Ex Gf of 5 years left me in October, seeing someone new. Am I done?

[IncarnateDevil]

The point of this is to determine if my ex girlfriend has finally moved on to something serious with someone new, or if it's still a rebound:

 

So, like most ex bf/gf posts this one is sad, and yes i'm completely heartbroken and devastated.

 

Me and my girl were together for 5 years, we lived together for about 4.5 years. We met on a study abroad in Italy, but went to the same school. We had an instant strong connection, and we fell madly in love. We both knew we were eachother's soulmate, and we were also eachother's bestfriend. We did plan on marrying, and I was very close to her family and she was very close to mine. It was perfect.

 

Well, fast forward to when things started getting bad: Things in our life got rough during the last year of the relationship, especially with me. My job made me extremely miserable, and it turned me into an unhappy and bitter boyfriend. I'll admit, I wasn't always the best boyfriend towards the last year and it gradually got worse until the end. I also became controlling, insecure, jealous, etc. Just, it was ALL bad and she took the brunt of it and I truly wish I could turn back time and change all of that, I know in my heart we would still be together. We did try couple's therapy, but she finally ended up ending things during one of our sessions and she hasn't changed her mind since. Also, during the break she said she didn't know who she was and that she had basically latched onto my personality. She had made zero friends throughout the relationship, and didn't have many hobbies. I on the other hand have friends, I'm in a band, etc. Keep that in mind with her.

 

After the break she went on an insane casual sex spree, started 2 days after the split. I know, I know, the first guy she started seeing she had already been in contact with a month before the split and he had been encouraging her to leave me but I didn't know. I was devastated and it was totally dramatic, not a happy split. Lots of crying, crazy emotions, arguing/yelling, etc. The whole nine yards.

 

Long story short she stopped seeing that guy (he was just a rebound) shortly after, and started seeing all kinds of random guys from dating apps like Tinder and OKC, she was specifically just looking for casual sex NOT dates. It tore me apart, she must have gone through 10-15 guys in this short amount of time before she met the current guy that is the red flag now.

 

Let's call this guy "Mike". So, she met Mike on OKC, they had a ridiculous % match (99% if I remember correctly). Like all the other guys, she had them come over to her new place pretty quickly after talking online, never took much time. He stayed over two nights, which I thought was bizarre. After he left her place I came to her place to gather some of my things, and she tried to reassure me that it was nothing and just a distraction. She also slightly made fun of Mike because he had asked her after they first met/had sex that day "So are we bf/gf now?". She said he was Autistic.

 

Anyway, she continued seeing him which definitely freaked me out, because I knew what he wanted from her and SHE knew what he wanted. They continued seeing eachother, but she also saw all kinds of other dudes too. She and I would hang out occasionally too, sometimes she was hot sometimes she was cold. We would get along great and whatnot, and then my insecurities from what she was doing would flare up and cause a big argument. I know, I should have gone NO CONTACT immediately but I had no idea, the love of my life left me and was seeing other men at the time I couldn't imagine disappearing from her life.

 

So, little by little I obviously annoyed the hell out of my ex, and with good reason: I hadn't given her any space from the break up. This continued for a while until Christmas when I finally decided to give her a few days away from me and I visited family. I texted her to tell her merry xmas, etc, and told her I would be back in a day to gather the rest of my things that she had, I knew she had been spending more time with Mike than the other guys so I politely asked her if she could not have him around when I came over. She responded saying "Trust me I would not want him around. He was just a simple crush and I am already over him, we are not compatible". I was taken aback because she never divulges information like that, I usually have to dig it out of her, so I asked if he did something to her. She said he didn't do anything, they just weren't a good match and that he is a belligerent drunk sun up to sun down, outside of being Autistic Mike also has a huge alcohol problem, and is also pretty depressed. Not a very emotionally stable guy, BUT he is very sweet in a way most Autistic people are. He's not an angry drunk, probably a depressed one if I had to guess.

 

I was smiling ear to ear when she told me that as I knew this guy was the biggest threat, felt awesome. The next day I got my stuff and we talked a little. My ex was actually handling the breakup worse than I was, I started realizing that she had serious issues with being alone. She couldn't BARE being alone, she's also clinically depressed.

 

Anyway, barely two days later she starts up with Mike again. In the meantime, she has taken medical leave from work and is basically going through an emotional meltdown. I go into internal panic mode, because outside of Mike having some serious issues they also have A LOT in common, outside of having a 99% match they also have the same humor, are both introverts, are both depressed, are both artsy, and are just similar in so many odd ways that it made me uncomfortable. He never gave off the stereotypical "boi" vibe. I felt like I was drowning little by little by what was unfolding.

 

The day I found out she was seeing him again, I broke NC and texted her why she had told me not that long ago why she was seeing him. It didn't make sense how she could go from saying she was over him completely to seeing him again. She said "If you haven't noticed I've been changing my mind all the time. he's really sweet, and I am conflicted because I really enjoy his company but I am obviously not ready for a relationship" That rang off warning shots in my head, conflicted? To me, it meant that she is actually seeing him as relationship material. This was turning into something more than a rebound in my head.

 

Naturally, I freaked out inside. She told me to not contact her for a while, saying that she literally hadn't had any time to process the split at all. So, I went into no contact. That conversation was on the 1st. Since then, she has deleted all of her dating profiles, and has even stopped seeing every other guy except for him. Again, crap right?

 

Anyway, I started snooping around because I couldn't take it anymore. Was this guy actually the real deal for her? By sleeping with dozens of guys did that allow her to quickly get over the rebound phase and actually move on to someone?

 

What I found, both shocked and hurt me. These two talk ALL THE TIME. More than she and I ever texted/talked. She also became little by little more sweet and into him, chasing him and saying things like "I miss you" and "I need u", and that he was on her mind. It seemed so quick in so little time. During this time her mother also took vacation from work to be with her because my ex had a serious break down.

 

She is also calling him "bae" and made a point in saying that she wants to see him but that it's not just for sex, she just wants to be with him in general. He mentioned his favorite restaurant, and she replied "now I know where to take you for your birthday". For one, he's a scorpio which means she is picturing this guy being around for a year or more, and for two they haven't been on a real date yet, they just hang out at eachother's place and drink. It really feels and looks like she is falling for him. However, they also are talking about very odd things. I learned the Mike has more problems than just being emotionally unstable, alcoholic with DUI's, etc, but apparently he also believes he can summon demons. I'm not joking. He's into either Satanism or dark magic, or whatever. And the weirdest thing about it is that my ex is going along with it. She can't be serious?

 

So, I know I shouldn't have done what I did to be able to see everything, but I had to know. She is literally dying to see him and can't wait for her mom to leave, something has changed she appears to be more stable than when her mom came.

 

So, is this guy another type of rebound, or is she actually falling for the guy and ignoring his problems? Like I said, they get along very well and have a lot in common. A part of me feels like she is living in a fairy tale fantasy and reality will hit her sooner or later, or she will get fed up with his drinking problems like she did 2 weeks ago. She went from 0 to throwing herself into this guy quick, and wants to spend all her time either talking to him or being with him.

 

I know for a fact she will never introduce this guy to her parents, would never happen (I think). But, she's also a private person so maybe she'll just keep him a secret.

 

Is it completely over, is she over me or is she rebounding with him? Help!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It may be best to go strict no contact and not keep tabs on her love life like a male-girlfriend or stalker.

 

Leave her alone and delete and block her from all social media so you can heal and move forward. It sounds like she's enjoying her freedom from being trapped in the relationship too long. You should do the same.

[Iggy5129]

Wow dude. How do you know this level of detail about her personal life? You've become a full blown stalker. Seriously you need to get a hold of yourself and start realizing what she does is none of your business because she is your ex girlfriend. What you're doing is honestly scary.

 

Reread what you wrote and just consider what you would think if it was someone else's story not yours. You need to stay nc, STOP stalking her and begin to heal. It's been 3 months and you haven't done any healing. You should be starting to feel better by now. You have to start focusing on yourself so you can move on with your life.

 

You sound crazy right now. I know you're not and I've been there. Love makes you crazy. But she's made her choice. She's not coming back and being an insane stalker will definitely not bring her back.

[IncarnateDevil]

Wow dude. How do you know this level of detail about her personal life? You've become a full blown stalker. Seriously you need to get a hold of yourself and start realizing what she does is none of your business because she is your ex girlfriend. What you're doing is honestly scary.

 

Reread what you wrote and just consider what you would think if it was someone else's story not yours. You need to stay nc, STOP stalking her and begin to heal. It's been 3 months and you haven't done any healing. You should be starting to feel better by now. You have to start focusing on yourself so you can move on with your life.

 

You sound crazy right now. I know you're not and I've been there. Love makes you crazy. But she's made her choice. She's not coming back and being an insane stalker will definitely not bring her back.

 

I absolutely realize what it looks like, definitely not good. I've begun no contact, but at the same time I just had to know a couple of days ago, the fear of losing her forever and the not knowing is way too real. But yeah, you're right, I should let her do her thing. I'm also worried about her being with this guy, I've always had a protective personality but I think she feels like she needs to make a mistake or two without me being there to help her. It's hard, because I can totally imagine growing old and her not being at my side, and that's it. Game over. We don't get a second chance at life as far as I know. Words can't describe the feeling man, not at all. I'll just focus on my music and friends, I've been working on my negativity and changing my career so that I'm a happier person, hopefully she sees it one day.

[IncarnateDevil]

Need to make it clear, I found out all of this stuff because we all share a family plan. Just recently realized that if you're an account manager you can basically see everything online. Believe me people, I struggled with the decision to do it because I knew it was wrong. But at the same time, I just had to know. I needed to know if she is truly falling in love/moving on so that I could finally know and just accept it and totally move on, or find out if it was just a rebound so that I could at least hold onto some hope. I've not been stalking her house or anything crazy like that, I just logged in and was able to see everything. Doesn't make it alright I feel like a piece of crap for doing it already to be honest, which is why I didn't want to hide it in this post.

[ale2010]

What you need to do is stop contacting her! Basically it looks like she already moved on from you because she's sleeping with different guys like a bi*** you deserve someone new and not someone like her! If she wants to have a life like she's enjoying well let her be ! Start a new life by deleting her number deleting her from all social media and heal day by day ! And also stop stalking her because it's gonna make you go more crazy !!