"Time apart"

[offthegrid]

What is your take on this concept?

 

We got into a fight last week and didn't speak for a couple of days. We have been getting into a habit of this recently. When we finally did speak on Friday, rather than get back together and meet up, she told me that we need "time apart." At first, I didn't take this well. I get the feeling that "time apart" is a phrase people use when they want to break up but aren't sure how to do it. The conversation sort of devolved into another argument. On Saturday, I wrote her a kind e-mail. She responded on Sunday, assuring me that she is not looking to replace me but that she feels she has focused too much on my needs and needs time to regroup and regain emotional stability. Ended it with an "I love you." Asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing well. It was a pleasant exchange. She contacted me again a few hours later and we spoke in a little more detail. I was sympathetic. It was a good conversation. Ended with "goodnight"s and "I love you"s.

 

The thing is, I'm not really sure what this all means. I'm not sure if we're together or if I'm single. I'm not really sure how long this will last. I don't really want to ask. But it's kind of important to know, right? It will affect how we spend this time apart. She wrote "To be honest, I don't know how to do the time apart. Should we not talk at all? Talk only about non passionate things. Avoid seeing each other altogether? Meet up casually only? I don't know what's best." I told her that it's up to her, but that I probably won't contact her. But that I am here for her if she needs to talk. She said that she will try not to contact me. "We can talk about serious things when we meet again. If we do end up chatting every now and then, it's best not to get into emotional territory."

 

How do you guys think I should handle this? I plan to spend the time working on myself. I don't plan to go hookup with other people or anything. I'm considering maybe cutting contact for at least a week, to truly give her the time apart she thinks she needs. This will give her a better picture of life without me. And I worry that if I'm too available, I put myself at risk of being strung along while she moves on.

[MissCanuck]

I think she definitely needs to figure out what she wants. She wants time apart, yet can't specify what that means?

 

You two need to have a much more open, in-person conversation. Those tough questions need to be asked, or you'll be stuck in this strange limbo having no idea where you stand. A relationship should not operate that way. There needs to be a clear timeline and discussion of expectations - how long does she envision being in no contact with you? How does she anticipate this will resolve the problems you two have? Does she still view herself as your girlfriend? Is she planning on seeing anyone else?

 

While it's normal to want a cooling-off period after a fight, problems for a couple are usually not solved by spending time apart. Couples generally need to work together to combat the issues, or go their separate ways. What were your fights about, and what was this last one about? How old are you both and how long have you been together?

[offthegrid]

I think she definitely needs to figure out what she wants. She wants time apart, yet can't specify what that means?

 

You two need to have a much more open, in-person conversation. Those tough questions need to be asked, or you'll be stuck in this strange limbo having no idea where you stand. A relationship should not operate that way. There needs to be a clear timeline and discussion of expectations - how long does she envision being in no contact with you? How does she anticipate this will resolve the problems you two have? Does she still view herself as your girlfriend? Is she planning on seeing anyone else?

 

While it's normal to want a cooling-off period after a fight, problems for a couple are usually not solved by spending time apart. Couples generally need to work together to combat the issues, or go their separate ways. What were your fights about, and what was this last one about? How old are you both and how long have you been together?

 

Thanks for the response. You are right that the tough questions need to be asked. I'm 28, she's 29. We've been together about a year.

 

Our fights have almost exclusively only happened when I drink. I tend to be meaner and she doesn't like it, which is entirely fair. In order to combat this, I told her I would stop drinking. And if I did drink, I would avoid her. Wednesday night I had a few drinks. I told her this, but she still insisted on seeing me. I didn't plan on caving and in fact was on my way home on the train, but I mistakenly took an express train and needed to get off at the stop that just so happens to be where I could meet up with her. I saw her, we got food. I was a d1ck. I knew it was a bad idea. I should have just went home.

[leseine7]

To me, it sounds like she is trying to "gently" break things off. I do think that couples can take space now and then after a heated argument or during times of trouble, but by space I mean a very healthy breather for a day, while being absolutely clear that it is for the sake of KEEPING the relationship strong and regrouping, not ending things.

 

What she's doing is pretty cruel, because she's being cryptic and sending you mixed signals, while keeping you on this hook for her to break it off without having to deal with the finality of losing you. I've had this done to me - it's unfair and selfish, and if I were you I would absolutely call her out on it. This: "She wrote "To be honest, I don't know how to do the time apart. Should we not talk at all? Talk only about non passionate things. Avoid seeing each other altogether? Meet up casually only? I don't know what's best." - is your sign that for her, it's over. She's asking you to suddenly act like a friend rather than a boyfriend, while getting defensive and angry when you ask for clarification.

 

Figure out what your time limit is. Since she was never clear about how long she wanted this "Time apart," you need to ask her to be clear with you about what her decision is. She is the one making these rules and confusing you, so it is her responsibility to let you know what she has decided. If she is just trying to transition into being over things and moving on, then she needs to call this an official break up and let you go.

[offthegrid]

To me, it sounds like she is trying to "gently" break things off. I do think that couples can take space now and then after a heated argument or during times of trouble, but by space I mean a very healthy breather for a day, while being absolutely clear that it is for the sake of KEEPING the relationship strong and regrouping, not ending things.

 

What she's doing is pretty cruel, because she's being cryptic and sending you mixed signals, while keeping you on this hook for her to break it off without having to deal with the finality of losing you. I've had this done to me - it's unfair and selfish, and if I were you I would absolutely call her out on it. This: "She wrote "To be honest, I don't know how to do the time apart. Should we not talk at all? Talk only about non passionate things. Avoid seeing each other altogether? Meet up casually only? I don't know what's best." - is your sign that for her, it's over. She's asking you to suddenly act like a friend rather than a boyfriend, while getting defensive and angry when you ask for clarification.

 

Figure out what your time limit is. Since she was never clear about how long she wanted this "Time apart," you need to ask her to be clear with you about what her decision is. She is the one making these rules and confusing you, so it is her responsibility to let you know what she has decided. If she is just trying to transition into being over things and moving on, then she needs to call this an official break up and let you go.

 

Hard to read, but I'm afraid you might be right. I'll think about this and write to her in a bit.

[leseine7]

No matter what, you deserve better than being stuck in limbo. Problems happen between couples and if she's decided the issues that have happened between you two are deal-breaking, that is her right, but it's NOT right for her to leave you hanging as punishment.

 

Also, someone who goes off the grid and stops speaking to you after arguments is going to be very hard to resolve any relationships conflicts with in general. After my last relationship (which was filled with that), I made it a vow never to date someone who would stonewall me after fights or hard times. You both should be able to own your mistakes and work on them together and if that isn't possible, there is nothing to salvage.

 

On a separate note: I read about how you said you get mean when you drink. I, too, am someone who needs to pretty much not drink and if I do - it needs to be kept to a minimum so I don't actually get drunk. I get a lot meaner when I'm drunk. It's not an excuse, either - and you can't expect her to just not want to see you because you're having a drinking night and she should know it means you'll be mean. You already know alcohol and you don't mix well, so it's good you're aware of that. I would say for the future, drinking should go away in favor of a relationship that's peaceful. It just causes way too much trouble.

[offthegrid]

So I wrote to her, and she replied. "This isn't a break, it's time apart." "We are still together, we are taking a step back. Hopefully this will be healthy for our relationship."

 

She still refused to give a proper date. Said it shouldn't be too soon otherwise we will likely fall back into our recent breakup/makeup cycle.

 

I will see how this goes, but I think I will also start to prepare to take the steps I need to take in order to move on. She did say that we are still together, which holds her accountable to our exclusivity. But it's a bit odd. If we're together, why not be together?

[Batya33]

She wants to remain exclusive while she takes time apart. I don't blame her for being very concerned about your drinking and your behavior especially since I can see where she doesn't find it workable for you to avoid her when you are drunk -what would that look like if things get more serious and you are engaged or married?

I would tell her to take all the time she needs but that you are going to move on at some point and you will let her know when that point is.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like between the fighting and the last meeting where you were once again an angry drunk, it's just gotten to be too much for her and while she is not willing to throw in the towel and dump you yet, she definitely needs to cool down quite a bit and think things over. All you can do is really the same - good time to think over what's causing all fighting and what can be done better. Take this time to work on your end of the problems.

 

As for getting mean when you are drinking, do yourself a favor and just quit drinking. It's not just relationships, but friendships as well that will go. It gets old and annoying for absolutely everyone to deal with a mean drunk. Some people just have that kind of a weird bad reaction to alcohol and it doesn't get better with time, actually worse. So you might as well quit while you are ahead and before it starts to cost you a lot.

[offthegrid]

Sounds like between the fighting and the last meeting where you were once again an angry drunk, it's just gotten to be too much for her and while she is not willing to throw in the towel and dump you yet, she definitely needs to cool down quite a bit and think things over. All you can do is really the same - good time to think over what's causing all fighting and what can be done better. Take this time to work on your end of the problems.

 

As for getting mean when you are drinking, do yourself a favor and just quit drinking. It's not just relationships, but friendships as well that will go. It gets old and annoying for absolutely everyone to deal with a mean drunk. Some people just have that kind of a weird bad reaction to alcohol and it doesn't get better with time, actually worse. So you might as well quit while you are ahead and before it starts to cost you a lot.

 

Yeah, I'm definitely better without it. I've made a lot of attempts to stop entirely, but have had moments of weakness where I ended up drinking. Stopping entirely is what I would prefer to do.

[Wiseman2]

It would be best not to contact her at all. Give her the space she's asking for. Go no contact while she pulls herself together as she asked. Wait for her to contact you but be prepared for the friendzone, which she is slowing shifting toward.

 

While she didn't respond to your question that she's "replacing you", but she did reiterate that she doesn't want to be together.

 

What were the fights and breakups about? What is meant by "emotional territory"? Kind of silly to hang out or chat if you have to act like acquaintances, no?

she is not looking to replace me but that she feels she has focused too much on my needs and needs time to regroup and regain emotional stability. She said that she will try not to contact me. "We can talk about serious things when we meet again. If we do end up chatting every now and then, it's best not to get into emotional territory."

[Batya33]

Yeah, I'm definitely better without it. I've made a lot of attempts to stop entirely, but have had moments of weakness where I ended up drinking. Stopping entirely is what I would prefer to do.

 

From what I know of drinking problems "prefer" is not going to cut it -either you're 100% in to stopping or you're not. There's no "trying".

[Hawnfawn]

In my most recent failed relationship, my gf and I did a LOT of on-off. What I only understand now, when it's all too late, is that if they need time apart, give it to them. If she's clearly stated that she isn't trying to replace you or dump you, then why are you worried?

My ex asked me for some time to heal. I'd hurt her so frequently with my irrational breaking up with her to get her attention. All she said was that she needed a couple weeks to recollect herself so she could allow us to reset. I freaked out and actually tried harder to win her back. Looking back, if I had just said okay and acquiesced to her wish, and actually spent that time bettering myself, being more introspective, workinf on understanding why I kept feeling like I had to break up with her to get her attention, then maybe I would still have her. So...would you rather her and you still have a morsel of a chance? Then give her time. Would you rather you guys reconnect as better versions of yourself after a couple weeks or a month? Then give her space. Or would you rather lose her forever?

[Hawnfawn]

As a follow up..this may or may not apply to you, but this was the lightbulb that went off for me when it was too late. Maybe you can still salvage what you've got: go to google and search "Tiny Buddha freedom to choose" click on the second link. It should be entitled "We Need to Give People the Freedom to Choose What’s Right for Them".

[offthegrid]

In my most recent failed relationship, my gf and I did a LOT of on-off. What I only understand now, when it's all too late, is that if they need time apart, give it to them. If she's clearly stated that she isn't trying to replace you or dump you, then why are you worried?

My ex asked me for some time to heal. I'd hurt her so frequently with my irrational breaking up with her to get her attention. All she said was that she needed a couple weeks to recollect herself so she could allow us to reset. I freaked out and actually tried harder to win her back. Looking back, if I had just said okay and acquiesced to her wish, and actually spent that time bettering myself, being more introspective, workinf on understanding why I kept feeling like I had to break up with her to get her attention, then maybe I would still have her. So...would you rather her and you still have a morsel of a chance? Then give her time. Would you rather you guys reconnect as better versions of yourself after a couple weeks or a month? Then give her space. Or would you rather lose her forever?

 

The thing is, you don't know if acquiescing would have actually worked because you didn't actually give her the space.

 

But I will see what happens. A part of me still feels like I'm being broken up with at a slow crawl. Sure, she confirmed that we're still together, but she could just as easily come out of this telling me that the time apart made her realize that she doesn't want to be with me. It would be cruel, but I am already aware that it's a possibility so I can blame nobody but myself for giving it a chance.

 

It's only been a few days, anyway. I won't rush to judgment. Thanks for the Tiny Buddha recommendation.

[shiner501]

Whenever anyone wants "a break", "time apart" or "space', tell them 'certainly' and then go immediate no contact and give them what they want.