We're trying again - told him I kissed someone

[RedRidingHood]

My partner and I were together for 5 years. We broke it off(first time we have ever split up, he admitted it breaking off was down to the way he acted and treated me) I tried begging, trying pleading to get him to come back he wasn't having any of it. This went on for 3 and half months, during these 3 months, we had on off bad and good contact, he was planning on going on dates, downloading tinder, speaking to other girls, telling me all this ect. Cut long story short, one day he blocks me on everything, tells me he doesn't want any contact from me and we are never getting back together, 2 weeks after this happens, after being heart broken and down during this entire period, I went to a pub and kissed a guy, nothing more or less, meant nothing and wasn't even pleasant. A week later, my ex gets back in contact with me, we end up meeting up and decided we're going to give it another try, I do the honest thing and tell him I don't want any lies or secrets and I did kiss someone, but it meant nothing. He then gets really upset saying it meant something to him, I understand why he's upset but he wasn't giving me any indication we were getting back together, he's now giving me the impression he's having second thoughts about us getting back together, which I don't think is fair because what was I meant to do. I personally feel that he didn't think I'd do anything like that, he wasn't afraid to lose me because I was chasing after him and never gave him a reason to think he'd lose me.

 

I do want us to be together and feel like I may have ruined this, any advice on about to approach this situation, I messaged him saying I'll give him time to think and then get back to me. I just need some advice on what to do, I feel guilty even though I didn't do anything wrong.

[Batya33]

I think that he has the impression you (over) shared about the kiss to get some kind of revenge or to see his reaction. It wasn't cheating and meant nothing and didn't expose him to a health risk so of course you keep it secret -you really mean you keep no secrets at all - you have no private space, no private part of your life, ever? I doubt it. And as far as "lies" -if he asked you if you kissed someone else while you were apart then you could tell him "that's my business what happened when we were apart" or you could tell him - but he didn't ask you -so it's not a lie -you're confusing honesty with sharing private information.

 

Tell him you made a mistake by telling him because you realize now you were just upset and frustrated about him ignoring you and you wanted to show him how you'd moved on and kissed someone else. Tell him you know that wasn't a mature thing to do.

[Tanzi]

I personally feel that he didn't think I'd do anything like that, he wasn't afraid to lose me because I was chasing after him and never gave him a reason to think he'd lose me..

 

You are probably right there.

 

Regardless of that, however, your relationship wasn't in a good place before the kiss. What you both need is some time apart so that you can reflect on the relationship and why things were going wrong in the first place. It will give you both the opportunity to let your emotions settle and thus be able to think more clearly. It you will also be giving yourselves the chance to work out whether you really miss each other or whether being apart isn't so bad after all and that perhaps you have just been hanging on to each other out of habit or because you fear being alone.

 

So, how have things been left between you? Although the title says you are, I'm not sure from your actual post whether you are back together again or not.

[RedRidingHood]

He did ask that's why I told him, sorry I didn't include that in the information

[RedRidingHood]

So, how have things been left between you? Although the title says you are, I'm not sure from your actual post whether you are back together again or not.

We agreed to get back together and see each other, but he needs time to think, I fear he's having second thoughts now though!

[Tanzi]

We agreed to get back together and see each other, but he needs time to think, I fear he's having second thoughts now though!

 

So which one is it? Are you back together, just "seeing" each other (which sounds more casual) or is he taking time out to think? Sounds like he's asking for all three!! It's going to get a tad confusing if you don't know where you really stand. He needs to be more clear on what he wants .... either to make it work together or time apart.

[Clio]

You should be having some very serious second thoughts of your own. As far as the kiss goes you did NOTHING wrong. He had blocked you and told you that you were never getting back. You really need to take a step back and think whether you want such an entitled conceited jerk as a partner. He keeps mistreating you. You have invested half a decade on this relationship yet he keeps mistreating you and has no trouble throwing it all away time after time? You really need to reconsider whether he merits a second chance. The relationship failed despite 5 years of investment and what broke you up is still there. His self-centreness is still there. Is wasting more time on him a good idea?

[RedRidingHood]

So which one is it? Are you back together, just "seeing" each other (which sounds more casual) or is he taking time out to think? Sounds like he's asking for all three!! It's going to get a tad confusing if you don't know where you really stand. He needs to be more clear on what he wants .... either to make it work together or time apart.

 

When we met up he said he wants to go back out with me, I told him I'm scared in case he hurts me again and don't want to go straight back in to a serious relationship, but I want us to see each other, go on dates, talk ect, while still having our own personal time and space, I just don't understand why he is this upset over it, I think it's because I kissed someone and he didn't, even though he had the full intention of doing so, I messaged him saying I'm giving him time but I think his ego is damaged.

[TheT]

You didnt do anything wrong. Do you really think he was up to nothing all that time apart while on tinder? Not fair of him at all. Ask him about what hes been up to and then ask him if its fair to judge you, given youre very G rated activity compared to his. Not saying it cant work out, just that it wont if he cant see that youve done nothing wrong here given the circumstances

[Batya33]

When we met up he said he wants to go back out with me, I told him I'm scared in case he hurts me again and don't want to go straight back in to a serious relationship, but I want us to see each other, go on dates, talk ect, while still having our own personal time and space, I just don't understand why he is this upset over it, I think it's because I kissed someone and he didn't, even though he had the full intention of doing so, I messaged him saying I'm giving him time but I think his ego is damaged.

 

I think the issue here is that you two are not right together - his actions are not consistent with a serious relationship and he knows your routine is to chase him and beg him to come back -that's not much of a turn on for him and on top of that you were doing that despite him not treating you properly. What I would do is move on and it's possible that in years down the line he will mature and be ready for a serious relationship with you and to treat you properly and with respect. But that's not going to happen now or in the near future.

[Tanzi]

When we met up he said he wants to go back out with me, I told him I'm scared in case he hurts me again and don't want to go straight back in to a serious relationship, but I want us to see each other, go on dates, talk ect, while still having our own personal time and space, I just don't understand why he is this upset over it, I think it's because I kissed someone and he didn't, even though he had the full intention of doing so, I messaged him saying I'm giving him time but I think his ego is damaged.

 

OK, so you wanted to take things slow .... that's understandable. Did he say he wanted to get back together before or after the kiss? I don't think (in the long run anyway - when he's had time to think) it will change whether or not he wants to get back with you. Like you said, it is likely that his ego is damaged and he has to "get over" what you have told him. At the end of the day, he continued to push you away. He can only push so much before you finally go your own way. This is on him.

 

All that being said, I think the kiss has become too much of a focus instead of the issues that lead to the break-up in the first place.

[offthegrid]

To offer a guy's perspective...

 

It's true that you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, it means something that you even told him about the kiss in the first place. But I understand how it would hurt him. Even though he had no right to expect loyalty after breaking up with you, it still hurts to hear that someone you have spent so much time with would abandon it in a manner of weeks. Again, you didn't do anything wrong, it's just that I can see why he feels that way.

 

Ultimately, it's immature to just throw you out of his life and still hold you up to certain expectations. That's something he needs to deal with. You setting your own boundaries and showing him what you will and won't tolerate (through your actions, not your words) might help him realize this. But if you do decide to work it out, it wouldn't hurt to be sympathetic to how he feels about this. Because despite it not being rational, it's still a feeling he has. I'm sure he'll be able to get over it, so long as you talk maturely about it and leave the melodramatic language to the side.

[Rising100]

You both did wrong.

He starts looking around what else is there and you go to bars and kiss a guy? Cmon make up your minds, if you are going to stay together or end it for good. But these things when you break up and get back together over and over always end up like this. Its an emotional roller coaster. Why do people have to go find someone as soon as a relationship ends, what happened to getting yourself back together all on your own?

[GeekLover]

Why do people have to go find someone as soon as a relationship ends, what happened to getting yourself back together all on your own?

 

I'm not sure she was looking to "find someone" necessarily, just experimenting. I also just had a very similar experience to this. He asked me to not contact him anymore, we're over and never going to reconcile, blah, blah...so what am I left to do?

 

Move my life forward.

 

However I choose to do this is my choice-a choice that is being made without considering him because the truth of the matter is, what I do is no longer his business and I should not be considering the impact my decisions have on him. He lost those privileges when he told me it was over and we would never reconcile.

 

I think if part of her journey to move forward in life involves seeing what it's like to kiss another guy after being faithful to her boyfriend for 5 years, then so be it.

 

Break ups are messy. Finding your bearings again will be messy too. Until he comes back and wants to commit to an exclusive relationship with you again, I say explore, and have fun finding yourself again!

[albie]

I have to show you some tough love here.

 

Please have some respect for yourself. You begged him to come back and he blocked you. Then he has audacity to feel bad about the fact that you kissed someone else??? You are right about his mindset. The fact that you were chasing him after the breakup convinced him that you can be his backup option. He is probably thinking that you can never get someone quicker and better than him. By kissing someone, you have put a fear in his mind. You have been honest and told him what you did. This is admirable on your part. He should appreciate you for this rather than throwing his toys out of the pram.

 

He dumped you and he should be the one doing all the chasing and courting. Please value yourself and don't ever beg to an ex who dumped you. The day you start dating some other guy, there is high chance that your ex will start chasing you. As for the current situation, I would leave the ball in his court. Say to him that " I have been honest with you and told you everything and if you feel bad about it then I can't do anything now. You blocked me and for me that was the end of it. I really like you and want to be with you. So, give me a call if you want to go on a date sometime?" That's it. I would advise your to work on yourself and date if things don't work with this guy.