What Are My Chances of Getting Her Back?

[Yhwh90]

I (26yo) was in a long distance relationship with my ex (28yo with a 5yo child) since April 2014 and ended in December 2016 (I broke with her a few days before Christmas). It was a long distance relationship (she was in NJ and I in NY). We both decided shortly after meeting to go back to school and had our eyes set to the future and we inspired each other. Unfortunately I did not consider applying to schools in NJ and applied only to schools in NY. I had nothing against going to school in NJ it just never struck me to try that and we also hadn’t established a timeline to move in together someday so we were basically going off of pure faith and love, which now I see is not enough, but we were naive and in love, and had never been in a LDR, so we overlooked it. I began school in September 2016 in NY and took out a loan for it so I was basically stuck in NY for the full year of the loan at least, therefore moving to NJ would have been overreaching for me. Because she has a son moving from NJ would be a big sacrifice considering her family helps with the child, so I totally understand that it is I who should’ve made the move.

 

Fast forward to around November 2016 she became disillusioned and grew more distant, and we lacked communication but I was so overwhelmed with things on my end (full-time student taking chem, bio, and calculus in one semester; lease was about to be up so I had to begin looking for places to move in NY because I’d still have to at least complete the Spring semester in NY; had to find a job after fall semester; now I had to deal with an increasingly distant girlfriend), that I don’t think I responded well under all the pressure. Now that school is done, I’ve moved in with my parents to save up money and since we broke up I didn’t quite need a place for privacy anymore, got a job that works with school and pays well, and I can now see that I made rash decisions, because my mind was just saturated. When she became distant I realize now that I became pretty needy for 2ish weeks (I would text and she would ignore my texts for long periods of time and finally reply, wouldn't call me unless I called her late at night because I would wait to see if she made a move), but when I finally opened my eyes and saw no reciprocation I slowly began to distance myself too until I went no contact (early December) for 2 weeks then I broke it off a few days before Christmas because I just got fed up waiting for her to make up her mind. A week after the break up (right before New Years) I sent her a heartfelt letter extending gratitude and telling her to not give up on her dream and to remember how we inspired each other to follow a path to achieving our career goals, I thanked her for being my soulmate (regret saying this), and I had sent in the envelope a necklace and earrings that were meant to be her Christmas gift and told her to use it as a memento for when times get rough hopefully she’ll remember what we set out to achieve together and that would encourage her. Unfortunately I now see that sending the letter might’ve been too much and might have seemed needy (again!) but given I was simply thanking her and wishing her a great future, not begging, asking, or telling her I'd wait to come back together, I did not see it as me being needy at the time (though she might see it that way). Did all that neediness ruin my chances of reconciliation?

 

She responded to the break up saying that I had the strength she didn’t have (as in I broke it off and she just wasn’t able to). I know we are both deeply in love with each other and now that I’ve had more time to think I believe things should’ve been done differently. I’m currently in no contact but what do I do if after a certain period I still want her back and she hasn’t reached out? I was thinking about applying to schools in NJ now just in case if we work things out then we’ll have set plans for me moving over to NJ and continuing school and work there but with her this time, but I decided not to because it would cause me to continue putting value in what could be rather than simply moving on.

 

I know I’d be willing to make the move to NJ should we reconcile so that’s not a problem, but how do I go about this now? I don’t want to overwhelm her or look too needy and I also want to strengthen myself physically, mentally, and emotionally before we meet so that I’m the same guy she fell head over heels for, and tempered with the experience of the breakup and stronger for us. I know we both never loved anyone as we loved each other, I’m confident in saying this, but I know I can no longer reach out to her and I intend to remain in NC until she reaches out.

 

I've begun hanging out and meeting new people already, taking guitar lessons, got a job that pays well while I'm in school full-time, bought new clothes, haircut, etc. How should I go about using facebook and instagram to get her to realize that I'm fine without her, and that everything I did, including the needy stuff was simply me fighting for something that I thought was worth fighting for? I realize NC is meant to heal myself but there's no other way for her to see how well I'm doing considering we're far from each other. I intend to move on but this is all about IF after time in NC I want to try getting back together without bothering her.

 

Sorry for the long post, and thanks for those who read, but I thought the more in depth, the more info you have to work with. Feel free to ask questions that I might not have answered on here. Any ideas?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like no matter what you would have done, the relationship ran it's course due to distance, life stages and other factors. Continue NC but delete and block her from social media. keep doing what you are doing to heal and move forward.

I (26yo) was in a long distance relationship with my ex (28yo with a 5yo child).Did all that neediness ruin my chances of reconciliation? I've begun hanging out and meeting new people already, taking guitar lessons, got a job that pays well while I'm in school full-time, bought new clothes, haircut, etc.

[Yhwh90]

I actually decided to break up with her because I got fed up but more importantly because I realized that at that moment I was not capable of closing the distance between us and considering she had a child waiting for me as a father-figure would have been unbearable. It just sucks because we've both been in our fair share of bad relationships but this was the first in which we promised each other that we would always love one another, that we were each other's soulmates and we meant it completely.

 

But yes I completely understand that I have to move on, and IF in the future she walks into my life or I walk into hers and the spark is reignited then we can take it from there. But I had exhausted all my resources and had no more to give, which is I think why I even dipped in neediness, something I've never done before.

 

Thank you for the honest reply.

[HeartGoesOn]

How should I go about using facebook and instagram to get her to realize that I'm fine without her, and that everything I did, including the needy stuff was simply me fighting for something that I thought was worth fighting for? I realize NC is meant to heal myself but there's no other way for her to see how well I'm doing considering we're far from each other.

^

I was pretty much with you, until reading the (above) statement. I would advise you not to use social media as a means to send either direct or indirect messages to an ex, as it's likely to be taken as a sign of immaturity, etc.

 

Although it's a tough pill to swallow, if she wants to get back together she knows how to reach you.

[Yhwh90]

I see... I'll move on not holding on to hope to help myself heal. If our love truly was the greatest kind of love then she'll come back, but it's all on her.

 

Thank you for the honesty, I'll avoid using social media to send messages.

[shiner501]

^

Although it's a tough pill to swallow, if she wants to get back together she knows how to reach you.

^^^^

This is the bottom line that so many on ENA just do not seem to get. If she WANTED to reconcile, she would contact you as such. And she hasn't. There are no mind games going off in the dumper's mind. If she regretted it and wanted you back she would tell you. And she hasn't. That tells you everything you need to know. It could not be clearer.