I slept with my friend while drunk. Advice?

[222x111]

I am a 20 y/o woman, I slept with my 23 y/o male friend. I have several mixed emotions on the situation and would really like some advice.

 

Basically, he is my co-worker and friend.

 

I have always told him and all of our other friends (who are also our co-workers) that I would never want to sleep with/date/be romantically involved with any of my co-workers because it is unprofessional and complicates/compromises my job.

 

Two nights ago him and I and a few of our other friends were drinking together, but the rum was crappy so we all stopped drinking (only me and another girl ended up getting drunk).

 

I'm a huge lightweight so I was pretty drunk, enough to stumble, slur my words, and be a bit too happy. Also my mouth was numb, the room was spinning and my limbs felt heavy.

 

We decided to all huddle up and watch a movie instead since it was late and nobody wanted to drink.

 

Anyway, he ended up eventually leaning in very close to me as we talked and I have no idea what came over me (or I do, I was lonely & drunk), and so I kissed him.

 

It was me that initiated it.

 

We then made out for a while (our other friends had left the room and gone back to the living area), and I initiated the sex as well.

 

The next morning, I couldn't help but be pissed off at him (even though I strongly feel he may have done nothing wrong).

 

I don't know if I have the right to be mad here.

 

I feel like he should have stopped me (since I have always stressed how much I never want to be involved with a co-worker, and I was drunk while he was completely sober).

 

I don't know if that's just me not wanting to take responsibility for what I did.

 

I would appreciate some advice. Do I have the right to be mad at him?

[mustlovedogs]

I don't particularly think you have a right to be mad at him.

 

Imagine your mom baked you a cake. She told you you couldn't have the cake, but she baked it for you, sliced it up for you, and brought the plate to you along with a fork and a napkin. You see her offering this cake and so you eat it despite her prior objections. How confused would you be if she was then mad at you?

 

Your actions don't match your words, and actions are stronger than words.

[Scoe141]

Should you be mad at him?

 

That's up to you and your conscience. Despite being under the influence and having your judgement severely impaired, he probably thought he had the green light. Now, the onus is on him since he should have known how intoxicated you were. (Unless he was drunk too.)

 

Did he do anything wrong?

 

Let's break down what transpired. You were two drunk twenty-year olds, who hooked up. Does it make it right? Well that's up to you how you want to handle it. If he was the sober one, and knew you were intoxicated, then it probably shouldn't have happened. However, if you were both inebriated, then unfortunately there isn't much you can do other than learn a lesson here and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

I would be straight up with him and tell him how you feel. You don't want any awkwardness, especially at work.

[melancholy123]

I dont think you have a reason to be mad at him, you offered yourself and he accepted your offer. Your biggest problem is getting so drunk that you ended up in this situation. You should be mad at yourself for getting hammered. From here on in, control your drinking.

[Zaphod]

I was drunk while he was completely sober).

 

Hmmm..... hold up a minute.

 

Reality is what happened is you got drunk and flung yourself at him. In the "old days" we would have said to you "Tough. Learn how to handle your drink" seeing as you initiated. However, in more modern times, the view has become dimmer, and it falls to the sober person to kind of get a grip on things.

 

The trouble is that you were drunk, he was sober, yet you flung yourself at him. It's a grey area. But I think that nowadays the thinking is he maybe should have stopped it.

 

Do you fancy him then?

 

Also, have you changed this post or something? I remember replying to a thread like this recently where it was established that you were both drunk. Or are there currently two similar threads?

[Sarah Whittle]

I can understand being upset with him for not stopping the situation. But you willingly (I'm assuming) chose to become inebriated, allowed yourself to be in a situation where you were alone with him, initiated a make out session and sex. You said you all had been drinking. He may not have been 'drunk' but had he been drinking enough for his decision making skills to also be impaired?

 

I think the 'blame' falls to both of you, but I am a strong proponent for personal responsibility. If you don't want to be taken advantage while intoxicated, don't become intoxicated. I think this applies to all sexes.

[RainyCoast]

nope, i don't think so. you were uninhibited, not out of your mind.

 

you initiated, then you initiated again...what was it that was supposed to make him think he shoud have interpreted an advance as a "no"? again, it's not the drink, seeing as you were uninhibited and not incapacitated. to him it seemed like a case of adventurous, devil may care, reckless behavior, encouraged by the drinking...not that people don't hook up that way, drunk or not.

 

it apparently didn't seem like you were acting on something you really don't want, or that you were unable to object.

[Batya33]

You chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. It's ok to be upset with yourself for those choices but instead of dwelling on beating yourself up I'd simply use it as a learning experience (and I'd suggested getting tested for STDs and pregnancy). I'm sorry it was disappointing.

[Chloee1988]

As previous posters have said, it was ultimately your responsibility to not drink or at the very least know your drinking limits. That being said, he could have probably prevented it as he was the sober one and you did make it clear on multiple occasions that you would not get romantic/sexual with co workers. Had he been the gentleman, he would've put a stop to it, but considering we are all sexual beings and you flung yourself at him, it's difficult to assign blame, although I believe you were both reckless. The best thing would be to have an open and honest conversation with him and explain that it was a one-time thing only, that you were not wasted, and you have moved on and would like to keep it professional. No use regretting, it already happened. Learn from your mistakes and transform them into lessons

[Batya33]

I don't know that the onus belongs on the guy to be a "gentleman" in that situation -unless she was supposed to act like a "lady". He's not her parent and she's not a child. If she goes down that path of resenting him for not letting her get drunk and throw herself at him she'll learn nothing because it will be too tempting not to take full responsibility.

[Chloee1988]

You may feel that way, but I hold a different opinion. If we all shared the same opinion, surely this thread would not need to be created in the first place!

[itsallgrand]

Who do you believe is responsible for taking care of you ? Is it you? Friends? Guys?

 

I think you know already that it is up to you to be responsible for your choices, or you wouldn't have so clearly asked.

 

Are you angry at yourself for doing something you said you wouldn't do?

 

Imagine the chaos if you did rely on men to regulate your own behaviours. Do you really want to go there?

[Batya33]

You may feel that way, but I hold a different opinion. If we all shared the same opinion, surely this thread would not need to be created in the first place!

 

Sure! I just hate to see men blamed for not abstaining because it's the gentlemanly thing to do especially when the woman in question chose to get drunk and pursue sex - just find it ironic to talk about "gentleman" if you're not going to define "lady". There are men who rape, there are men who rape drunk women of course. I would hate to see women treated like wilting flowers who have to be protected however in situations like this or letting women deflect anger at themselves for poor choices onto the man because of his gender. I think it's better to focus here on the lesson but more than that the practicalities -she's 20 and needs to get tested for STDs and pregnancy -especially things like HPV and chlamydia which often have no symptoms but can affect fertility for example.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened but it just sounds like a mistake you regret. Just move on and forget it happened. It sounds like you are mad at yourself for getting drunk and coming on to him. It's your responsibility to decide how much to drink, where you are, how to get home and whether or not to initiate sex..

 

Don't beat yourself up, just act naturally at the office as usual.

I am a 20 y/o woman, I slept with my 23 y/o male friend. Two nights ago him and I and a few of our other friends were drinking together and so I kissed him. It was me that initiated it. Do I have the right to be mad at him?

[Longview01]

So you got drunk and threw yourself at someone...and he is in the wrong because?

[catfeeder]

I would take the practical approach and look at what each of my options would buy me going forward. I can act on my knee-jerk reflexes and villainize the guy, but what would this buy me in terms of my work life going forward? How would I bring such anger and blame into the workplace without harming myself there?

 

Or, I can decide that I'm responsible for my own actions and, despite my better judgment while sober, I've positioned myself to continue conducting business with the guy I slept with and my shared coworkers. So the question becomes, how best can I handle this when I return to work? I can either draw attention to the mistake by being dramatic about it and discussing it, or I can decide that there are no judges and juries in my sex life, and most people probably won't care or even remember the indiscretion if I keep my mouth shut and behave in a kind yet professional way to all involved going forward. Another drama between others is likely to replace this event soon enough if I stay under the radar and stop drinking with these people.

 

So: sink myself in drama, or move myself forward with corrected behavior and a lesson learned?

 

That choice would be a no brainer for me, but to each his or her own.

 

Choose wisely, and head high.