Walking in cursed circles...

[BlueLily]

I just feel so miserable that i disnt know where else to vent anymore...

 

I really looked forward to college and then college came and was ty.

Finally i have a normal work shedule but im still constantly tired and cant keep up with my hobbies. I still havent lost the weight i gained when i entered college 3 years ago. Yes 3 damn years its been ! Im finishing up now on college and as much as the paper im gonna get excites me ...i regret this.

 

I feel so empty, so depressed so much worse and much more lost.

 

Not only am i constantly exhausted i also keep doing the same mistakes although i try so hard not to.

 

Every once in a while i feel like "i really want a friend, a good dear friend. A friend who i could share everything with, someone who understands me,supports me, who i can burry with my love and who would love me back" (i do have a bf but i mean friend here)

So i go out of my shell, over the walla i build and bear the anxiety to speak to people. I visit courses, go to events and public places. The introvert in me begging me for mercy,when i actually meet with people, go out and chat with.

 

But never have i gained a friend. Not a real one, not a fun one, not one that would actually try too (or so it feels) to make this relationship work and be special. It ends in quiet agreement that we wont talk or meet again and ... In me accepting my solitude gratefully....until im lonely and desperate again.

 

Every once in a while i feel like i really want to break out of the "good girl" patterns. I seek excitement and appreciation the only way i know how to.... And i cheat on my beloved boyfriend with online roleplay and sexting.

Feeling high by it at first, feeling energized and alive until the reality and guilt hit me and i hate myself even worse than before.

I went to free councelors who let me talk a lot but never seemed to understand ( some of them even saying they dont understand me). I went to sex-love-addict groups thinking i might belong there, but all the up and downs still didnt made me feel like i changed, like i realized something new about me or gained new strenght.

 

I havent done anything remotelly "cheating" like in over a year but then i just snapped again. Like i wasnt even me.

I wanted friends, forced myself to be outgoing, trying hard not to show my fear. And didnt enjoy it the tiniest ...just wanted more. The only fun i had were inappropriate touches in crowded places - which did only a tiny bit help my "i am ugly and no guy wants me" problem.

I tried to forget. I was staying home now, didnt force any "friends" to be friends and also tried to not be naughty. Still yesterday i blanked again.

 

The only person i talked with is busy and rather spents her time otherwise than talking to me. I cant talk to anyone and im scared i will end up talking to some online guys again.

 

my boyfriend cuddled me but i still feel lost and lonely. He is great in so many ways but i cant even phrase what i want and even less i expect him to be anyhow able to help me

I feel so stupid and weak....

And no i cant afford therapy and all the books i read just also drive me in circles.

 

I know all i do is false, i know whatever i seek wont fix the hole in my heart but i cant help but do the only way i know how to feel good. ( i do have a ton of very fun enjoyable hobbies but i "dont care" about them anymore because im still alone and noone else cares)

[gebaird]

I'm sure it took a lot of courage to write so openly here about your struggles. I honor your vulnerability.

 

It sounds to me like you are just lonely, missing something in your life that you can't quite put your finger on -- so you try to escape with online fantasy-interactions, but it leaves you feeling emptier than before, as escapes often do.

 

You know you matter, right? As a human being, I mean. Your existence may be far from satisfying, but there is a purpose for it. Perhaps you don't know it yet, but I hope you will in time. Perhaps you can't see your worth, but that doesn't mean you have none.

 

Those free counselors don't have the training to be able to help you (it's a reflection on THEM that they don't understand you, not a reflection on you). Those books that haven't helped were perhaps simply the wrong books for you. Just because you haven't found a way to overcome the feelings you are struggling with doesn't mean a solution doesn't exist. It just means you haven't found it yet.

 

I've struggled with some of the things you mentioned -- the emptiness that can't be filled, the recurring loneliness. In my experience it's a lifelong journey to find the combination of solutions to address my issues. There isn't "one thing" that can instantly fix me, but rather a series of things that I need to understand. It's still an ongoing process, but I've made a lot of progress. For me, the key is to keep searching, to focus on self-understanding and self-compassion as I learn from each of my mistakes.

[BlueLily]

Thank you for replying. It really helped me today to hear that.

I'm sure it took a lot of courage to write so openly here about your struggles. I honor your vulnerability.

 

It sounds to me like you are just lonely, missing something in your life that you can't quite put your finger on -- so you try to escape with online fantasy-interactions, but it leaves you feeling emptier than before, as escapes often do.

 

You know you matter, right? As a human being, I mean. Your existence may be far from satisfying, but there is a purpose for it. Perhaps you don't know it yet, but I hope you will in time. Perhaps you can't see your worth, but that doesn't mean you have none.

 

Those free counselors don't have the training to be able to help you (it's a reflection on THEM that they don't understand you, not a reflection on you). Those books that haven't helped were perhaps simply the wrong books for you. Just because you haven't found a way to overcome the feelings you are struggling with doesn't mean a solution doesn't exist. It just means you haven't found it yet.

 

I've struggled with some of the things you mentioned -- the emptiness that can't be filled, the recurring loneliness. In my experience it's a lifelong journey to find the combination of solutions to address my issues. There isn't "one thing" that can instantly fix me, but rather a series of things that I need to understand. It's still an ongoing process, but I've made a lot of progress. For me, the key is to keep searching, to focus on self-understanding and self-compassion as I learn from each of my mistakes.

[Wiseman2]

You were in a relationship since age 13 and 5 of those years hadn't met each other and were long distance?

 

Are you still 2 broke students living together in his country?

 

It sounds like you are estranged from him emotionally and sexually.

Im 22. In a relationdship since 9 years. With my first boyfriend. And pretty happy, though i know i have issues and i mentioned it before and yes there are some things that made people claim i should perhaps leave him.

[BlueLily]

To all of these questions the answer is yes but how does that help me?

 

I dont think its his fault nor that any other guy would fix me better. And judging by common psychology me wanting to be desired doesnt even have anything to do with wanting to be desired.

The most common reply to this all is saying i need more confidence-but i dont know where u can buy that.

 

You were in a relationship since age 13 and 5 of those years hadn't met each other and were long distance?

 

Are you still 2 broke students living together in his country?

 

It sounds like you are estranged from him emotionally and sexually.