Don't know what to do.

[Jtedmonson42]

Me and my wife have been married over a year together for 5. We got together when she was 18, and got pregnant really quick. We stayed together because coming from broken homes we wanted to try and make it work for our son. I had a porn problem for the first year and lied about and hid it from her. I've since quit once I realized how much it was affecting her. We have a daughter as well now. We have always had a few ups a downs a few moments where she has briefly questioned us. We are recovering from a miscarriage from last summer, that I had to work a lot of overtime while she was at home dealing with it. last September I took a promotion and we moved 800 miles away from family and friends, she has since been a stay at home mom for the first time. In November she went back home for two weeks to visit, this was when she told me that divorce had been on her mind and she felt like she had developed feelings for a friend of hers, he didn't reciprocate the feelings towards her and we decided we were going to try and work on things. Since shes been back shes been going to therapy to help with her depression and bi polar. Our most recent discussions have been how she doesn't feel like shes in love with me and that she feels like we are best friends who co parent, and she says becuase of how much she hates living where we are away from everyone its hard for her to want to try and find things she likes here to help with the way she feels about us. Last night we talked about options for us and the idea of an open relationship was brought up because shes said she wants to be sure about us to test the waters where she was so young when we got together. The conflict is I have no desire to date anyone and the only thing to gain for me in an open relationship is sex, especially because of we do split she will love back home and getting emotionally attached to someone 800 miles away from where my kids would be isn't really an option because of they move I will try and move back as well. Part of me thinks that maybe her dating for the next two week trip she takes home could help her realize what she has, but another part doesn't know if its something I can handle or if it would do more good or bad. I don't want to lose her but if she isn't fully here and isn't happy it will only affect mine and the kids happiness.

[gebaird]

Moving away from friends and family and having her give up her career to be a stay-at-home mom are HUGE changes for anyone. If she suffers from bipolar and depression, that just makes the situation worse.

 

I'd recommend marital counseling. Perhaps she could also look into getting a job (if that's what she wants) so she can have a sense of identity.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would do my best to make this work. If I tried everything and it still wasn't going well, I'd file for divorce. I wouldn't stay in a marriage with someone who doesn't loved me, and making it an open marriage won't change her feelings towards you.

[Jtedmonson42]

Moving away from friends and family and having her give up her career to be a stay-at-home mom are HUGE changes for anyone. If she suffers from bipolar and depression, that just makes the situation worse.

 

I'd recommend marital counseling. Perhaps she could also look into getting a job (if that's what she wants) so she can have a sense of identity.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would do my best to make this work. If I tried everything and it still wasn't going well, I'd file for divorce. I wouldn't stay in a marriage with someone who doesn't loved me, and making it an open marriage won't change her feelings towards you.

 

She actually was the one that pushed towards the move, it was always if she didn't want to go I wouldn't force her. Another couple we were friends with moved out too and originally the wife was going to,babysit so she could work, but while job hunting my wife decided she wanted a break to stay at home for a while and now its turned into she doesn't want the other woman to have to babysit so she doesnt work. Ive been supportive of her working it makes it easier bill wise, but she doesn't want to rely on the other woman to babysit

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but sounds like she wants permission to cheat.

[Jtedmonson42]

Moving away from friends and family and having her give up her career to be a stay-at-home mom are HUGE changes for anyone. If she suffers from bipolar and depression, that just makes the situation worse.

 

I'd recommend marital counseling. Perhaps she could also look into getting a job (if that's what she wants) so she can have a sense of identity.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would do my best to make this work. If I tried everything and it still wasn't going well, I'd file for divorce. I wouldn't stay in a marriage with someone who doesn't loved me, and making it an open marriage won't change her feelings towards you.

 

And I agree I don't necessarily think going open will change much at most makes her realize what she has at home but she knows that. Its not am abusive relationship I don't drink do drugs don't cheat. I work my ass off to give a better life for our family and to try and build a career and come home. We don't "date" the way we should but that comes back to babysitter situation.

[rosephase]

She wants to have the experince of being with someone else. Some relationships can handle that. Some can't. I am in a open relationship. I think they can be a really positive thing, with a lot of work and everyone honestly on board. But it sounds like you don't want an open relationship. I think holding out hope that she'll date around for a couple of weeks and then see how good a husband you are and drop it... well I think that is naive.

 

She's already had a big enough crush on someone else that she almost left. His lack of attraction was the reason she stayed. Do you think she would stay with you if she started dating someone she was really excited about? Because to me it doesn't sound like she is poly or open... it sounds like she is done with you but doesn't want to be alone.

[Jtedmonson42]

She wants to have the experince of being with someone else. Some relationships can handle that. Some can't. I am in a open relationship. I think they can be a really positive thing, with a lot of work and everyone honestly on board. But it sounds like you don't want an open relationship. I think holding out hope that she'll date around for a couple of weeks and then see how good a husband you are and drop it... well I think that is naive.

 

She's already had a big enough crush on someone else that she almost left. His lack of attraction was the reason she stayed. Do you think she would stay with you if she started dating someone she was really excited about? Because to me it doesn't sound like she is poly or open... it sounds like she is done with you but doesn't want to be alone.

 

She blames the feelings for the other guy on me working 12 hours a day and hardly seeing each other while she was dealing with the miscarriage and her being able to talk to him about it. Idk our friends who are up here with us tried an open relationship instead of splitting and both claim it was the best thing that ever happened to them. She says if we do try the open it would be for those 2 weeks no sex at most kissing then when she got back we discuss if we keep it going end it and then what's next for us. Spicing up sex is one thing for me but I just don't desire multiple emotional attachments.

[rosephase]

She blames the feelings for the other guy on me working 12 hours a day and hardly seeing each other while she was dealing with the miscarriage and her being able to talk to him about it. Idk our friends who are up here with us tried an open relationship instead of splitting and both claim it was the best thing that ever happened to them. She says if we do try the open it would be for those 2 weeks no sex at most kissing then when she got back we discuss if we keep it going end it and then what's next for us. Spicing up sex is one thing for me but I just don't desire multiple emotional attachments.

 

Your friends who opened up there relationship? Did they do it for two weeks kissing only?

 

Look, I believe in open relationships. But if you are going to do them you have to understand that feelings can and do get involved. If she is lonely for time with you then seeking out other people to give her attention isn't going to help your relationship. Why don't you take two weeks to date each other?

 

If you also wanted an open relationship I would be talking to you differently. But it sounds like you don't want that. The thing she feels like she is missing won't be solved by two weeks of dates and some kissing.

[rosephase]

I want to add that you are being very kind and open hearted to consider it. That isn't an easy thing for most people. I hope she can see how much you are willing to try and understand her.

[Jtedmonson42]

Your friends who opened up there relationship? Did they do it for two weeks kissing only?

 

Look, I believe in open relationships. But if you are going to do them you have to understand that feelings can and do get involved. If she is lonely for time with you then seeking out other people to give her attention isn't going to help your relationship. Why don't you take two weeks to date each other?

 

If you also wanted an open relationship I would be talking to you differently. But it sounds like you don't want that. The thing she feels like she is missing won't be solved by two weeks of dates and some kissing.

 

I see what you are saying. And no they did it for a few months and she actually got pregnsnt by a guy she was with they then cut it off and now her husband is raising the kid as his own. And you are right i dont see how her "testing the water" makes her fall in love with me again which is why I'm nervous about it because I don't truly know if it will help her or not.

[rosephase]

I see what you are saying. And no they did it for a few months and she actually got pregnsnt by a guy she was with they then cut it off and now her husband is raising the kid as his own. And you are right i dont see how her "testing the water" makes her fall in love with me again which is why I'm nervous about it because I don't truly know if it will help her or not.

 

If I was in your shoes I would ask for her to take two weeks to date you. Figure out a way to have some time without the kid. Take some time off work. See if you can connect. You guys got married young. And being a mother early, moving away form her support system, losing a pregnancy and feeling alone because of her partners work hours? That is all hard. And maybe it's to much for this relationship. But it seems like the best way to find out is to give THIS relationship a chance. Give it time and energy. Dating someone new now (even in a happily open relationship) will be a bandaid over some deep wounds.

[Jtedmonson42]

If I was in your shoes I would ask for her to take two weeks to date you. Figure out a way to have some time without the kid. Take some time off work. See if you can connect. You guys got married young. And being a mother early, moving away form her support system, losing a pregnancy and feeling alone because of her partners work hours? That is all hard. And maybe it's to much for this relationship. But it seems like the best way to find out is to give THIS relationship a chance. Give it time and energy. Dating someone new now (even in a happily open relationship) will be a bandaid over some deep wounds.

 

I think that may be the best thing. To make use of the woman who said she would babysit just a few times just for this to give us a chance to try again. Because I really dont believe that either of us dating another person will fix things between the two of us.