Green Eyed Depression

[Luu]

Hi guys, I need some advice and stumbled upon this page.

Right, here goes. This October im meant to be marrying my fiance with whom ive been friends with over 10 years, its a great relationship even with me having anxiety and depression and various medical conditions, the problem is that I feel I cant completely trust him... He tells small stupid lies all the time but i absolutely hate lies of any kind and there are times i wonder exactly what else he lies about and it drives me mad. When we first got together (he sent me a message with "you know ive been in love with you for years......) as i was moving away to which i told him i didnt know but felt the same way, he was seeing another girl, he says he "picked me" but im not convinced and think she maybe dumped him and thats why we ended up together...it sounds terrible to say that but everytime he tells me the story it varies... Ive never been a jealous girlfriend ever but he doesnt stand up for me if someone slags me off even when he knows they are wrong, he messages loads of girls that are just friends but hes slept with a lot of them in the past or they dated etc, ive always been friends with exs too but i know a lot of them still have a thing for him but he just brushes it off when i tell him. I also know all of his exs as we have always been in the same social groups and it drives me mad knowing everthing about their relationships, it just makes me insecure... It doesnt help that ive put on nearly 15kg from antidepressants and although he says he loves my body he likes and comments on all his beautiful skinny friends instagrams which makes it worse... He isnt jealous at all or if he is he hides it and I hate feeling this way as he doesnt understand, i can never get him to see it my way. I have no one to talk about it and I just feel like giving up on this wonderful man because im too insecure and i feel its wrecking the relationship with the anxiety attacks that this brings to it.

 

Please help. What should I do?

[gebaird]

It sounds like your insecurities and his habits are an explosive combination. Is individual therapy or premarital counseling an option for you? I don't think your insecurities are all in your head. Keeping in touch with so many exs is a red flag. So is his refusal to stand up for you.

 

All you can control in this situation is yourself. Work on your insecurities, but also speak your truth. If you don't assert yourself, your boyfriend won't have an opportunity to change. If you're still feeling this way in July, call off the wedding.

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps you need to realize that telling a story from one's vantage point is not always "lying". Everyone has their version of the events and yes, memory fades, people may embellish or forget details, etc.

 

The real problem here as your thread is aptly titled, is insecurity about this 'being chosen' vs 'being second due to his being dumped'. Really, in the final analysis does it matter?

 

The more important issue is setting boundaries about opposite sex friends, time spent with them, if former hookups should be in contact, etc. Also focus on getting some therapy for the self esteem issue and body issue rather than developing the 'they are skinny therefore, he wants them' mentality.

 

Join a diet club, group, program, etc. and activity program, gym class, etc. and work on building more self confidence that way as well.

he was seeing another girl, he says he "picked me" but im not convinced and think she maybe dumped him and thats why we ended up together...it sounds terrible to say that but everytime he tells me the story it varies...