Let Her Grow/Go

[Stand Strong]

Hi,

 

My girlfriend of 4 years and I are going to break up. At first, I took it hard, but I did see this coming some day as I predicted. She has had not many experiences away from me and will experience life on her own apart from me as I am doing NC for 29 more days. We've talked everyday be it phone or text (long distance) so even though she wanted the break up (hesitantly) she had left a voicemail seeming upset I did not text her for a day. I see it as unhealthy for her so I'm doing NC for my and her own good (she's clingy needy jealous etc)

 

I'm 31 and she will be 21 soon. I'm all she's know since 16 so I think it for the best. If she comes back and changes and we find our way back to each other it's cool. If not, then a friendship works for me. We did talk of marriage etc, but her youth was the insecurity in us both being back and forth about it. I'd rather let her go and see if she comes back rather than have married her and the she wants a divorce because I was her whole life.

 

Any opinions/thoughts? It does suck when you love someone so much, but I do think it's for the best. We are each others first loves also. Also to add, she was home schooled and pretty sheltered/isolated because of where she lives, can't drive so I was her whole day for years since she was stuck in the house with her family who treats her poorly.

[gebaird]

If she's been mistreated/abused by her family, the transition to adulthood can be very difficult. Even for someone with a good childhood, a lot of life changes happen between the ages of 16 and 21.

 

I am not normally an advocate of post-romantic friendship (it can be very complicated), but I suspect, even though she broke up with you, that you are a very important figure in her life. Be gentle with her feelings, if you can, and try to be there for her without causing pain to yourself. She could probably use a friend/brother/father-figure/protector of some kind. Maybe that's a role you can fill for her down the road.

[Stand Strong]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the insight. She had been being very rude/lashing out at me toward the end (her mother manipulated her that I did not care to see her/was controlling when it's not true. We made all decisions together) so I feel stepping back is what's best. She's been defiant against me for no reason and saying "Wanting to do things your way" which she had never been saying to me over and over again so that's when I suspected something after the last visit(which went terrible) and spoke with her mom. Ironically, it was more of her moms choice that hers. "My mom thinks I should be single for awhile" and her mom said "I just think she needs to be single for awhile" so that's when it all came together. I'll always love her and cherish the memories and will see what happens in the future.

[catfeeder]

If she's been mistreated/abused by her family, the transition to adulthood can be very difficult. Even for someone with a good childhood, a lot of life changes happen between the ages of 16 and 21.

 

I am not normally an advocate of post-romantic friendship (it can be very complicated), but I suspect, even though she broke up with you, that you are a very important figure in her life. Be gentle with her feelings, if you can, and try to be there for her without causing pain to yourself. She could probably use a friend/brother/father-figure/protector of some kind. Maybe that's a role you can fill for her down the road.

 

I agree with the first paragraph, but not the second. Morphing into some other 'figure' in her life beyond your role as lover may be well intentioned, but she's already stunted by her family. Attempts to stay involved with her in any other capacity is stunting and not in her best interests--it's an agenda.

 

You've served as her lover but also as a mentor and pseudo parent. Well, what do kids do with their parents at some point? They either fly the coop to grow beyond the limits of what a parent can teach, and if the dynamic is healthy, with their parents' encouragement to do so, OR, they rebel.

 

You're seeing the rebellion, and you're smart to recognize that for what it is. You're right to trust that if the two of you were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, then you'll both meet again on higher ground--but you'll both need to grow in order to reach that place on your own. That includes you, because when someone leaves to move themselves forward, they're not interested in going backward to resume the same relationship they left. So I'd make it my own private goal to adopt resilience and build a fabulous future for yourself that ascends to the degree you'd hope to see for her.

 

If anything can inspire her future curiosity and sentimental fondness for you, it would be that, as opposed to stagnating in the role of her mentor, which would only prompt her to dig in her heels and stay as far away from that as possible.

 

You're on the right track. I'd extend NC far beyond 29 days.

 

Head high.

[gebaird]

I agree with the first paragraph, but not the second.

 

I can see your point of view. Always good to get multiple perspectives on here for posters to choose among