My girlfriend was involved in an affair with a coworker before we met

[Calvin1990]

Me and my girlfriend are together 3 months now, and everything has just been perfect aside from the fact that we live two hours apart, but thats not a real big issue. In fact. Everything was going so well the we've started to have converations about our future, even discussing marriage. That's all due to the fact that in the beginning of our relationship we decided to set rules for ourselves. One particular rule was, absolutely no lying to each other. Yesterday we were just talking when she suddenly stopped me bacause she said she had something to say, she started crying and sobbing, she practically couldn't speak for about 5 minutes, all the while i was freaking out about what was happening. When she calmed down a bit she eventually said that she was involved in an affair about 5 months before we met. She explained that he had a married coworker that she was very close with and one thing led to another. She told me she broke it off before things really started to get out of hand. I told her i still loved her and that i needed time to process this information. I'm a bit uneasy of the fact that they work together, but she maintains that she has been avpiding him since we started dating. But she lied to me then when ahe said that she had only had intercourse once in her life, when in fact she told me that they had sex 3 times during their affair.

[Rising100]

Wait, did this happen while she was going out with you?

Is this married man, her boss?

Why did she decide to tell you out of nowhere?

 

Sorry if I didnt catch something, I just woke up...

[Sportster2005]

1. There was no reason to tell you about this.

2. Anyone who sleeps with married people can't be trusted.

3. She has poor self control. And with a co-worker !!

 

Three strikes you're out.

[Clio]

1. Affair with a married man indicates low integrity and selfishness

2. She lied to you

 

Either one is bad. The combination is worse. She sounds like someone who cannot be trusted if things ever get tough between the two of you.

[greta96]

While the fact that she had an affair with a married man is not ideal and speaks of a huge lapse in judgement, people make mistakes. Has she learned from it? She sounds remorseful and ashamed, and the truth is she didn't have to tell you about it, she chose to be honest and live up to the deal you two made, so I think you could cut her some slack here.

Plus, it all happened before you two met - it doesn't make the fact that she sexed a married man any better, but at least there was no cheating on you.

 

I believe people deserve second chances, especially when they are trying to be honest. She may end up being more faithful to you than a woman who has never had an affair in her life!

 

But only stay with her if you are 100% you can live with her past and that you won't hold it against her going forward. If you start out with the idea that you can never trust her, I don't see this relationship lasting too long.

[boltnrun]

Only three months and you're already talking marriage???

 

I'm wondering what other little secrets she's hiding from you.

 

I wouldn't rush out and buy a ring just yet.

[Sportster2005]

While the fact that she had an affair with a married man is not ideal and speaks of a huge lapse in judgement, people make mistakes. Has she learned from it? She sounds remorseful and ashamed, and the truth is she didn't have to tell you about it, she chose to be honest and live up to the deal you two made, so I think you could cut her some slack here.

Plus, it all happened before you two met - it doesn't make the fact that she sexed a married man any better, but at least there was no cheating on you.

 

I believe people deserve second chances, especially when they are trying to be honest. She may end up being more faithful to you than a woman who has never had an affair in her life!

 

But only stay with her if you are 100% you can live with her past and that you won't hold it against her going forward. If you start out with the idea that you can never trust her, I don't see this relationship lasting too long.

 

I believe in second chances. It's not about forgiveness and judgement. It's about one's self preservation and well being. A one off at a party is also very different than a very intentional affair with a co-worker. Everytime she was sleeping with him she was repeatedly cheating.

 

Our society generally considers the seriousness of the crime when giving second chances.

[KantSleep]

Well, having an affair with a married coworker isn't going to earn her angel wings. However, she seems contrite and it doesn't seem like it lasted very long. I guess it's up to you if you think this mistake is a deal breaker. Only you can decide that.

[Clio]

Even if the affair is in the past, the lying was very much in the present. Why did she feel compelled to mispresent herself regarding her sexual experience? What are your ages? And why would such a discussion even take place when it is none of your business how many times she had sex in her life? Either way, the communication between the two of you doesn't sound healthy. And even if you were to overlook the affair the lying IS a red flag imo. At the very least, it shows that 'not lying to each other' may not be a rule she can uphold.

[butterfly45]

I don't see the link between being honest with each other and divulging every little detail of your previous relationships. Have you told her about all of your exes? I see no reason why you both need to get into that territory.

[catfeeder]

I don't see the link between being honest with each other and divulging every little detail of your previous relationships. Have you told her about all of your exes? I see no reason why you both need to get into that territory.

 

This. There's honesty, and then there's a lack of privacy and discretion. I don't discuss my sexual history beyond a clean STD test, and I don't want to hear about a lover's. You're learning WHY.

[Longview01]

She broke it off before things got really out of hand?

 

I'd say sleeping with your friends husband is taking it a tad too far to begin with

 

She has lose morals, walk away

[TiredOfDating]

I don't see the link between being honest with each other and divulging every little detail of your previous relationships. Have you told her about all of your exes? I see no reason why you both need to get into that territory.

 

3 years ago, I had was involved with a man who was married. I was always one that was TOTALLY anti-cheating. But it was my son's father, and he had left me when I got pregnant but when I tracked him down for child support, he "appeared" to have a complete change of heart. We began a friendship with the intentions of being civil coparents. I was in a horrible frame of mind in those days, depressed and freaked over money, had little family support, and he was the only person who gave me any positive support, and things eventually crossed the line.

 

I know for a fact that I would NEVER repeat this. It sucked, it was not a healthy situation at all. People CAN make mistakes, and make poor decisions and learn from them.

 

I also DO divulge this info with people I am dating, depending on the circumstances. Not like, first few conversations, and not every person I date. But there were 2 different guys I dated for a few weeks, with the hope for a long term, serious relationship that had their marriages end due to their spouse cheating, and I felt full disclosure in these cases was only fair.

[Calvin1990]

Wait, did this happen while she was going out with you?

Is this married man, her boss?

Why did she decide to tell you out of nowhere?

 

Sorry if I didnt catch something, I just woke up...

 

This happened a few months before we met. Just a co worker, not her boss. She said she couldn't keep this big a secret from me anymore. And that she always knew that she would tell me eventually when we first started dating.

[Calvin1990]

Were at our mid 20's. We were having a very intimate conversation, and she said that if I was going to commit to her i might as well know everything. She tells me that they've been avoiding each other ever since. Well mostly because of me. I put certain terms in place, things like avoiding him when you don't need to talk for work. And according to her she's been keeping her end of the bargain. And she assures me everyday. The difficult thing about this is that I'm finding it difficult to consolidate the person i thought i was getting to know. And the person she was when all of "that" was happening. I really do wanna work things out. Like i said, I'm not here to ask for advice on whether i should stay or not. I've already made up my mind that I'm gonna give this my very best try. Because honestly, she a great girl. With one big ass skeleton in her closet. But inspite of that. I love her. And so with that. I just wanna ask you, good people, for some advice. Do you guys know of other people that have any similar situations like this? How did they get over this? This is coming from a really sincere place, when i ask you guys for some help on this matter. Thank you. 😳

[Calvin1990]

3 years ago, I had was involved with a man who was married. I was always one that was TOTALLY anti-cheating. But it was my son's father, and he had left me when I got pregnant but when I tracked him down for child support, he "appeared" to have a complete change of heart. We began a friendship with the intentions of being civil coparents. I was in a horrible frame of mind in those days, depressed and freaked over money, had little family support, and he was the only person who gave me any positive support, and things eventually crossed the line.

 

I know for a fact that I would NEVER repeat this. It sucked, it was not a healthy situation at all. People CAN make mistakes, and make poor decisions and learn from them.

 

I also DO divulge this info with people I am dating, depending on the circumstances. Not like, first few conversations, and not every person I date. But there were 2 different guys I dated for a few weeks, with the hope for a long term, serious relationship that had their marriages end due to their spouse cheating, and I felt full disclosure in these cases was only fair.

 

Thankyou for this. And I'm almost afraid to ask ,but did any of those relationships ever workout? I really do wanna make this work between us. And i do feel like she's putting a great ammount of effort everyday to try and make me feel secure about her. I have put down certain terms. I wanted them to avoid each other as much as possible. And she's been happy to do this. Ofcourse i don't really know. And thats the hard part i guess. I never really know. I love her. How ever irrational it sounds. I'm really not here to decide of i should leave her or not. I've already made up my mind that i won't. I guess i just need some advice on how to better deal with this. At the moment I've askes for some time from her to think. Not to leave her but to try and regain some strength and to come back to her a better man. The man that will love her inspite of this. It's just too damn difficult at times. 😳

[Calvin1990]

I believe in second chances. It's not about forgiveness and judgement. It's about one's self preservation and well being. A one off at a party is also very different than a very intentional affair with a co-worker. Everytime she was sleeping with him she was repeatedly cheating.

 

Our society generally considers the seriousness of the crime when giving second chances.

 

While the fact that she had an affair with a married man is not ideal and speaks of a huge lapse in judgement, people make mistakes. Has she learned from it? She sounds remorseful and ashamed, and the truth is she didn't have to tell you about it, she chose to be honest and live up to the deal you two made, so I think you could cut her some slack here.

Plus, it all happened before you two met - it doesn't make the fact that she sexed a married man any better, but at least there was no cheating on you.

 

I believe people deserve second chances, especially when they are trying to be honest. She may end up being more faithful to you than a woman who has never had an affair in her life!

 

But only stay with her if you are 100% you can live with her past and that you won't hold it against her going forward. If you start out with the idea that you can never trust her, I don't see this relationship lasting too long.

 

Thank you for this. And i am starting with the idea, Of hoping that i can trust her again. And I'm not saying this just to deffend her, but she has been really trying to make things right for us. She assures me everyday that she's willing to do everything she can to make our relationship work, and she's been willing to cooperate with the things that i want. The very least i can do is to give this my best try. Again thank you.

[Calvin1990]

I believe in second chances. It's not about forgiveness and judgement. It's about one's self preservation and well being. A one off at a party is also very different than a very intentional affair with a co-worker. Everytime she was sleeping with him she was repeatedly cheating.

 

Our society generally considers the seriousness of the crime when giving second chances.

 

1. There was no reason to tell you about this.

2. Anyone who sleeps with married people can't be trusted.

3. She has poor self control. And with a co-worker !!

 

Three strikes you're out.

 

Thank you. And i really appreciate your honesty. And i apologize if i might not want to take your advice on leaving her. I'm still willing to give this my best try. But of all the people that gave their opinions. It's yours im most curious of. If you would be so kind. What advice would you give me, sir? Now that you know that im still trying to make this work. 😊

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she's not over him.

 

Good idea to pause and process this considering all the other circumstances regarding this affair.

she started crying and sobbing, she practically couldn't speak for about 5 minutes, all the while i was freaking out about what was happening. When she calmed down a bit she eventually said that she was involved in an affair about 5 months before we met.