He broke up with me, I think....

[lovesparks]

Don't know where to start. I've been dating a man for 9 months and things have been pretty amazing. I have 2 kids, he has none. He has told me from the beginning that he doesn't want his drinking to come between us, and admitted that it has in past relationships. He got a DUi about a year ago, and the drinking has been heavier lately and I would get late night calls from him drunk. He also has been starting to drive drunk a few times.

We've been having sexual problems where he can't ejaculate and is having erection problems (he is on Prozac, drinks a lot, and I think has a porn addiction as he can perform just fine on his own with porn). So i got a drunken call from him one night and he was saying how much he loves me, I'm the one, blah blah blah. Then in the next sentence, he says "oh I watched porn today and had the biggest orgasm". Which was hurtful to me because at that point he hadn't cum with me in a few months. So we got into it over the phone. We worked through the aftermath of that fight, and then a week ago had another fight. We were at his friends' party, and he was already drinking, and one of his friends made a comment to me about how she is surprised at his choice with me, because I'm so not his type and I have kids. So i told him what happened, I felt like he wasn't really listening, and I got upset. I know this wasn't the best time to bring other stuff up, but he's been talking about moving in together and then in the last few weeks he has voiced that we are hanging out too much. which is weird because he's mostly the one to ask me to come over to my house. So I told him I have also been feeling insecure about where we are at and I'm getting mixed signals. So he got up and went outside to smoke, came back in and said he was done, that his drinking will always be a problem for me, and told me to just go. So I did. Didn't hear from him all week then sent him a message and he responded saying he thinks I'm amazing, but he knows his drinking/friends will always be a problem for me and it's just toxic. He said he doesn't see a way for us to stop fighting. So I texted back and asked him if this is really what he wants, if this is really over for him and he won't respond. I called and left a message last night saying I love him. This is all very confusing to me because his mom told me that he just 2 days before breaking up with me had told her he wants to get a house with me and sees himself marrying me. I don't want all that right now because we have only dated 9 months but I really thought he was the one. He is a great guy with a great heart, but he says mean stuff when he's drinking and he doesn't think it's a problem. I know we are very different because I'm used to having kids and doing stuff with them on the weekends, and he is always hung over and unavailable on weekends. I know I can't force him to talk but isn't it strange that he just quit so suddently? He also will not respond to his mom, who he always talks to. She hasn't heard back from him in a week after asking repeatedly if he's ok and letting him know she is worried. What can I do?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Do not expose yourself or your kids to this. He sounds like an alcoholic, you can't fix or change him.

 

He would rather drink than be a decent bf, end it. Go no contact and delete and block him. Save yourself and your kids from this.

I've been dating a man for 9 months and things have been pretty amazing. I have 2 kids, he has none. He got a DUi about a year ago, and the drinking has been heavier lately and I would get late night calls from him drunk. He also has been starting to drive drunk a few times.

We've been having sexual problems where he can't ejaculate and is having erection problems he is on Prozac, drinks a lot he knows his drinking/friends will always be a problem for me and it's just toxic.

[gebaird]

He's an addict engaging in self-destructive and hurtful behavior. It honestly sounds like he's choosing alcohol over you.

 

I would assume this relationship is over. If it's not, then it should be. The only way it could possibly work is if he acknowledges his addiction and seeks help. He doesn't seem anywhere close to doing that.

 

For the sake of your own emotional health and the health and safety of your kids, I think it would be best for you to walk away.

[Hollyj]

Why would you expose your kids to someone who is an alcoholic and porn addict.? Do you really think this is a good role model or life partner? And, then you want to move this guy in! Ugh! Put your children first!

 

Certainly, you can do better than this!

[Capricorn3]

Why would you expose your kids to someone who is an alcoholic and porn addict.? Do you really think this is a good role model or life partner? And, then you want to move this guy in! Ugh! Put your children first!

Totally agree. Nothing more to add.

[lovesparks]

Thanks for the replies. It's so hard when you've grown emotionally attached and saw a possible future with someone. I know he needs help for his alcohol problem, and I guess I need to accept that he is playing the blame game where its just me who has a problem with his alcohol use, even though there are clear indicators he has a problem. How do I work on letting go now? I keep wanting to text and call him, and stupidly last night I left a voicemail saying I love him. I need to stop throwing myself at someone who clearly doesn't want me. I also just think it's plain hurtful to just not talk to me for over a week. How do I accept that I just may not have closure here? I mean things were a little rock right before this but the fight at the party where I got dumped in front of all his friends was very unexpected.

[Hollyj]

You are missing the big picture, here! He is not a good or healthy match for you or your children!!!!! He is toxic, and has addiction problems He does not want to change.

 

I suggest that you get some therapy! You need to block and delete. Remove this person from your life.

 

Put your kids first. He is not good for them!

[RainyCoast]

he responded saying he thinks I'm amazing, but he knows his drinking/friends will always be a problem for me and it's just toxic. He said he doesn't see a way for us to stop fighting. So I texted back and asked him if this is really what he wants, if this is really over for him and he won't respond.

 

he is right.

 

when an addict is being more realistic than yourself, you need to slow down and put your reason before your feelings.

 

also, are you contacting his mother? stop.

[lovesparks]

No, she's been contacting me, which I guess I need to put a stop to.

[Ms Darcy]

You might want to look into codependency as well. When the toxicity feels good, it's time to self examine.

[Wiseman2]

Closure is looking at your children's sweet faces and saying to yourself "I won't expose you or myself to this alcoholic". When he kills a child with his drunk driving you will thank yourself for getting out early and coming to your senses that someone who treats you like an afterthought, calls you while drunk, etc. is not worth your time, no less "amazing".

I know he needs help for his alcohol problem.I need to stop throwing myself at someone who clearly doesn't want me. How do I accept that I just may not have closure here?