NC concern - Day 7

[RookieoftheYea]

It's been exactly a week for me of no contact. My ex broke up with me and it ended very emotionally (not anger, but sadness) for the both of us, with a tearful hug at the goodbye. After the hug, I drove off and immediately went no contact.

 

I will admit, I have some hope with time she will contact me because of all the NC benefits. We had a good relationship, she just had personal issues and felt guilty about not being able to give more to her potential. However, throughout this week, I have been watching YouTube videos and reading articles about NC more in depth and some thing in particular stood out to me: I heard that the 30 day no contact rule is an estimate of time given because it takes 27 days for your brain to change a habit, therefore if you can go 30, you pretty much are on the road to being over the relationship anyway.

 

Yes, I know this is subliminally the purpose. It's for YOU, not for the ex to return BUT I don't want my ex to forget about me because I'm sure she is getting used to a life without me as well. I want to get back together. I don't want to break no contact, but I feel like she needs to know I'm open for reconciliation. I'm scared she thinks I will not be receptive so she might not even try. Is this true or am I just trying to convince myself to hit her up as I've read is sometimes the case in the journey?

 

Ps NC on the weekends suck, especially when that was the time you were together. At least during the week, you know they are working.

[boltnrun]

Do you expect to "forget about" her in 30 days?

 

If not, what makes you think her brain will completely erase the fact that you exist in 30 days?

 

What were the reasons she gave for breaking up?

 

If she used the dreaded "I need to be alone for a while" or "I need to focus on myself", there probably isn't much hope because it means she's been thinking about breaking up for a while and she's decided it's the right thing to do. If it was during an argument I'd say there's more of a chance she will cool down and then think about whether or not this is what she really wants.

[RookieoftheYea]

Do you expect to "forget about" her in 30 days?

 

If not, what makes you think her brain will completely erase the fact that you exist in 30 days?

 

What were the reasons she gave for breaking up?

 

If she used the dreaded "I need to be alone for a while" or "I need to focus on myself", there probably isn't much hope because it means she's been thinking about breaking up for a while and she's decided it's the right thing to do. If it was during an argument I'd say there's more of a chance she will cool down and then think about whether or not this is what she really wants.

 

I meant "forget" as in learn to live without and move on. I got the dreaded "it's not you, it's me". It wasn't an argument, I brought to her attention how I was affected by our different love languages and it kinda snowballed into her feeling she will never be able to give me what I desire so she shut down, I guess and decided to break it off instead of continuing to hurt me.

[boltnrun]

Yep, it's likely she thought about breaking up before it actually happened.

 

She knows you're a great guy and probably felt guilty about hurting you. But then she realized that continuing on when she no longer felt the way she did in the beginning would ultimately be more cruel than breaking up.

 

So, her changing her mind and deciding that she was does in fact want to be with you is not too likely, unfortunately.

 

And putting yourself in front of her after 30 days have passed isn't going to change that.

 

In the event that she does decide she made a mistake, it won't be because you kept texting her to remind her you exist or whatever. It will be because she has been having to live without you.

 

Remember, she can't miss you if you keep contacting her.

[sourhearts]

I don't want to break no contact, but I feel like she needs to know I'm open for reconciliation. I'm scared she thinks I will not be receptive so she might not even try. Is this true or am I just trying to convince myself to hit her up as I've read is sometimes the case in the journey?

 

You're overthinking. Yes, you would just be giving yourself an excuse to hit her up to let her know you're open for a reconciliation. Shouldn't that go without saying? She broke up with you. Not the the other way around. Let her reach out.

 

How long did you guys date for?

[RookieoftheYea]

7 months. Thanks. I needed to hear 'you're overthinking'. I continue to keep the NC.

 

The day before we broke up we were discussing plans for an upcoming trip next weekend. Ugh. This sucks. I don't get people.

[sourhearts]

Yeah, a break up out-of no where, huh? Those are the worst, but from my experience .. say you get back together. Get back too soon. Chances are it can happen again down the road. She obviously doesn't know what she wants. And you do. Don't wait around. Grieve the loss of your relationship, start moving on .. without moving on too fast, if that makes any sense?

 

You'll always have that fear in the back of your head. "Will she up and leave again just because of a bad day, month, whatever excuse?"

 

If she comes around, be cautious. That's all

[kbbcoop77]

Why would you want to be with someone who dumped you? If it was a "mistake" she would've reconsidered that night or the next am...she's made up her mind, she wanted out. Happens every day. Eventually she would pull it again and you'd be in the same boat, she's shown she's capable of walking away. I'd take a pass on reconciliation ..find someone new, without this history..it would be toxic.

[catfeeder]

I don't believe in trying to squelch hope, I think that's a futile exercise that just keeps me in a frustrating mind loop. But there's a difference between using hope to motivate yourself to move forward versus stagnating in it. Stagnation is futile because no ex is interested in stepping back from forward progress to return to the exact same relationship they walked away from.

 

So instead of killing hope, I move it to a back burner. I trust that if ex and I were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, we'll meet on higher ground someday far into the future. But we'll both need to climb to that place on our own.

 

So while I wouldn't let go of hope, I would let go of some 30 day goal, and I'd let go of the idea of contacting ex. It needs to come from her. She'll need longer than 30 days to relax and reflect on you fondly, and maybe she'll contact you someday, or you'll cross paths at a party or something and share a drink.

 

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous life for yourself. It's your percentage play, because it will set your self development bar high and your expectations about a future with ex way, way faaar into the future. If you reconcile, you win. If not, you still win, because you've moved yourself forward.

 

Head high.

[RookieoftheYea]

I don't believe in trying to squelch hope, I think that's a futile exercise that just keeps me in a frustrating mind loop. But there's a difference between using hope to motivate yourself to move forward versus stagnating in it. Stagnation is futile because no ex is interested in stepping back from forward progress to return to the exact same relationship they walked away from.

 

So instead of killing hope, I move it to a back burner. I trust that if ex and I were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, we'll meet on higher ground someday far into the future. But we'll both need to climb to that place on our own.

 

So while I wouldn't let go of hope, I would let go of some 30 day goal, and I'd let go of the idea of contacting ex. It needs to come from her. She'll need longer than 30 days to relax and reflect on you fondly, and maybe she'll contact you someday, or you'll cross paths at a party or something and share a drink.

 

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous life for yourself. It's your percentage play, because it will set your self development bar high and your expectations about a future with ex way, way faaar into the future. If you reconcile, you win. If not, you still win, because you've moved yourself forward.

 

Head high.

 

Thank you so much, I needed that today. I'm staying strong.