Did I mess this up? If I did, how do I not do it again?

[bethbyday]

I recently broke up with my bf of two months. Yeah, only two months but they were super intense. We met through friends, he runs his own business and he warned me he'd be super busy in the times to come. I didn't mind that, but what I soon started minding was his cancellations of the appointments we would make. He would always either modify them or have an incredible story of why he must cancel (I am not calling him a liar but he expected me to trust him a lot). On the other hand he would text me every morning and night, told me he wanted marriage and kids with me, on our second date he told me he loved me (in another language, but still I thought it was a bit hasty). I wouldn't have minded us talking about this, but we were not getting any closer. He was either sick or busy most of the time and I was lucky to see him for an hour and a half every week. He promised me we'd hang out on his bday, then simply failed to reply to me asking him when we are meeting the following day (his bday). It was almost always a last minute thing and I developed anxiety over him changing our plans. I tried talking to him a few times, every time he simply told me I was insecure about our relationship. (what relationship??) I asked him to call me instead of texting, he didn't do that. On the other hand, he constantly told me things would get better and I need to trust him. He told me he bought me a present on his business trip and I never got it. He would promise me all these things and rarely deliver and I just got really frustrated so when he cancelled New Year's last minute, I called him a liar and an idiot and told him I want him to feel like sh**t. (again via texts as he NEVER called me) I immediately regretted it as he did have a very legitimate reason for cancelling (which he told me about after I exploded) but I was fed up. He got so upset over my insults he broke up with me and posted something mean and passive aggressive about me on social networks for the world to see (not calling me out directly but it was obvious). He has a few diagnoses including depression, I told him I would help him as much as I can but I had just started dating him and had no idea what to expect. I didn't feel like I was in a relationship at all, I offered my help and support on so many times and ended up being called a verbal abuser. I honestly think he is a nice and hard working guy and I am so scared I messed it up. If I date someone again, I don't want to loose it, I don't want to be like this. I know he comes off bad, we had some nice times too, he was super sweet to me at his office party and told me really nice things. Thank you in advance.

[gebaird]

He sounds like a smooth talker who is either too busy for you, cheating on you, or feigning interest to get something from you. The most important thing here is that you are out of the relationship. Thank goodness you only spent two months with this joker.

 

Don't for a second think you caused these problems. Saying the right things but not doing them is worse than not saying the right things. The way he behaved when you broke up is a good indication of his true character.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Don't assume your next relationship will be like this one. Again, you didn't cause these problems -- he did.

[missmarple]

You didn't mess anything up..things were already messy because of him. Two months may sound short but I would have left this guy much sooner..the second or third time he gave me the 'busy or sick' excuse, I would tell him ok, when you are healthy enough and have enough time to really date someone, give me a call. Stop blaming yourself.

[MissCanuck]

He sounds like he has a girlfriend, OP. Or at the very least, he was dating other girls and slotted you in when they weren't around.

 

You didn't mess anything up. This was never on solid ground and you were right to listen to your gut. I have a feeling you're not the only girl he sweet-talked.

[bethbyday]

He sounds like he has a girlfriend, OP. Or at the very least, he was dating other girls and slotted you in when they weren't around.

 

You didn't mess anything up. This was never on solid ground and you were right to listen to your gut. I have a feeling you're not the only girl he sweet-talked.

 

Honestly he did not have another girlfriend, I am a hundred percent sure. He is just a workaholic with some personal issues on the side. He was completely faithful, there is no doubt in my mind, he introduced me to his friends and made our relationship public on social networks. I just got fed up of these issues getting in the way of our time together. He probably liked the idea of us more than I did, he just didn't allow for us to get closer to each other for some reason... he is a sweet guy who wanted me to be the girl of his dreams, but went so poorly about it and then my anxiety kicked in and we ended up with a disaster.

[SoulTaker]

On the other hand he would text me every morning and night, told me he wanted marriage and kids with me, on our second date he told me he loved me (in another language, but still I thought it was a bit hasty).

 

C'mon Beth. This guy is either a "head case", or playing mind games with you. Two months of dating, and he's already planning out your future (talking marriage, kids,....). He doesn't even know you at this stage. Common sense has to tell you that this isn't going to play out well, if you're thinking that he's relationship material.

[katrina1980]

C'mon Beth. This guy is either a "head case", or playing mind games with you. Two months of dating, and he's already planning out your future (talking marriage, kids,....). He doesn't even know you at this stage. Common sense has to tell you that this isn't going to play out well, if you're thinking that he's relationship material.

 

C'mon Beth is right, and then some, geez!

 

Beth read your original post again and pretend you are your daughter (if you had one).

 

What would you advise "her" to do, or your sister or a good friend if they were dating a man who treated them this way?

 

This tool is a major loser, he is never available, blows you off, flakes, gaslights you, blames YOU for everything, lies, doesn't keep his word, breaks promises, etc etc etc.

 

While at the same time, telling you to "trust" him, that he wants to marry you?

 

All this at only two months in?

 

No disrespect Beth, but what are you thinking?

 

The only thing you did wrong was remaining in this toxicity and believeing his BS.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting, but this was not gonna get any better, pls block and delete.

 

Time heals.

[catfeeder]

he expected me to trust him a lot). [...] told me he wanted marriage and kids with me, on our second date he told me he loved me (in another language, but still I thought it was a bit hasty).

 

A bit hasty? Honey, this wasn't a red flag, it was a giant neon sign, "TOXIC!"

 

Skip worrying about what you did, and focus instead on why you didn't haul your butt away from him sooner. He was all talk, and nothing about his actions aligned with that. A nobody who wants to marry ANYbody by date 2 is playing with a full deck.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

Head high.

[bethbyday]

A bit hasty? Honey, this wasn't a red flag, it was a giant neon sign, "TOXIC!"

 

Skip worrying about what you did, and focus instead on why you didn't haul your butt away from him sooner. He was all talk, and nothing about his actions aligned with that. A nobody who wants to marry ANYbody by date 2 is playing with a full deck.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

Head high.

 

To be fair, I didn't really express my concern early on. He is a very good friend of a very good friend and she has been telling me for many months what a sweet person he is. I had a problem with him badmouthing his exes on our second date, the fact he wanted to put our relationship status on social networks on the very night we started dating. I am so very confused. He is an excellent business man, very respected in the community and I admire how much effort and honesty he puts in his work. I am quite an anxious person and now I think everyone really hates me because clearly I did not possess the understanding to deal with his diagnose. I am afraid I came off as demanding and spoiled and neurotic because of my messages, but honestly, I felt he was driving me crazy. He kept telling me he put so much effort into every one of our meetings, I started feeling anxious even when we were together because I felt he needed to be somewhere else. He never made me feel this way, but he kept telling me he is fighting for us and trying his best to see me whenever he can. I was confused because rationally this made no sense. Nobody is that freakin' busy never to call me on the phone. Also, he cancelled our New Year's via message not giving me a specific reason, and I just lost it. Am I crazy for telling him the nasty things I did? Cause I just couldn't deal with it anymore.... I wanted to trust him but it got so difficult to do so.

[bethbyday]

I also have another dilemma. Thank you for your support ladies! You see, I did in fact call him a liar, a coward, told him I wanted him to feel like sh** and he accused me of verbal abuse. I have been feeling awful wondering if I am an abusive person and should have handled my frustrations differently. He talked crap about his exes and I am afraid he is going to tell his friends I am an abuser. He has the messages to back it up. I feel so guilty but also so scared. Do I need some kind of anger management therapy? I never feel the need to hurt anyone or myself, I was just so frustrated and those words came out. I have never before said those words to anyone. And I never want to again.