Much needed vent session. 1.5 month mark.

[lillorenzo23]

I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions since my relationship ended at the end of November. Some days not so bad, some days almost unbearable. Today is a middle-of-the-road kind of day, but I feel like I need to vent a little.

 

I've been reading 'Codependency No More' by Melody Beattie, and it's done a lot of good, but also some bad. It points out very blatantly the effects codependents such as myself have on a relationship. We feel like we need to control things that are ultimately out of our control, and we feel as if we cannot let go of people/situations that ultimately hurt us. We stay when we should leave, and not only do we stay, but we try to take the situations we should have left over and make them work. This is all good stuff for future relationships, but the one thing that I found myself doing is putting myself down over the way I behaved in the relationship with being 'needy' and 'controlling'. I realize now that I did make some mistakes, and the 'what if' 'should have' 'could have been' stuff isn't going to help anything, but it definitely pops up every once in a while. There's this constant mind battle between me knowing I deserve better, and me thinking that things could have been better had I known about these issues before we met. There really isn't an easy way to overcome any of this, and mostly anybody reading this is either in the same boat, or has been here before. Just have to keep my focus on healing, getting past this, and moving on with my life. I honestly do think that better things will come into play, but I seriously seriously need to take some alone time, focus on being okay being single, and wait a while before I date. There's literally times where I'll think about possibly dating in the future, and then for whatever reason feel like I'll never be able to fall in love with anybody else. I know this isn't true, but, it's a vent session, so I'm just getting all of my thoughts and feelings out there. Thanks for listening guys!

[gebaird]

Yep, I totally hear ya. At the end of a bad relationship, sometimes even thinking about getting into another one makes me sick. But it's important to keep in mind that your next relationship will probably be better than the last one, especially if you are taking time to work on yourself!

 

Be kind to yourself We all make mistakes in relationships, but it's only failure if we fail to learn from them. Most of us are acting out programs that were embedded in childhood. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to examine and change those programs, and it can be a painful and very emotional process. But the results are totally worth it!

[Viceroy]

Try not to put yourself down too much, but it's very good that you're able to recognize the mistakes you made in your last relationship. There is always a cost to change, and you have to understand that meaningful change takes time. Recognizing your mistakes, and promising yourself not to repeat them are two huge steps in healing.

 

You will find love again, and you know this. It's dangerous to condense the world down to only two people. Always remember that you are responsible for your own happiness and wellbeing. It's important that you think and do positive actions!

[membername]

I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions since my relationship ended at the end of November. Some days not so bad, some days almost unbearable. Today is a middle-of-the-road kind of day, but I feel like I need to vent a little.

 

I've been reading 'Codependency No More' by Melody Beattie, and it's done a lot of good, but also some bad. It points out very blatantly the effects codependents such as myself have on a relationship. We feel like we need to control things that are ultimately out of our control, and we feel as if we cannot let go of people/situations that ultimately hurt us. We stay when we should leave, and not only do we stay, but we try to take the situations we should have left over and make them work. This is all good stuff for future relationships, but the one thing that I found myself doing is putting myself down over the way I behaved in the relationship with being 'needy' and 'controlling'. I realize now that I did make some mistakes, and the 'what if' 'should have' 'could have been' stuff isn't going to help anything, but it definitely pops up every once in a while. There's this constant mind battle between me knowing I deserve better, and me thinking that things could have been better had I known about these issues before we met. There really isn't an easy way to overcome any of this, and mostly anybody reading this is either in the same boat, or has been here before. Just have to keep my focus on healing, getting past this, and moving on with my life. I honestly do think that better things will come into play, but I seriously seriously need to take some alone time, focus on being okay being single, and wait a while before I date. There's literally times where I'll think about possibly dating in the future, and then for whatever reason feel like I'll never be able to fall in love with anybody else. I know this isn't true, but, it's a vent session, so I'm just getting all of my thoughts and feelings out there. Thanks for listening guys!

 

I hear you!

 

When I started reading up on all things toxic relationships etc. I felt the same way. I thought if I did things different.. but thing is with my situation my ex was who he was and the verbal/emotional abuse would have been. No matter what - Normal people don't react or treat people that way. And he lied ... repeatedly... nothing I did could change a liar...So that helps me. And also I've talked to family friends here to get advice and perspective and they all summed up to the same advice which was to leave. Heck, I even DID the things he wanted and was still not enough...

 

Times I do feel like it was my fault, even now, I have my days.. if I did this or that different we would be cool. But I did nothing that warranted how I was treated when he did what he did..

 

You have to come to a point (and I get there and sometimes And sometimes I forget) where you see the situation for what it truly was and no matter what you did the result would have been the same.

 

It can be a hard pill to swallow, but you have to come to terms that it happened the way it was meant to. If they learned nothing so be it, but YOU did.

[lisa27]

I am going through this exact thought process at the moment!! ive just hit the 6 week mark today. I feel like im not getting any better though and it really worries me. Everytime i think i have control over my feelings and am getting on with things - i seem to take three steps back and start to worry that it is all my fault anf i will never find anyone like him.

 

was your breakup mutual?

Any advise you could give me on how you are coping would be greatly appreciated, Is your ex talking to you? It seems like mine has completely forgotten i existed over night. and i think that hurts the most.

[lillorenzo23]

I am going through this exact thought process at the moment!! ive just hit the 6 week mark today. I feel like im not getting any better though and it really worries me. Everytime i think i have control over my feelings and am getting on with things - i seem to take three steps back and start to worry that it is all my fault anf i will never find anyone like him.

 

was your breakup mutual?

Any advise you could give me on how you are coping would be greatly appreciated, Is your ex talking to you? It seems like mine has completely forgotten i existed over night. and i think that hurts the most.

 

The breakup was not mutual. He wanted to end it, I wanted to fix things. I even suggested and set up a couples therapy appointment (which he agreed to), but then a few days before the appointment he backed out. After that, all contact stopped for about a week, until he left a memory box we made of all of the things we did together over the two years on my apartment doorstep along with a very insensitive note that said "these are yours, I'm tired of stepping over them and have nowhere to put them. If you want to toss them, go for it, but Im not going to. I took everything that was mine." Then he texted me twice to ensure I got the box (which I never responded to). About a week after that I saw his Tinder dating profile set up already (about a month after the breakup). I made the mistake of breaking NC to tell him Im taking time to work on myself and he should too. I said I didn't want to see him jump into another relationship and have the same end result. To which he responded "I am going to be single for a while. I'm not looking for anything. I am working on myself. You have no idea what my intentions were on Tinder so stop jumping to conclusions. Thanks for your concerns though."

 

Other than that, no contact at all. It's also as if I never existed. I struggle with wanting him to contact me, and then part hopes he never does so that I can move on. This is such a struggle between what I feel I need to do, and what I feel I want. There's days where I just want to meet up with him and pour my heart out, but I know that won't get me anywhere so I don't. I guess this up and down is part of the process (so everybody tells me). It's right around the 6 week mark for me as well. As far as coping with it, I'm not even sure what I'm doing to be honest. I've been trying to get out with friends but it's dead of winter in Pittsburgh (snow, cold, dark, grey...) so there really isn't much to do around here besides go out to bars (which drinking is the last thing I need). My work schedule is around 50 hours a week (two twelve hour days Monday and Tuesday), so that drives me nuts sitting here for so long. I started seeing a therapist that wasn't really helping, so I recently switched to a new one. Had my first meeting with her Sunday, and she made some valid points that gave me hope. I've been going to the gym, and have seen a noticeable difference in 6 weeks. But, with that, there's a stupid voice inside of me that says "I hope he sees how good I look this summer and regrets it..." I've been reading some books, like 'Codependency No More'. A lot of eye opening points in there, but like I said in my post some of it makes me feel responsible. I guess I'm just living day by day, and trying to not beat myself up about everything. I know I won't feel like this forever. Not sure how long it will last, but it won't be for forever. That's one thing I have to look forward to. Well, that and this winter to be over eventually.

[sparkles456]

I am going through this exact thought process at the moment!! ive just hit the 6 week mark today. I feel like im not getting any better though and it really worries me. Everytime i think i have control over my feelings and am getting on with things - i seem to take three steps back and start to worry that it is all my fault anf i will never find anyone like him.

 

was your breakup mutual?

Any advise you could give me on how you are coping would be greatly appreciated, Is your ex talking to you? It seems like mine has completely forgotten i existed over night. and i think that hurts the most.

 

What you're going through is normal, I think. I feel the exact same way as you do and my break up was around the same time as yours. I didn't want it, and there was nothing wrong other than he can't communicate. What helps me is staying busy and I've been traveling every weekend to get out of my house.