7 weeks on - please help!

[lisa27]

This is my second post! and it really helps. so thank you in advance for my rambling...

 

In September my boyfriend broke up with me - and 10 days later he was begging for me back. Things were amazing after that. I was telling my friends "the break up was the best thing that happened to us" because it finally woke him up to what he wanted. He is 23 and i am 25 - so he always had a slight commitment issue surrounding him. During those 10 ten days of being apart he told me he could not eat, sleep or work. he was a wreck. he really did love me. i could really see it this time.

 

However, things slowly started to unravel. His friends from his hometown moved up to the city and were living with him. all single and partying every night. They hated how he had a girlfriend and would always try call "boys nights" every weekend. I tried to get a long with them but i felt like i really didnt belong. they were just young stoner boys. Im 25 now and as much as i love a good night out - i am ready to settle down and could not cope with being below them in his priority list? thats not a relationship. And when it wasnt friend time - it was work time. Being a freelance filmer he went away alot. so basically i slipped into priority 3. yet again.

 

Two months later he broke up with me again just before xmas and new year. we had planned to go travelling around the country for our summer break. we had bought tickets and made solid plans to do so. So I wanted to work through whatever issues we had because i knew we would have such an amazing holiday together. because that was the problem - we hadnt spent any quality time together - i was constantly fighting for his attention. When we were alone we were happy. especially when we went away. Anyways he couldnt do it anymore. He "loved me, but not us", and he would not make it work.

 

I did all the pathetic and WRONG things you do after the break up and begged for him back. But he said he was determined to find himself and figure out why he acted the way he did in our relationship. Like i said earlier, i was always priority 3 after work and friends. i always ran on his schedule and he constantly made me feel anxious. So in ways i knew this was right for us too but in saying that - the rejection of it all and how strong he has been with not making any effort to talk to me has been tough. i am just so heartbroken still. its been 7 weeks and i thought it would be better by now. But everyday i wake up with a heavy heart. its actually physically painful. all i think about is him. im worried because i have had greater loss in my life - with my mum dying when i was 14 - yet somehow i cant cope with a 23 year old breaking my heart? its really worrying and off putting to be feeling this badly after someone that didnt even put me first...

 

I went no contact after i stopped being pathetic - and only broke that when his grandma was really sick a few days ago. i just messaged to check in. he was cold and distant and shut the convo down immediately. Made me fee worse so will not be reaching out like that again.

 

I guess im just so overwhelmed by the fact he doesnt want me back. Last time it took him 10 days to realise how big of a mistake he had made. Said he couldnt imagine life without me. And now its 7 weeks and basically our whole summer planned together has passed. did he even think about me during this time? He still went on the trip. I saw a tagged photo of him yesterday in a random girl travellers sunset pic. looked very romantic.

 

I had his xmas present sent to where we were going to be for xmas before we even broke up. it wasnt cheap either. was $250. I forgot i had done that/ as too scared to mention it after break up. on xmas day he messaged me saying "merry xmas " second one "& thanks for the present.". this was during my NC so i didnt reply. It was so blunt and unappreciative. the way he has been treating me is humiliating.

 

I just want to move on but i still love hm. I want to move on but i keep holdind on hope he will come back to me. why is this time so different? was i that bad of a girlfriend and person that he cant even be respectful to me when we DO talk? does he have that much distaste for me? and if so ....why did he beg for me back in the first place!!

 

I already have so a few guys messaging me now that i am single. and people are so supportive of me and cant believe i am so upset over him because they never thought he was that great or good for me. but im not interested in anyone else, even after everything my ex has done.

 

They always say "when a heart breaks it doesnt break even". Well i feel this is evident in my case and its humiliating. How is he so fine - and im not?

[Hollyj]

Lisa, I suggest that you go back and reread everyone who commented to your thread.

" you are 100% correct. I was not the happy when i was with him. he was not doing right by me - i never felt secure in the relationship. i always worked on his schedule."

I think it's time you are realistic about this guy! Take him off of the pedestal.

[Clio]

You need more time to heal. You were not bad. His behaviour has nothing to do with your value. It is no reflection on you. He is so fine because he has had a head start and all the control in what happened. He detached before the break up. What you see is the end result of an internal process that started off even before your first break up. He came back because he hadn't managed to detach the first time around. He continued detaching though, hence the boys nights and gradual uncoupling. It was his decision/his choice so he doesn't feel the lack of control and the hurt self-esteem that you are experiencing. As for his cold behaviour it's a defense mechanism so that he keeps his resolve and does not come back like the previous time. He now knows that coming back would be a mistake. He is actually doing both of you a favour. You need more time to heal. There is no point comparing your situations. His internal process is different. That's all. Nothing to do with you. Try to keep strict nc and not attach your self-esteem to his behaviour. What he does now is irrelevant. Let go of the hope of a better past. The break up HAS happened and it couldn' t have happened in any other way. You need to focus on the present and you need to focus only on you. One day at a time. Focus on grieving, healing, letting go of the past and moving on. It takes time. Good luck.