I asked him point blank if this happened, at first he was mad that I asked, and then he admitted to it. I couldn't speak to him anymore at that moment so I hung up on him. He kept texting me telling me how he loved me, how sorry he was, and to forgive him. I did not respond. Later in the day I finally got myself together and asked him how long this had been going on and if there was anyone else, he stated that they had gotten together a couple times, and no she was the only one (like that makes a difference, but I did ask). He preceded to tell me that there is more to the story and this person is now pregnant and does not know if it is her husband's or mine. Fast forward to later in the evening, my husband informs me that this female and her husband are going to try to work things out and her husband wants her to keep this baby regardless who the father is, they want to act like this never happened. I have so many emotions running through me right now I honestly do not know what to do. Link to comment
gebaird Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Oh, I'm so sorry. What a nightmare. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. You did not do anything to deserve this. It didn't happen because you aren't "enough." It happened because your husband is an arse. I wouldn't take any action right away. Don't forgive him, don't make any promises, and don't leave him. Just try to process the enormity of what you are feeling. Give it a few days before you make any decisions -- especially ones that can't be taken back. Some couples can stay together and rebuild trust. It can take years, and in many ways it's the most difficult of your options. Most people would probably tell you to walk away. If that's what your heart is saying, then it may be the right course of action for you. But don't do it just because others have said it's best. Only do it if you're fully committed to walking away and never looking back. The worst possible option is to tell him you've forgiven him but not actually mean it. This is a common dynamic in a cheating situation, when the wronged partner continues to resent the other person. It drives a wedge between two people and the relationship often ends down the road because of the cheating. Right now you probably feel like your insides have been tossed in a blender. Everything about your marriage--and even your life--feels like a lie. You're sad, mad, broken and confused. But if you look deep enough, the answers will come. You'll have moments of clarity and peace when you'll know what to do. Listen to your intuition, and trust that healing is possible. For now, just allow yourself to grieve. Hugs. Link to comment
leseine7 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I am so sorry this happened to you. It's surreal and horrible, but you will get through it. I recommend you find a counsellor immediately to help you digest all of this information and make a decision that is right for you. Has your husband told you what he would like to do next - work things out, see a therapist, split up, etc? No one here can tell you what decision you need to make - some people consider cheating an immediate deal breaker and the end to marriage, while others are willing to work things out. My mother had a 6 year long affair with a family friend and my father, when she confessed, decided he would rather work it out in therapy than divorce. they are still together and it's been 3 years since that all came out. But they struggle often and I doubt they'll ever be truly happy or that he will ever trust her again. Still, I respect that he made a decision and committed to it. So take your time, but I do think getting space from the situation is vital right now, and the wife being pregnant is a killer. That, for me, would be unbearable - I would always wonder. Sending you lots of strength. Link to comment
thekid55 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Wow, what a mess. In sticky situations, I abide by one simple notion: Be true to yourself. By the tone of your post, cheating is not okay with you. Ultimately, Can you forgive a cheating spouse? Some people can, some people can't. My mother wasn't able to, so she and my dad got divorced. A friend forgave their spouse for cheating. Everyone is different. Trust is an obviously an issue now and that's something you havta consider Link to comment
cthorne Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I am so sorry this happened to you. It's surreal and horrible, but you will get through it. I recommend you find a counsellor immediately to help you digest all of this information and make a decision that is right for you. Has your husband told you what he would like to do next - work things out, see a therapist, split up, etc? No one here can tell you what decision you need to make - some people consider cheating an immediate deal breaker and the end to marriage, while others are willing to work things out. My mother had a 6 year long affair with a family friend and my father, when she confessed, decided he would rather work it out in therapy than divorce. they are still together and it's been 3 years since that all came out. But they struggle often and I doubt they'll ever be truly happy or that he will ever trust her again. Still, I respect that he made a decision and committed to it. So take your time, but I do think getting space from the situation is vital right now, and the wife being pregnant is a killer. That, for me, would be unbearable - I would always wonder. Sending you lots of strength. He asked me to forgive him, and not to leave him. He wants to work things out. Link to comment
cthorne Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Wow, what a mess. In sticky situations, I abide by one simple notion: Be true to yourself. By the tone of your post, cheating is not okay with you. Ultimately, Can you forgive a cheating spouse? Some people can, some people can't. My mother wasn't able to, so she and my dad got divorced. A friend forgave their spouse for cheating. Everyone is different. Trust is an obviously an issue now and that's something you havta consider I honestly am not sure. I always said that I would leave if anything like that ever happened, but it has never happened to me before. I thought that I would be much angrier, but I'm kinda numb about it. I think I am string enough to get passed the initial cheating, and the trust issues would definitely take time. I can't fathom being touched at all right now, makes me cringe. But with that being said, I'm not so sure I can get over the whole pregnancy thing. And the biggest reason for me right now is this... this is the second marriage for both of us, he already has 3 kids from his previous marriage, I do not have any. We have been together for 5 years, married 3. We started trying to have kids ourselves after the first year we were together, and I am unable to have them. So for me that sting is magnified. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I'm so sorry this happened. I agree with thekidd, some people can get through it and others can't. You don't have to decide anything immediately. You can take time and really get a hold of your emotions and decide what is right for you. I think talking with a counselor or therapist would be best for you. They can help you understand and work through all of this. Link to comment
thekid55 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I honestly am not sure. I always said that I would leave if anything like that ever happened, but it has never happened to me before. I thought that I would be much angrier, but I'm kinda numb about it. I think I am string enough to get passed the initial cheating, and the trust issues would definitely take time. I can't fathom being touched at all right now, makes me cringe. But with that being said, I'm not so sure I can get over the whole pregnancy thing. And the biggest reason for me right now is this... this is the second marriage for both of us, he already has 3 kids from his previous marriage, I do not have any. We have been together for 5 years, married 3. We started trying to have kids ourselves after the first year we were together, and I am unable to have them. So for me that sting is magnified. Sorry you are going through all of this. I truly mean that! Whenever I'm faced with a hard choice, I think to myself (and write down): What are the worst possible outcomes if I go with Choice A or Choice B? Choice A (forgiving him)---Worst Possible Outcome--He continues this behavior with multiple women and has different kids running all over town. He tries to justify himself to you by saying 'I promise I will stop!'. Once you choose to forgive him, you are subconsciously investing more into his as a partner. This becomes a slippery slope... Choice B (you leave him)--Worst Possible Outcome--'Guilt' will control you for a little awhile since this is someone you've spent 5 years with. That 'guilt' will dissipate once you find someone better. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Perhaps to create some clarity and distance, ask him to stay with friends or family until you have time to digest and process this and get past the shock stage so you can make an informed choice. After sessions with a therapist for yourself and a consultation with an attorney to review what options there are for divorcing, invite him to talk and tell him it's either marriage therapy or divorce. A free pass with 'forgiving' almost ensures a repeat. Also try to look down the road at trust issues and if you want to deal with that. I always said that I would leave if anything like that ever happened, but it has never happened to me before. I thought that I would be much angrier, but I'm kinda numb about it. Link to comment
Lester Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Just a footnote to what has already been said: "...they want to act like this never happened." - A baby makes that impossible. I don't like what I smell here! See an attorney asap! Link to comment
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