Stress and Relationships/Breakups

[Trinity11]

As i go more introspective during this breakup...Well...even if i look at my photos from the last year, I can literally see the ups and downs.

I can see when i met my ex..there was quite a few photos...I was scared to take too many in just in case i was too much, i was feeling the way. Then he went away to work...we met again..more photos, again, not too many... he took some of me. We have many photos of each other buy hardly any together.

 

However last winter, there were hardly any photos. I think now this is when the relationship must have started to suffer. This is when I became stressed about uni and I lashed out at him for not giving me what I needed (encouragement, whether it be about uni or particularly about snowboarding or other activities I was not so great at) but I didn't communicate with him properly that that was what I wanted from him I guess. This was also the time he would tell me what he was doing with friends and i was supposed to know I was always invited, rather than "if you want to come". He said he always wanted me to come. Miscommunication. We spend less time doing outdoor activities I think at this point..this must have been when he started to feel less happy around me, because i was down. One up was an on an impromptu road trip in March, it was actually awesome! we hiked and played about on the beach and I can say i was relaxed! I keep replaying this time in my head, this was just before my new classes started. When they started things went really sideways. I had two classes and full time work. It was not meant to be like that but we were short staffed. I struggled to keep up and had barely any time. I vowed never again to take on that much.

 

Much to my shock before he left to work he communicated a few things (mentioning things from 6 months earlier which coincides with my photo changes), but then the next few days we did some activities and hung out with his friends and things seemed like they would work out. He told me he loved me for the first time, although I already knew it.

We then had our holiday after not seeing each other for a few months, which I guess I didn't see how stressed I was until after it, I felt awful it had not been all magical...I could not relax because i was thinking about what I also had on my plate...my first essay of my new class. It was hard on him and i kept trying to push thoughts of uni away but.. I was freaking out inside.

 

I can't help but feel that I AM the reason I lost this guy. me . He now doesn't trust that stressed me is not the real me and probably feels that not going to change. In fact im not sure he understood the amount of pressure I put myself under in the last year, he didn't know i was stressed- I didn't even know it at the time.

Maybe he felt he wasn't being heard (even though he didn't communicate with me), perhaps he didn't want to upset me? As soon I recognized I was not myself, I made changes immediately, unfortunately it was too late. I now have my stress relievers (dance) and I have a large group of people I can spend time with on the mountain (as opposed to whining about no one) actually its so freaking awesome!!! I had started meeting new people before the break up, and they really have been wonderful through it all.

 

Apologies for second thread, I just feel my thoughts are a bit clearer.

Has anyone here had stress as a factor for break up? How was your situation? How did it end up? Is there any chance of future reconciliation? I am in NC but sometimes want to break it, to let him know I understand. Would this still be a bad idea? I don't want to drag myself back into rejection, and him back into a painful place, but I just wish there was a way of him knowing that I get it. Or is it best to just move on and let any changes speak for themselves.

I guess my internal fight is...tell him...or just shut up, if he wants to talk you have your opportunity then...

 

Nights and mornings are hardest.

[gebaird]

I'm glad you are finding outlets for your stress. It's so important, and can help improve all of your relationships.

 

I totally get where you are coming from when you say nights and mornings are hardest. When I'm going through a breakup, I can handle it if I stay busy or hang out with friends. But the moment I'm alone, the grief hits me full force.

 

Personally, I think not initiating contact is best for now. Even if you tell him you've changed, will he believe you? Even if he believes you, will he come running back? Talking to him may do nothing more than delay your healing, and the chances of a positive outcome seem low at the moment.

[RayF]

Once again Trinity our stories parallel in a lot of ways/ I'm pretty much right where you are right now too.

 

I do agree that reaching out might not be best but I feel you and know why you want to and too talk myself out of that about 12 times a day for the same reasons you do. And everything you read tells you not to do it to move on to starve them of your love, to forget and focus on the future etc. etc. and it makes sense... but I too am struggling with if this is a good idea..

 

In my case I've said many of the things to her you want to say to him... but she was so gone at that point she basically just said I was using them as excuses and blindly ignoring the fact we were "not compatible".

 

I also have been shifting more and more that I am to blame... me and the circumstances. I remember how unwelcoming I was when she moved in with me, she had to quit her job at the same time because of me (we worked together and our secret relationship was on the verge of getting exposed). I was a miserable during that time I'd come home beaten up at work and not talk to her at all when she was sitting there all day no job because of me waiting on her visa for her new job.

 

 

I wish she would see all that was very circumstantial and believe that I know so much more now. I was not sure I was ready to live with someone she changed me on that. I didn't know how my negativity pr brooding affected her, I told

 

I've told her this, she's claimed to have given it two chances but both were so short lived and much of it during long distance.

She aid she appreciates the efforts I put forth but it's not "what I do but who I am that's the problem".

 

Friends, family and my therapist have all said that I was not in the wrong I was a normal human being and the relationship hit a point where it got "too real" for her she was too young, and didn't understand what that meant.

 

Going through this breakup and seeing other girls and jut being totally obsessed with my ex I wonder if she was the same way too given that she met me a month after he dumped her... It makes me question what is real and what isn't.

 

I believe this is the love of my life, she told me she did not feel the same when we left, that I was not hers. Our lifestyles were too different for her. She thought I could be at one point and wanted it to be... I can't shake the fantasy that after not having me in her life for two months she will call me telling me she made a huge mistake... but I also know how prideful she is and that alone is so strong it will allow her to convince herself otherwise even if she does miss me. But also what do I even say when someone is like I don't want your lifestyle... I don't care if you were a great boyfriend, you were but I don't want you...

 

I just wish I understood where that shift in her happened at one point did she realize while I continued to love so hard. What went through her mind to decide she did not want me anymore. How could it have been so unbalanced?

[Wiseman2]

Strong relationships can endure stress. However relationships will break down over time with too many ups and downs and too much dependency or poor communication.

im not sure he understood the amount of pressure I put myself under in the last year.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the one thing both you and Ray and everyone else's stories highlight is perspective.

 

I can experience one thing and the person on the other side of it can experience something else entirely. The so called love of my life left me alone and married someone else after a while. After a time, you accept and move on.

 

Fortunately, there's no ONE person out there for you.

[Trinity11]

I just wish I understood where that shift in her happened at one point did she realize while I continued to love so hard. What went through her mind to decide she did not want me anymore. How could it have been so unbalanced?

 

Yes there are many similarities,including the LD at times except for the young thing. I am so glad someone understands, not much helps but that does. I didnt message, I know its pointless to say I've changed. Just more that I feel that I "hear" what he's been trying to say...or something

 

I was looking at our pics from the road trip telling myself "he's not mine anymore, not now not ever" but then I looked at more and noticed the pattern. I wonder if that was when his shift was, he didn't always feel that way. As there was ups and downs it might have been confusing and no doubt he wanted the ups to never stop, he pretty much said that, but then I'd fall back into negative Trinity.

 

And Yah, it hurts to think there was so little balance, I had been planning fun things an literally wiggled with excitement when he returned, that he had been having totally different thoughts.

 

À friend of mine is visiting, actually someone I dated very briefly as they had to go home. I always said I wanted them to meet as they would get along like crazy. Anyway the friend messaged me to say will he meet my BF tomorrow and I just lost it. It was like a knife. Thank God I'm at home but I'm in a bit of a state.

[Trinity11]

Strong relationships can endure stress. However relationships will break down over time with too many ups and downs and too much dependency or poor communication.

 

I think im screwed here then! Ticked all the boxes. But as I said, at least I have recognised it and it truly wouldn't happen again if I had the chance. What I couldn't control is his communication. I would have to have check ins or something in a non pressure environment/time. But it doesn't look like I'd get that chance. At least not now. Too little too late as they say.

[Trinity11]

I think the one thing both you and Ray and everyone else's stories highlight is perspective.

 

I can experience one thing and the person on the other side of it can experience something else entirely. The so called love of my life left me alone and married someone else after a while. After a time, you accept and move on.

 

Fortunately, there's no ONE person out there for you.

 

How do you ever know things are working ?? Especially if they appear to be? It makes me be too frightened to enter one again to think about this.

I'm just shocked that the person who loved me saw me for all my negatives (in the end).. I'm not certain I have friends who do that, it's really crushing. I'm having trouble accepting there will be no future, for all my distractions, I think that's why alone time is the hardest, that's when I realize, I'm not really getting over it.

 

How is your situation now? Are you with someone new ? Do you even miss that ex? I'm not sure how long ago it was.

[membername]

I think the one thing both you and Ray and everyone else's stories highlight is perspective.

 

I can experience one thing and the person on the other side of it can experience something else entirely. The so called love of my life left me alone and married someone else after a while. After a time, you accept and move on.

 

Fortunately, there's no ONE person out there for you.

 

That's so true.

 

Or here's another perspective maybe there is.. you found someone after correct? So maybe your husband wasn't your love. Maybe he lead you to this relationship ..

 

I thought my husband was meant for me. I haven't met anyone that fully matches the emotion and relationship .... but I hope I do.. and it will be that and better... I think maybe he wasn't my soul mate.. mine is still out there..

 

Silly thought I know.. sometimes I think it's ridiculous and I'll never have again what I had (or THOUGHT I did) in my marriage.. but that would be giving up now wouldn't it..

[Ms Darcy]

How do you ever know things are working ?? Especially if they appear to be? It makes me be too frightened to enter one again to think about this.

I'm just shocked that the person who loved me saw me for all my negatives (in the end).. I'm not certain I have friends who do that, it's really crushing. I'm having trouble accepting there will be no future, for all my distractions, I think that's why alone time is the hardest, that's when I realize, I'm not really getting over it.

 

How is your situation now? Are you with someone new ? Do you even miss that ex? I'm not sure how long ago it was.

 

I think with time and reflection you see the areas of incompatibility, in general. It is just harder to see it now because of the lack of emotional distance.

 

My former guy and I were done about five years ago. Since then, we both got married to people who were better suited to us. In fact, we got married in the same year ... only one month apart.

[Trinity11]

Oh that's kind of nice Ms Darcy!

 

I've had a bit of a distraction the last 36 hours. I have an old flame on town, one that never got past the initial excitement. Anyway id been excited for my ex to meet him one day as I knew they would get along so well so when he messaged asking if hed meet my BF I kinda got choked up. As it turns out he also was broken up with a month prior with a story quite similar but not exactly the same. We had a few beers and he came back to mine. I was reminded of all the good things about him and learned many more as he has matured the last few years. It has been nice hanging out and not worrying about what they think/noy over think as they leave in a few days. We also check in with each other to make sure we are OK. If he had lived in my country I'd definitely be interested in seeing where we might go in future but for now it's just been nice. Really nice. It's def helped keep me distracted !

[Trinity11]

Distraction was one night, it was weird but comforting. He is still in contact and says ok and told me his situation which was not unlike mine. I'm still shocked they broke up but enjoyed remembering how thoughtful and kind he is.

 

I went on a "date" tonight. It was pretty much blind. Bad tinder pics. I was not in the mood but forced myself to get out there.

I had a good night. He is way into ski touring which I know nothing about and he told me lots of stories particularly about new ppl or ppl who are scared and how he wants them to enjoy it so pushes them a little at a time but is thrilled when they go for longer or do something new. He said I can try it without being in avalanche danger in some mellow areas to see if I like it. I'd like to try and had already got some gear in prep for avalanche training.

 

It was just surreal as he knows nothing at all about me and the stories he told just struck me as everything I was missing. Encouragement. I don't see him more than a friend but it was nice to know people that some people out there that want others to avheive

[Trinity11]

I don't know where to write this. Here I guess. So my friend (the distraction of a few days) had been in contact with his ex and broke up the same time as what I did with mine. They are now going on a small trip away and I am still no contact at all on either side with ex. I don't know what is best at this point, I am happy for him, but I also wish that i was given a chance too. Just hit a month of no contact and its been nearly 2 months since BU, I wonder if no contact is best sometimes. Two stubborn people?

I still have dreams about him, last night I was back in Mexico, the last place I was happy with him. But it was also San Diego where i felt frustrated about surfing- the waves were impossible while i was there and I was really looking forward to it and ended up giving up(in reality). In my dream, i tried again and the waves were like they were home in Aus and i was happy. I often try to take photos in dreams but they never turn out. I was trying to take one to send to him. I guess I am still anxious about it all. I can't quite accept it. My hopes are fading.