Girlfriend says she will contact me in a week, and that she needs time to hersel

[Billson91]

My girlfriend of 5 months told me 2 days ago that she needs time to herself and that she will message me in a week. I'm worried that she no longer loves me. She said to me that we don't really talk when we're together, although we do, but we had a small argument during the week and we're always hesitant to talk to eachother for a few days after. It was only last week that we were laughing and talking in my bed, hungover (it was New Year's Day) and taking silly pictures of eachother, and then on the Monday we took her brother out for lunch. On the Tuesday she stayed at mine, we had a really nice time together for a few days, then we had our small argument before she left on the Wednesday. I went to see her on the Thursday and it was quite awkward (because of the said little argument) and then on Friday it was still awkward. I took her into town in the afternoon and she seemed quite closed off to me (body language) I asked if we were ok, in which she replied with she doesn't know, then I asked if she still loved me in which she replied the same, although a few minutes later she said "of course I love you". We were both in tears parked outside my house, and I can't really remember what we said as it's now a blur. I messaged her on Facebook and she said "I'll message you in a week, I just need time for myself". I spoke to her best friend last night about it and my girlfriend had told her friend that we've broken up, but I'm clinging to the chance that she only said that cos her head is still spinning and she's not really thought it through yet. Surely we can't end our relationship just like that? I've met her parents numerous times and she's met mine, we stay round each others houses all the time and she even has a key to my house, I've met both her brothers and she's met mine, I would class this as a serious relationship. I'm just hoping she hasn't made up her mind already and is just waiting a week to finish things properly? Or is she just seeing what life is like without me in it? Should I message her just a small message saying I miss and love her, but I don't expect a reply? The past two days have been hell for me. Thanks for any replies

[gebaird]

I don't think contacting her is a good idea right now. Although it's hell, respect her request and trust that she will contact you when the week she asked for is over.

 

Perhaps what seemed like a small argument to you was something bigger to her. Who normally does the apologizing after an argument? Is the conflict resolved, or just swept under the rug? How often do such things happen?

 

A relationship is no better than its worst moment. Even if a lot of good things are happening, there is something called emotional memory that causes all the bad stuff to come to the surface when there is an argument or incident. Who, of the two of you, has the strong personality? If it's you, then you may inadvertently be overshadowing her or not listening to her needs.

 

When she talks to you in 5 days, be humble and open-minded and ready for anything. Ask her with the intent to listen how it feels to be in a relationship with you, and don't defend yourself or make excuses -- just listen and apologize, express your desire to improve and ask (but don't beg) for another chance. If she says no, graciously let her go.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What are the arguments about? without fixing that it's not going to go the distance. 5 mos of dating is the time some stuff starts to emerge. Don't send anything. Give her the space and let her contact you. Stop doing end runs and talking to her friends.

[imdar3ald3al]

Here's what you do. (My gut instinct tells me she is going to break up with you).

 

1. Chances are she is going to break up with you. The space is designed for her to emotionally detach and brace herself. Her friend says it happened already, and she's already planning on it. This is good! Brace yourself because most men get blindsided, but you know what to expect.

2. When she drops the ax, tell her you understand. DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL. 90% plus men do. DO NOT CRY. DO NOT BEG. DO NOT PLEAD. etc. It's extremely hard to fight it, but when we men get broken up with, we get desperate and go into "separation anxiety mode". It's unattractive, and if you ever want her back, these kinds of behaviors are essentially digging your own grave.

3. If she's made up her mind, there is nothing you can say or do to convince her otherwise at this point. Trust me, if you can control your emotions and graciously let her leave, you will super happy about it later. If not, you will regret it. Always keep your cool. It's attractive.

4. Do not tell her you love her, no feelings, none of that. Just tell her you care about her and wish her the best. She doesn't deserve your sappy emotions at this point and if you're pretty much done, it will only push her away more. Trust me.

5. If she asks to be your friend after she drops the ax, tell her something like "No. I need time to heal". Most often times they don't really want to be friends, or they aren't ready. If she asks you to be friends, it usually means one if not several of the following:

 

a. she's trying to lessen her guilt about the break up, but this is very selfish.

b. she's into someone else and wants to string you along in case it doesn't work out. Have self respect! You are not a "plan b"/consolation prize and no matter how much you love her, you deserve someone who values you and won't leave once the going gets rough.

c. she wants to use you as an emotional crutch. this will give you false hope espec. if she never wants to reconcile. once again, very selfish.

d. she honestly wants and thinks post-break up friendships work. sometimes it does, but if there's love there, it never happens right away.

 

The reason is irrelevant. Just say "No" if she asks to be your friend. She won't like it, but she will respect you and your value will increase. If she decides to leave, she can feel the full effect of it and not just have you on the side to comfort her. Your responsibility is you if she leaves! Not her!

 

Lastly, and most importantly, apply the NO CONTACT rule (search this here and on google). Remember, it's for YOU. Most people do it to manipulate the ex, but that is a side effect. You must better yourself and adjust to being without her. If you do this right, and she never comes back, you'll have moved on. If she does come back, you'll have moved on. Win-win! But if you haven't and she tries to come back, I recommend you don't let her back in. HOWEVER, if you love her still, then do not make it easy for her. She has to show you how she's changed etc. You are not a revolving door.

 

Once again, this all assumes she leaves you. If you take my advice, you will feel happy in the long run. You are strong, and if not, fake it til you make it! Do not feel tempted to send her a long sappy letter of emotions, text her, etc. It will only make her run further. Assuming she leaves, just let her go and better yourself. If she contacts you again, keep looking up stuff on here and loveshack.org to determine how to handle things.

 

Best of luck.

[ShatteredMan]

Here's what you do. (My gut instinct tells me she is going to break up with you).

 

1. Chances are she is going to break up with you. The space is designed for her to emotionally detach and brace herself. Her friend says it happened already, and she's already planning on it. This is good! Brace yourself because most men get blindsided, but you know what to expect.

2. When she drops the ax, tell her you understand. DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL. 90% plus men do. DO NOT CRY. DO NOT BEG. DO NOT PLEAD. etc. It's extremely hard to fight it, but when we men get broken up with, we get desperate and go into "separation anxiety mode". It's unattractive, and if you ever want her back, these kinds of behaviors are essentially digging your own grave.

3. If she's made up her mind, there is nothing you can say or do to convince her otherwise at this point. Trust me, if you can control your emotions and graciously let her leave, you will super happy about it later. If not, you will regret it. Always keep your cool. It's attractive.

4. Do not tell her you love her, no feelings, none of that. Just tell her you care about her and wish her the best. She doesn't deserve your sappy emotions at this point and if you're pretty much done, it will only push her away more. Trust me.

5. If she asks to be your friend after she drops the ax, tell her something like "No. I need time to heal". Most often times they don't really want to be friends, or they aren't ready. If she asks you to be friends, it usually means one if not several of the following:

 

a. she's trying to lessen her guilt about the break up, but this is very selfish.

b. she's into someone else and wants to string you along in case it doesn't work out. Have self respect! You are not a "plan b"/consolation prize and no matter how much you love her, you deserve someone who values you and won't leave once the going gets rough.

c. she wants to use you as an emotional crutch. this will give you false hope espec. if she never wants to reconcile. once again, very selfish.

d. she honestly wants and thinks post-break up friendships work. sometimes it does, but if there's love there, it never happens right away.

 

The reason is irrelevant. Just say "No" if she asks to be your friend. She won't like it, but she will respect you and your value will increase. If she decides to leave, she can feel the full effect of it and not just have you on the side to comfort her. Your responsibility is you if she leaves! Not her!

 

Lastly, and most importantly, apply the NO CONTACT rule (search this here and on google). Remember, it's for YOU. Most people do it to manipulate the ex, but that is a side effect. You must better yourself and adjust to being without her. If you do this right, and she never comes back, you'll have moved on. If she does come back, you'll have moved on. Win-win! But if you haven't and she tries to come back, I recommend you don't let her back in. HOWEVER, if you love her still, then do not make it easy for her. She has to show you how she's changed etc. You are not a revolving door.

 

Once again, this all assumes she leaves you. If you take my advice, you will feel happy in the long run. You are strong, and if not, fake it til you make it! Do not feel tempted to send her a long sappy letter of emotions, text her, etc. It will only make her run further. Assuming she leaves, just let her go and better yourself. If she contacts you again, keep looking up stuff on here and loveshack.org to determine how to handle things.

 

Best of luck.

 

I hate to say it but as someone who's been through this, Wiseman and imdar3ald3al are right on the money in terms of what to expect and what you should do.

 

More than likely, she is preparing to leave. Know this, be ready for it and start preparing your mind and heart.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HER: No texts, no calls, no FB stalking, no drive-bys. If she does the friendzone move, do not accept this. Tell her that you want a romantic relationship with her or you want space to heal.

 

Immediately start working on yourself to be a better man for the next woman in your life. It's taken me 5 months but I've done this work and ended up with someone that is a better person all around than my ex.

 

1) If you don't belong to a gym, start going to one. If you don't know anything about working out (like 80% of all people), get a trainer. DO NOT TELL HER THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS. JUST GO AND DO IT ON YOUR OWN. (She will not be impressed if she thinks you are doing this all to impress her instead of doing it for yourself or someone else)

2) Start hanging out with your buddies as much as possible but do not discuss this situation with them. As someone who drove some friends nuts whining about my ex, its better that you don't do this.

3) If you feel like you're going out of your mind, don't want to do anything but stay inside, if this starts affecting school/work/productivity: Go see a therapist. It will help and there's nothing wrong with this. It's much better than talking to friends or family.

4) Go do something that you haven't done in a while.

5) Reach out to old friends that you haven't seen in a while. (DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT THIS SITUATION)

6) Fire up the dating profiles, start going on dates. If your game is weak, I suggest checking out Corey Wayne's site.

 

Good luck with it. Stay strong. Let us know how you're doing.

[Billson91]

Well it turns out we are breaking up. She's coming round on Saturday to talk, hopefully I can find out when she stopped being happy etc. And if I've done anything wrong (she mentioned I hadn't). It's just so hard not contacting her, I'm desperately trying not to be that Whiny ex-bf. This was the first relationship for both of us and we were very much in love, it just feels like that it's ending for no reason. I honestly feel like that she's just not in love with me anymore and it's killing me. She only really has a couple friends and they're going skiing tomorrow without her so she's going to be alone until Saturday which makes me even more upset. The thought of her already being over me keeps going around in my head too. This is hell.

[imdar3ald3al]

Chill out and follow my advice along with that of Shattered man. Trust me, there is no way in hell a girl who dates someone for five months is going to get over you quickly, even if she is in a relationship the day after the break up. There's no need to worry. Just hang in and follow my advice. You will be very happy about it in the long run if you can keep your cool and keep your dignity.

 

And stop taking responsibility for her happiness. She's the one leaving you, so it's time to make yourself your number one priority. Who cares if she is going to be alone, what about you? If she cared enough about you like you do her, she would work things out instead of leave, but she isn't, so stop giving her your unwarranted care and have some self-respect.

[ShatteredMan]

Just keep re-reading what we've told you here. Its going to take some time and distance but you'll get through this.