Social hangover/really bad at being alone

[1a1a]

My family came over today to celebrate my birthday, and even before they were ready to leave I was wondering what I would do with the remainder of the day.

 

I had loose plans to catch up with one friend, I have a decent list of people I could reach out to spontaneously who might say yes to something like a beach walk. More than anyone in the world though I would really like to see my 'ex come friend come might still have feelings and has been confronted about it and is taking time to work out if he does or doesn't'.

 

Without the maybe we'll get back together thought, just flicking him a text as my top pick would be easy, but I feel anxious about doing that because this is thinking time, although he says continue with friendship while he's thinking.

 

If I wasn't so sweet on this person, overly focused, then I would just contact the one friend and visit him.

 

More bigger picture than any of that, I have a list as long as my arm of good, rewarding, productive things I can do right now, while I'm alone, that will better my life, but my default with free time is to want to find people to spend it with and that in itself is distressing. I think I feel like, if I don't use this time to build a social connection with someone, it's wasted. Getting face to face time with people is still more important to me than anything, even though I have found things that I can do by myself....

 

Dunno if there's a question.

 

I've texted the friend I was meant to catch up with, if he replies I'll invite him to walk on the beach (he's a friend with benefits which just makes everything weirder since having him as back up company is awful, but that awfulness doesn't change how much I want to fill this time with my ex's company....having said that, I Wish he'd be the one to invite me. He is much better at being independent).

 

I've texted my ex as well

 

I feel anxious that by reaching out to ex I will influence him to choose "friendship" when I really want "relationship". I feel anxious because I don't naturally find pleasure in spending a night alone.

 

I say social hangover maybe because there Are times when I enjoy being alone, usually after a whole lot of work when I just want to relax, or when I'm caught up in a project. But the first day after a stretch of work is a time I feel most lonely, and this is pretty much that day, just had the family thing in there too (which is it's own kind of intense social experience).

 

If there is a question it's how do I mitigate this fear of being alone?

[gebaird]

Did you get any responses to your texts? Human contact is a basic need, and your desire for it is perfectly natural -- especially when you are in limbo, waiting for a response from your ex. He may have said "continue with friendship" while he is thinking, but it doesn't seem he has reached out to you, which I'm sure only leaves you more confused.

 

It's okay to be discontented with being alone all the time. I suspect your fear of being alone is related to anxiety about the future. There might be someone amazing waiting for you around the corner. Or not. Your ex might be up for rekindling the romance. Or not. It's those "or nots" that probably scare you. Uncertainty leaves us all feeling vulnerable. My approach to dealing with such fears is to focus on getting through one day at a time. I can handle just about anything for a day; it's when I project my fears into the future and start to feel the weight of weeks and months and years of uncertainty and pain that my burdens become overwhelming. To address this problem, I try to live in the present, putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that things will work themselves out somehow. It surprises me how often my fears are overblown. It amazes me how the anticipation of an unwanted event can be so much worse than its actuality.

[1a1a]

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, thank you Gebaird!!! You make me feel heard and give sound advice. The being in limbo intensifying need for social interaction makes sense.

 

Loose plans friend turned out to have a friend over (this is most unusual, and, good for him, for I haven't really seen him have any friends here other than me in the last year and that's a few friends too few in my mind, especially because we're fwb, which could go up in smoke at any time).

 

Ex come friend responded 3 hours later, possibly because I sent a follow up hey on facebook, or maybe just that's when he wrapped up what he was doing in meat space and looked at his phone. And in my reply to that where I hinted at him inviting me to hang out, an hour went by with no reply which elicited from me a message asking why he's all no reply guy. Prompt reply that he was tired and lacking focus (this isn't totally unrealistic, he has some trouble with reading comprehension. Still, it clearly does not play nicely with my own currently even more significant than normal insecurity).

 

I did get a really nice bit of social interaction with a couple of friend faces, driving adventure up a hill in the hopes of seeing fog (we saw no fog). I spent a fair bit of it being distracted and saddened by lack of ex communications. There's a little voice quietly saying "you deserve someone who Wants to be around you and it really really looks like he is not it."