GF cuts herself and I don't know what to do

[Jarren22]

Hi my gf of 6 months cuts herself. We are both in our 20s living together, I know she had depression issues before we started dating and that was fine, but now after 6 months she cut herself for the first time after we had an argument. I was shocked when I saw her arm and I didn't know what to do, but I stayed and talked to her about it and she said it is just my way of coping with emotional issues. I said okay and told her how I felt about that particular way of coping

 

Which is awful because all my life growing up people around me hurt themselves and have attempted to kill themselves so as of now I have no sympathy for people who do that and if I didn't love her so much I know that I would have left because I don't want that in my life.

 

We talked about t and resolved our problem after and then it was all good for about a week or two until today when she got mad at me because I don't give her enough attention and she feels like the relationship is one sided, (we both go to college and have jobs which makes it difficult to set time aside for us but I try my best.) In our arguement she continued saying stuff like you're like my past relationships and I haven't been happy,(in her last relationship she tried to kill herself) so when I hear that I think I ed up and I don't know what to do.

 

Also when we talked about this arguement she told me I wasn't doing what I was supposed to in an argument, she would insult me and tell me to not touch her and then tell me after the argument is done and she is at work that you should have hugged me and that I didn't do anything to show that I cared. I'm so dam confused as to what I need to do or what I should do.

 

I could stay and try and help, I could leave since im failing at my job as a boyfriend,

 

I just don't know what to do.. I am worried to bring up anything that bothers me because it might lead to an arguement and that might lead to something else. And I try my absolute best to keep her happy or give her attention, but it just isn't good enough.

[SherrySher]

Your girlfriend has a lot of emotional issues. She's not dealing with stress properly and is cutting to cope with stress. She is also being emotionally manipulative and controlling. She needs to get counselling for both of these issues and the sooner the better.

But the problem is you can't force people to get the help they need, therefore, you can bring it up to her and see how she responds or you can decide for yourself that all of it is getting to be too much and to leave.

If you are trying your absolute best, than you're not failing as a boyfriend. This is a reflection on her and how unhappy she is on the inside. You can't fix that for her and it's not your fault. She needs professional help.

[thornz]

Your gf is abusive! This cutting behavior after an argument is a method of control and manipulation. I used to self harm and I know a few others who also did and you hide it, you don't allow others to know and then blame them for it! Walk away.

[Loralora]

Take her to the psychiatrist ASAP. She needs help. She should be in rehab untill she stops doing this.

[Rising100]

I agree with the ladies, your girlfriend needs to see a counselor, therapist, something. This behavior seems to only get worst and she could even end up blaming you or getting you into trouble later on.

[Jarren22]

Your girlfriend has a lot of emotional issues. She's not dealing with stress properly and is cutting to cope with stress. She is also being emotionally manipulative and controlling. She needs to get counselling for both of these issues and the sooner the better.

But the problem is you can't force people to get the help they need, therefore, you can bring it up to her and see how she responds or you can decide for yourself that all of it is getting to be too much and to leave.

If you are trying your absolute best, than you're not failing as a boyfriend. This is a reflection on her and how unhappy she is on the inside. You can't fix that for her and it's not your fault. She needs professional help.

 

It's hard to bring up the topic of getting professional help, this morning when she came home from her graveyard shift and I had to get ready for work in a few hours after that we didn't say a word to each other, I wanted to but I had no idea what to say, and she seemed pissed still so if I did say anything it would have led to an argument and I would have had to leave to go to work without it being resolved. So now if we can't hardly talk to each other how do I bring up the topic of getting help.

[journeynow]

Does your school have counseling services? Suggest going together (to get her in the door), say you are worried and confused. It is ok for you to have boundaries about self-harm, and you may need to tell her that you cannot stay with someone who self-harms and does not seek treatment or healthier coping skills.

[SherrySher]

Two more things here Jarren, you sound somewhat scared of your girlfriend, it's not supposed to be like this. You should have mutual respect in a relationship and be good friends where both of you feel comfortable with each other. Also with the communication, it's crucial in all relationships to be able to openly talk with one another about anything and feel comfortable enough to bring up whatever topic.

What is happening here, by the sounds of it, is that you don't want to upset your girlfriend or are scared of her reactions, so you're walking on eggshells and can't talk openly with her.

A relationship will never work if it's like this. This is a very dysfunctional relationship at this point.

I hope you find the strength to let her know that she needs counselling or if you feel you're that unhappy,let her know that this relationship isn't working out.

You can go about it gently and do as the above poster pointed out, tell her that you'd like to go to counselling together.

But at this point, I think it's wise to consider this relationship not working out and possibly consider leaving.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say, but she needs a therapist not a relationship. She has a lot of rage from her past and is quite dysfunctional. Why are you living together after dating 6 mos.?

 

To be honest, the relationship sounds like too much, too soon, too fast, too much drama and too intense. She needs to move out and you need to stop enabling her, trying to be a therapist or allow her manipulations and threats to turn this into more of a train-wreck than it already is.

 

She needs to go home to her parents and get into therapy.

Hi my gf of 6 months cuts herself. We are both in our 20s living together. she continued saying stuff like you're like my past relationships and I haven't been happy,in her last relationship she tried to kill herself so when I hear that I think I ed up and I don't know what to do.

[Snny]

until today when she got mad at me because I don't give her enough attention and she feels like the relationship is one sided, (we both go to college and have jobs which makes it difficult to set time aside for us but I try my best.) In our arguement she continued saying stuff like you're like my past relationships and I haven't been happy,(in her last relationship she tried to kill herself)

This is grounds for dumping. Comparing her you to her ex boyfriends... who the hell does this?

 

so when I hear that I think I ed up and I don't know what to do.

You call the police if she threatens suicide. And yes, cops WILL immediately show up for anyone attempting suicide. This sends her a clear message that you aren't going to tolerate her threats nor put up with her behavior. She will think twice the next time she does so.

 

when we talked about this arguement she told me I wasn't doing what I was supposed to in an argument, she would insult me and tell me to not touch her and then tell me after the argument is done and she is at work that you should have hugged me and that I didn't do anything to show that I cared.

She's using manipulation. Disability or not, this is not something you deal with.

 

I could leave since im failing at my job as a boyfriend,

You are not a failure. Her depression is not your fault. As an adult and she is accountable for her own behavior. I'm not sure why you are even blaming yourself here for her actions.

 

Again, dump her. Manipulation and self-harm is going to doom the relationship until she gets help.

 

I try my absolute best to keep her happy or give her attention, but it just isn't good enough.

Your priority is finishing school and working your way through it. That's life. Unfortunately you can't always be there for her because you got your own life. If she REALLY needs attention, then she needs a therapist to help her work out self-mutilation issues.

[No1]

Her issues are bigger than you and you are not trained to handle. I know you care for her, but you are just not happy anymore. If you dont put on your big boy pants on soon, its going to be an even more difficult situation for you.

If you know her parents or family members, you can tell them. Agree with the above poster, you shouldnt be afraid of your GF.

You can do it...

[nutbrownhare]

Sadly, you need to get out of this relationship - for both your sakes. You can't heal someone else into a relationship, and she'll drag you down with her. Conversely, while you stick around she's much less likely to seek the help she so obviously needs.

 

Some self-harmers do so as a way of dealing with stress and unbearable emotional situations - but this is different to the very manipulative, aggressive, controlling behaviour she is showing.

 

Tell her that you're very concerned for her emotional welfare, and that she clearly needs professional help. Tell her that you're not qualified to help her deal with it, and even if you were she would still need to see someone outside the relationship. If she threatens to kill herself, tell her that if her life without you would really be that bad - you respect her decision.

 

Whatever you do, you need to end this terrible, toxic situation which is causing both of you a great deal of damage. She's not likely to. You also need to let yourself know that you have done your best as a boyfriend, but there comes a time when you need to stop the chaos by walking away.

[Unreasonable]

That's not something I'd be able to deal with. Not saying you shouldn't, I'd just be out of there.