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Friend Badly Needs Help


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I'm a guy. I have a female friend who is going through a terrible ordeal and I don't know what to do about it. She is divorced, has two small children. Apparently on a somewhat regular basis she is beaten and raped by either her ex husband or her ex husbands brother (who she says is the main offender) and his friends. She refuses to do anything about it. She refuses to even admit that it's rape. She says that she wants to keep her ex happy. This includes letting him and his brother and friends have their way with her. She says that he is a wonderful father and needs him in the picture. I have told her that these people are abusing her but she will not admit it. She says that she gives consent, however she also says "it will be worse if I try to say no." I have told her that that is not consent. I really don't know what to do. I have told her that these people need to be in prison. She says she doesn't want her kids to not have a father.


She has a long history of being abused so I assume that she is used to it. She also seems to feel that men should be allowed to take advantage of her. She frequently says that she needs to be punished for being bad and that if she were good then they wouldn't have to hurt her. Part of this, I believe, is her religion which I think says that women need to be submissive to men. I will not get into any further religious discussion though. I would like nothing more than to call the police and have these people arrested. But then what happens when they get out of jail? Please help.

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I agree, that does not sound like true consent. Can I ask what her religion is? I am a prosecutor and I recently had a case involving a muslim couple from Afghanistan. It was her second marriage (as her first husband was killed in a car accident) and she believed she had to withstand whatever her husband dispensed as she should be grateful that anyone was prepared to marry her at all.

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She is a Mormon.


I'm a Mormon and would never treat a woman this way -- nor do I know any Mormon who would. It certainly isn't part of our teachings or practices. Husbands and wives are expected to be equal partners. We peacefully follow the teachings of Christ, who encouraged his followers to love one another.


If she is part of a Mormon spin-off group, however, that is different. There are several fundamentalist splinter sects that advocate male supremacy and encourage the practice of polygamy, which hasn't been part of Mormon teachings for the last 120 years. Other than having common roots, the splinter sects have nothing to do with the 15 million member Mormon Church.


This situation sounds horrible and I hope she can find the strength to get out. She is lucky to have a friend like you to support her.

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This sounds like a very complex and difficult situation. I am not sure whether this forum is the right place to provide such advice. It might be better if you sought advice from a domestic abuse hotline in your country i.e. people who specialize in dealing with such cases.

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  • 2 weeks later...
You are under moral obligation to do everything in your power to make sure these perpetrators are brought to justice. Chances are, this woman is not their only victim. And her kids are also in danger.


You are under no moral obligation to insert yourself into a domestic violence situation. It seems a little odd to me that she seems to be bringing you into this volatile situation and making it even more volatile. Looks like classic mate guarding behavior, which unfortunately is very common, a very easy way to escalate all of this is for you as a friend and a guy to get involved. I suppose you could contact a domestic abuse center or other authorities anonymously if you haven't already done so. If you were truly her friend I would actually break off the friendship, whether you intent to or not you being there for her is making things worse. You are not the one to help her.

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