Does he want me?

[Jack9810]

My ex boyfriend and I broke up a month ago just after our one year. We had a pretty good relationship and spent a lot of time together and was always very happy when we were together, but we would fight while texting. He was stubborn and wouldn't open up about what was bothering him and so was I.. In the last few months I've been going through an enormous amount of family related issues that have really affected my attitude, and during our fights I've said some mean things I obviously didn't mean, but in the heat of the moment i said. He then unexpectedly broke up with me because of our fighting and he felt like I didn't want to be with him and was hurt from what I said. I regret it all so much and I've been working very hard to change how I handle stress and emotions. I'll admit I was devastated by the break up and still am honestly. About 2 weeks ago we began talking again and he told me how much he missed me and would like to get back together eventually. We talked for a couple days and then we ended up hanging out at his house watching a movie (after lots of persuasion on his part) It was a really good time and we talked about everything and I apologized for how I acted and explained why. We just talked and it was great for us both. He told me that he wants to be with me but doesn't know when, it could be a week or it could be a month. I told him I understood and accepted that it will take time. We continued to talk and a couple days after that he told me he is now unsure on what he wants and hasn't gotten over our fights and what I had said. He told me that he wants to be friends because we don't fight that way and that he just wants to "see where things go" I accepted this and since then for about a week and a half we've talked almost all day everyday, which he initiates by sending a good morning text. There has been no fights, almost no flirting and he hasn't brought us up at all and neither have I. For now I'm just going with the flow and seeing what happens I guess, hoping that he'll be able to forgive me and want me back.. I just don't when or if I should bring us up or wait and let him do it? Obviously I want to be with him and will do everything I can to do so but I don't want to have all this hope of it doesn't go anywhere.

[gebaird]

I think going with the flow for now is a good idea. Build trust and avoid fighting. If has hasn't brought up the subject of your relationship within the next 30 days or so, bring it up in a gentle way.

 

I would look deeply at the causes for those fights. Stress, etc. may be a factor, but everyone has stress. It's not okay to take it out on your partner. Jealousy, possessiveness and unmet expectations (hallmarks of egoistic behavior) were probably factors, too. Perhaps your idea of what a relationship should be (based on how your parents' marriage was) is also holding you back.

 

Learning to find healthy outlets for negative emotion and being attached in a non-codependent way will help you in this and every other relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? Unfortunately it sounds like the fighting took it's toll and he wants to keep his distance but is ok with the idea of fwb eventually.

 

Take this time to work on your family issues and stress management. It would be best to give yourself and him some time and space to reflect and work on things rather than hanging out and texting.

He then unexpectedly broke up with me because of our fighting.he told me he is now unsure on what he wants and hasn't gotten over our fights and what I had said. He told me that he wants to be friends because we don't fight that way and that he just wants to "see where things go"

[Jack9810]

We had dated for a year and almost 2 weeks when he broke up. I've been actively looking at the causes of our past fights and understanding what caused them and how I could handle them differently in the future, to avoid future issues while not dwelling on the past. I'll admit my attitude is entirely my fault and choice with how I act but I do believe that my family and how they handle situations and how often they argue, does negatively affect me more than I'd like. Because of this I am learning new, healthy ways to handle stress and it seems to be working nicely for me overall so far. I just hope I can keep this up because I definitely don't want to be how I was before, for my own happiness. I believe my family issues also caused some of my issues of being dependent on him for my happiness because of past feelings of abandonment, which I also am working on overcoming.

[Pretzel]

My only concern is that you are in that grey area after breaking up and there's a lot of uncertainty, which could lead to a lot of potential hurt later down the line.

 

I would clarify your position together sooner rather than later to cut your losses.

 

The fighting took its toll yes, but he can't "half" the relationship and hold onto it in this way.

 

I think you should put your cards out on the table and say you want to do things differently this time around, sincerely apologize and reflect on how you are going to commit to making things work and compromise, but seek his forgiveness and an answer as to whether he wants to accept your offer to try being together in a relationship again.

 

It sounds as if he still wants you, but he is scared. That is natural, but it doesn't mean he can take things back a notch and simply have a friendship with you- you are not friends- you are very recent exes. If you don't confront that at some point in the next couple of weeks, I think you'll just be complicating things in the longer term.

 

You don't want to be strung on indefinitely in this wondering state, knowing where you stand with someone is very important.

[Jack9810]

That's what I'm worried about but I also don't want to ask and put pressure on him too soon. I think I'm just going to let things continue how they are for another week or so to see if anything changes then bring it up to see where we are. He knows that I'm sorry and that I want to change and am changing but he's still worried. I'm hoping that as we talk he may begin to forgive me more and see the good maybe?

[No1]

Just another side from the window here.. but I think talking to him every day might not be a good idea.. Ill tell you why.

 

If he hasnt forgiven you, talking to you is not going to change it. IF he is to forgive you, he has to do that on his own. Either he forgives you or not. There is no 'wait and see'.

 

Talking to you every day might be a great way to emotionally distance himself from you. Talking to you can be therapeutic and a way for him to break away from you. You give him no incentive to change his mind because you are always available. He doesnt have to forgive you because you are there.

 

I think he is just waiting and buying his time. If you argue with him then he has already emotionally moved on...

[Wiseman2]

I would advise against a show. No one has an epiphany or character change in a week. He will know it's a ploy because you desperately want him back and will say or do anything, then revert to your angry ways because you've done nothing to fix it such as move away from your family, get therapy or even address these outbursts.

 

It would be best to work on your family problems and explosiveness for real. Not just to impress him that your moods, argumentativeness and anger are better, but to improve the quality of your life, happiness relations in general etc.

I think I'm just going to let things continue how they are for another week or so to see if anything changes then bring it up to see where we are. He knows that I'm sorry and that I want to change and am changing but he's still worried.

[Jack9810]

That's what I believe in a way. I don't want to be here just to make him feel better and make it easier to get away. I'll be honest before we started talking again I was a complete mess and couldnt even eat because of all of the stress coming from all sides. Since then we have I've been able to focus more and be happier and it sucks. I shouldn't be so dependent but I can't seem to help it. I guess he's also distracting me from the hurt so i don't want to stop talking to him but I know if we stop and this doesn't go anywhere, I'll be devastated all over again. It's just hard to figure out the right thing to do given the hope that he told me he does want to be with me..

[Jack9810]

I agree completely. Sadly, I can not change the issues my family is going through and leaving is not an option but I'm finding new ways to handle them. I have known I've needed to make changes for some time now and this really opened my eyes to it all. I am and plan on really changing myself for the better whether or not I get him back, although he is my motivation to start. I've been working on this since we broke up but you're right I'll give it some more time even though I'd like to ask him where we stand sooner rather than later

[Jack9810]

Bumping this up. I still don't know what to do..