Uncharted Dating territory. Experiences?

[snoopygal]

I have recently started seeing someone. It's a guy I had worked with in the past and initially, I just planned to hang out with him as a friend a few times. Well, we're both single now and we really hit it off. Its been a few weeks and we're both interested in each other. He's really great, and I'm excited about a potential relationship. There's a couple of new things that are uncharted territory for me. First, he works different hours than I do. He works overnights 7-7 4 nights a week, and he sleeps during the day. This wouldn't be such a big deal, but he also has a daughter. The 3 days off he has are his days with her. I've never dated anyone with kids, so this would be very new for me.

 

I've been honest with him, that it makes me nervous. Not in a bad way, just in a totally different than anything I've experienced way. After knowing these things, I'm still really interested in him. He appreciated my honesty and said he understood. My questions are, if you've been in this position, what were the things that were the hardest to overcome, were you worried about things that ended up not even being a big deal, is it normal to feel somewhat overwhelmed by the situation?

 

I guess I have a lot of worries. Part of that is just my personality, I'm a bit of a worrier. Part of it is human nature, its natural to be nervous of the unknown. What I am wanting from any potential relationship is a partnership. I realize some of these are my insecurities about the unexpected, but I feel like we would need to work through them together, if that makes sense. Does anyone have any words of advice, stories of their experiences, etc?

[Wiseman2]

As long as you can make enough time to see each other and he's ready to date thing should go well. Good luck.

he works different hours than I do. He works overnights 7-7 4 nights a week, and he sleeps during the day. This wouldn't be such a big deal, but he also has a daughter. The 3 days off he has are his days with her. I've never dated anyone with kids, so this would be very new for me.

[Clio]

I haven't dated anyone with kids so I am writing this from your perspective. It would depend on what your own work schedule is and how much time you are looking to spend with a partner. Do these match to what he has to offer? His time priorities lie with his daughter and rightly so. What about you? What is your work schedule and how much time would you be hoping to spend with your partner? Can you see yourself adapting to such a restrictive schedule? Given his work and parenting situation it doesn't sound like he has enough time for a full partnership and expecting him to come up with more time would be unrealistic. It is you who would have to do the majority of adapting and the time left for you sounds minimal. If you find yourself feeling unfulfilled from the current situation, I find it unlikely that it is going to get any better in the near future. He may understand your concerns but I don't think this is something where he can meet you half way.

[snoopygal]

Clio, yes, that is definitely one of my worries. I don't feel unfulfilled at this point, but the last few weeks have been a bit different for them. Given time off/different schedules for his daughter for holidays etc. I've been able to see him quite a bit. Now, normal life schedules will be back.

[Clio]

Then, I am sorry to say that this is a valid reason to worry. As always, time will tell. In the meantime, I would try to keep my expectations of it working out in check and observe for a while before getting too attached. Pay attention to how you feel. If you feel unfulfilled, then you need to let this go.

[Fudgie]

I don't mean to be a debby downer, I feel like it could work better if he worked days or a more "normal" schedule but I don't see how it is possible for him to have a full-on relationship with you given his work schedule and daughter. I mean, I've worked 12s, I'll often work like 3 12-hour shifts in a row, and I'm wiped - and I work days! I used to work 12-hour night shifts and you're just beat afterwards. He'll likely be going home, sleeping, and then getting up, doing his chores/laundry, maybe getting some food, and then it's off to work again. Yes, he'll have 3 days off but he has his daughter then.

 

Given his normal, regular schedule, I just don't see where you (or anyone else) can fit in.

[snoopygal]

Fudgie, I do agree with you. It would be much easier if he worked a more normal schedule. He did bring this up, they call them rotations, when the next rotation comes around he can choose his shifts (days and times). This is something he brought up in the very beginning before I had any intentions of dating him, and hasn't come up again. I would never ask him to change them, but if he chose to do so on his own, that could mean a totally different situation. Either way, he does still have a child, which is also different for me. Even if he and I didn't work out, most people my age do have kids (at least where I live). I'm also not sure what an appropriate amount of time to expect a person to spend with you one on one is when they have kid(s).

[Fudgie]

I think that a parent having their child for a weekend or 2 days a week or something is quite normal when they don't have primary custody. He has her for 3 days - perhaps they have joint custody since it's so close to being 50/50.

 

What really complicates things here isn't the fact that he has a daughter, it's that work schedule, I agree with you - it would be a LOT easier.

 

I'm just not sure how he would come up with the time to see you without sacrificing work time, time with his daughter, or time to do "necessary things", like laundry and grocery shopping. I mean really, how are you two going to go on a date? He'll either have his daughter for the 3 days he's off OR he'll be wiped from working 12 hours.