Time to move?

[dinnerfortwo]

I'm in a long distance relationship (approx 200kms out of the city) with a lady I met online, we've been going out for maybe 18 months, we see each other most weekends and we talk on the phone most nights and keep regular contact by text throughout the day. Its had its up and downs like any relationship, mostly good, some bad to consider but its been mostly fine. We're very close and I'd never want to hurt her. The big questions have started and its getting serious, we've been finding it tough on our own recently, I guess the distance has been frustrating on us both, phone conversations have become tense and somewhat labored, text messages don't seem to suffice anymore and have become generic and sparse. Sometimes I feel like if i took the long distance out of the equation I ask myself if I'm even sure we'd still even be in a relationship, as the distance almost makes us try harder, makes us more appreciative of the little time we have together, respectful of the fact the other has come so far. This spills into the time we spend together too, it can be tense, fractious and even cold. We can get past this after a day or two and when the future isn't an issue and we're in the moment if can be beautiful. Not all of the time, she can be quite insecure and probably expects and needs a lot more out of the relationship part of the relationship than I probably would. Its pretty clear to me she feels she's the boss in this, I'm willing to give a lot, I have my needs and I fight for them, but it came to a head the other day. I told I was to move to her, make my career somewhat more difficult, give up my place in the city, submit to lengthy commutes, move into her home, in a country village far from my family, familiarity and where i know virtually no one nor have any professional job prospects. I could work form home but I'd feel extremely isolated. I could commute to work but it'd eventually wear me down, I value my time over my finances any day, I'd be willing for the right reasons. She doesn't want to change her situation, nor seems particularly willing in the short term anyway. She has her career, her friends and family all close at hand. I have doubts about her long term willingness to move also. I've expressed my fears, that this is a massive big deal for me, it would be for anyone, and she's emphasized that i shouldn't even be dwelling so much on the negatives but I should love her and be willing and be a man, as boyfriends of friends of hers have done in the past. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting her time and my own if in the long term this isn't what I want. I guess I'm not so sure about her right now, I'm not sure if its me she likes or the idea of me she likes and its getting too late now to go search elsewhere, I maybe need more time, I don't think she has my interests at heart. I love her and understand her needs too. I don't want to move and find myself bitter, lonely and resentful of her and don't want to break up and find myself the same because I wouldn't move either. I really don't know what to do right now. What do I do?

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like she gave you an ultimatum after 18 mos of a LDR. It's time to end things because "you have doubts about the relationship" and it hasn't been working out. Not to mention, it sounds like you do not want to move.

I told I was to move to her, make my career somewhat more difficult, give up my place in the city, submit to lengthy commutes, move into her home, in a country village far from my family, familiarity and where i know virtually no one nor have any professional job prospects. I don't want to move and find myself bitter, lonely and resentful of her

[rosephase]

From what you wrote it sounds like you already know your answer. You are just scared to admit it. You don't have faith in the relationship. You don't think she is willing to make the same sacrifices for you that she is asking you to make. You don't want to live where she lives.

 

The relationship is fading. That happens. You don't have enough passion for each other to keep the long distance thing going. She isn't willing to change her life for you. And when you sit down and think about what you would be giving up to move to her, your finding that the relationship isn't worth all the things you would lose. That sounds pretty clear. This relationship has run it's corse.

[gebaird]

All the drawbacks of moving that you describe are very real, but the biggest concern is the status of the relationship. If things were going perfectly well, it would probably STILL be a hard decision to leave the life you've established. Since they aren't going perfectly well, I think it would be a very bad idea, and not worth the risk at all, for you to drop everything and run to her.

 

I would let her know that you can't picture yourself moving closer to her. My guess is she will end the relationship at that point.