A problem for future-me.

[ClarkesThird]

G'day ENotAlone,

 

SO. As you can probably guess, my arse got dumped. Happened mid-september 2016, after over 2 years together. I'm 25 this year, she's turning 24 in march. She'd apparently been spitballing it for a while beforehand-at least 4 months-but was still very much invested and wanted us to work.

 

Our reasons for breaking up were...honestly fairly damning. The primary issues were that I was emotionally inexpressive, anxious, negative, and riddled with trust issues. I didn't move in with her when offered, or spend as much time with her as she'd have liked. Furthermore, she turned out to be far more extroverted than I and was frustrated that I didn't want to get out of my shell like she did. When her back injury worsened, leaving her in near-constant pain, I believe that she became tremendously dissatisfied with her life and by extension me and my negativity.

The other reason is evidence of an even greater personal failing.

She became best friends with a "friend" of mine, who was at one point very much in love with me. I'd occasionally in dark moments leaned on that friend's crush as a source of validation. So 4 months into this relationship I'd felt very insecure about myself and my attractiveness, and flirted-bordering-on-sexted this person, culminating in an extended hug that she remembers as an attempted kiss, and a statement that I would if I were single, but I'm not and I don't want to be.

 

Apparently this came out somewhere during the endgame. I'm not certain how much it contributed. But my fear of it becoming known lead me to mistrust their every interaction.

 

Needless to say she has her own problems too, stemming from personal dissatisfaction, poor self esteem and lack of assertiveness. She also told the aforementioned bestie some things about my psychological and medical history which I'd assumed to have been told in confidence. But I acknowledge that my problems were the prime contributors to our breakup.

 

Immediately after we broke up, I set about making positive changes. I got a job, started therapy for the anxiety, re-connected with all manner of old friends, forgave those who'd wronged me and sought forgiveness from those I'd driven away (to great success, it turns out that people are actually pretty great).

 

I've attempted contact a few times, roughly monthly, with interesting stories or interest in her circumstances. Only one, early on, got a response and that was likely just to check that I was alive after the tearful breakup.

 

I went no contact on december 6, with the intention of re-establishing contact some time early this year. On new years day, she unfriended (but not blocked) me on facebook, and I've since learned that she deleted my number from her phone.

 

The plan at present is to remain in radio silence, text her for her birthday (which will be 4 months and change of no contact), and try to reestablish some semblance of rapport then.

 

I'm fully aware that this is not going to work, of course. But I find that I can know this and still have hope/faith at the same time. Emotions are WEEEEEIRD.

 

We're young. She wants to grow and change. So do I. But I and those mutual friends without grudges believe that the people we can be would be wonderful together.

 

Do you have any advice or support beyond "forget her, no contact forever, also IT HAS BEEN 4 MONTHS WHY ARE YOU NOT DATING YET YOU IMBECILE"?

[RainyCoast]

Hast thou tried Wytchcrafte?

 

*sorry, that is the only thing beyond "keep moving on from this" i can think of*

[ClarkesThird]

Hast thou tried Wytchcrafte?

 

*sorry, that is the only thing beyond "keep moving on from this" i can think of*

 

That good, huh?

[RainyCoast]

it didn't sound like it was working very well when you first dated. and now it doesn't sound like she's interested, or even fit to be in a relationship.

 

i mean i get you can't "just get over" people, but why is it a good idea to keep pursuing?

[ClarkesThird]

It actually worked really well. We made each other happy most of the time, there were just aspects of me that ground her down

[ClarkesThird]

but why is it a good idea to keep pursuing?

 

Because I've never met someone that easy to talk to. Because she's smart, funny beautiful and loyal, and we're so compatible in so many ways. Lots of things

[Iggy5129]

It actually worked really well. We made each other happy most of the time, there were just aspects of me that ground her down

 

Yeah it worked well for you. But for her you were not emotionally available, didn't spend time with her and emotionally cheated with a friend of yours. How is that working well? A relationship goes both ways.

 

It's pretty obvious she was fed up with your terrible behavior and has decided to move on. I suggest you do the same and try to learn from this experience.

[abitbroken]

You guys were just incompatible. She was way more extroverted. But really, its more about that she wanted to see you way more than your were comfortable. You were seeking validation. The truth came out when she was disatisfied with life. If you were truly invested in this relationship, you would not have sabotaged it by leaning on the friend in an inappropriate way. I recommend going no contact with her. Please stop contacting her to ask about her circumstances.

 

There is someone out there for you that is not her. You had some growing up to do as well.

 

btw, if a relationship falls apart because someone won't move in - it was not worth it in the first place!