Advice please

[Jack9810]

My ex boyfriend and I dated for a year and it was amazing. We spent a lot of time rogetehr and never fought in person. He was the first person I felt safe with a nd honestly was never happier and he always told me the same thing. We had just celebrated our one year he broke up with me unexpectedly. He told me that we should just be friends and he may be depressed and was confused as to what to do. He told me he came to the decision to break up literally over night. We had been fighting more than usual over unimportant things I should have just let go and I was over thinking too much. Later he told me that I was pushing him away and being distant and said hurtful things to him.. I admit I've been going through a lot of family related stress and have a very difficult time talking about it and get upset over it often. When I'm upset I find I have a short temper and do say things I don't mean if someone makes me mad. It is something I've been working on a lot since the break up almost a month ago. After the break up their was no mean exchange of words at all and we were on good terms. He ended up texting me a week after to tell me he's moved on (which he admitted was a lie and was an attempt to get over me) but was sorry for what he had done. Anyways, he began to text me about two weeks ago and telling me that he's sorry and he misses me but he has some hesitations about getting back together because of what I had done. After a couple days of talking we hung out at his house and watched a movie and it was great.. We talked about everything and we both apologized and it was really good for us both. He told me about his family and how they miss me and it was honestly the first time since the breakup I was happy. He told me then that he does want to get back together with me and still has feelings for me he just doesn't know exactly when, it could be a week or a month. We continued to talk everyday and a couple days after he said he isn't sure about us and that he really does want to be with me but doesn't want the fights or what I said to repeat.. I told him I understand and he said he wants us to stay friends and talk and "see where things go." I understand that he needs time to forgive me and let go of anything I said and I'm okay with that and I'm still improving myself. But it's now been about a week since then and we still talk all day, everyday. We've both been kind of flirty but it's nothing like a relationship. I just don't want to continue this if it really isn't going anywhere and just going to cause more hurt on the end.. I'm confused on when or if I should bring up a relationship again?

[gebaird]

His love for you and his resentment for you are warring with each other. This is a common dynamic in on again/off again relationships (which you may be feeling a bit now that you are in this weird "relationship/non-relationship" space with him). The typical pattern is that when two people are together the conflict and tension build, so they separate. Then they miss each other, so they reconnect -- then the tension begins to build again and the cycle repeats. This can happen inside a relationship, too, as couples connect and emotionally withdraw from each other.

 

There are a number of strategies you can employ at this point, but none are guaranteed to bring him back. One potentially effective but potentially risky strategy is to stop talking to him (blocking him if necessary). This accomplishes two things: it draws a clear line around what you want (a relationship) and what you don't want (the weird "in between" that you now have), and it could give him enough space to realize he wants you back. Or he may decide that the breakup should stick -- but if that's what happens, I think it was probably just a matter of time, and continuing to interact with him will eventually lead to the same result.

 

Whatever happens with the relationship, it's vital to continue working on yourself, as those changes will help you no matter who you are with.

[Kaykayxo]

I think he has made it clear where you stand. It seems like he is definitely holding all the power in the relationship right now. He was the one who ended things and you asking if the two of you will get back together as a couple, though understandable, only places more power in his hands.

 

Men don`t care for all the extra stress and drama that can come with a relationship...it seems very evident he has little tolerance for that behavior. He is clearly still interested but weary of whether things will actually change. If I were you I would just continue about my business for now. Don`t keep pressuring him about a relationship..he already gave you an answer. If you aren`t comfortable with still being in contact and waiting to see where things lead, then you are under no obligation to keep flirting or hanging out. If you truly want to let things flow and see if the two of you can reconcile, just let it be nautral.

 

Also, have you been physical with eachother since the break up? I would also be careful so not to let him have relationship perks without the expectations. It is up to you whether you want to entertain the possibility or if you feel it's best not to put energy into him. Overall the best approach would just be to continue what you've been doing and don't let him have too much power over you.

[Jack9810]

We did kiss when we hungout but that is the only time we've hungout since the break up. He is the one that initiated talking again and brought up getting back together. I haven't brought it up to him at all and leave it up to him to bring it up and talk about it. This is our first break up and the first time it was ever even mentioned though our relationship. Since then we've just continued to talk casually and its honestly been more enjoyable since the break up to talk to each other but I'm not allowing him to see that he has much power over me, except the obvious fact that he knows I still would be with him.

[Jack9810]

I have not brought up us getting back together during this, it was only him. Is it normal for him to have unsure thoughts about us? He isn't talking to anyone else that I'm aware of and neither am I.